Tainted Love
by Mrs. McDreamy MD
Summary: Post season 3 fic. Meredith leaves Seattle after Burke leaves Cristina. Very angsty at the beginning. MerDer.
1. Chapter 1

Meredith is staring at the ceiling, her mind running over the events of the past few hours over and over again in her head. She looks over at the body lying next to her in the bed and she sighs. He broke her. He broke _her_. She is the one who is the strongest and now she is lying there sleeping fitfully after crying for a few hours.

_ I can't. I can't do this anymore. He is miserable. He asked me to put him out of his misery. I can't hurt him. I can't risk being hurt. Oh God. I can't do this._

Meredith starts to feel slightly suffocated. She feels her lungs being compressed by the weight of the love that fills her heart and she can't, she can't take it. She can't hurt him. She doesn't want him to hurt anymore. There is no reason for them both to suffer. She is suffocating, much like Cristina felt like she was earlier when Meredith had to cut off her wedding dress, only Meredith doesn't have anyone to wield the pair of scissors.

_It's over. So over. _

She really said those words. She really said them and she wasn't sure what she meant at the time, but now, now she understands. Burke and Cristina, they were her hope. They were her hope for the happily ever after and now, now she knows that Derek is miserable and it is because of her. She has made him miserable. It pains her so much that she has made him miserable.

The water. The water was suppose to cleanse her and make her better. She was a new person. A new person who was attempting to be not so dark and twisty, but now...now she feels more twisted than ever and everything around her seems to be dark. She finally understands why Mick Jagger felt the need to paint everything black. That is why the sunrise is so painful for her to watch. The colors that are bright, warming, and welcoming should offer her some sort of comfort, but instead they make her feel sick. It is one of the reason why she loves Seattle, overcast skies most of the time.

She feels the hot tears begin to make their way down her cheeks. She slowly and reluctantly rolls out of the bed. She stands at the window and watches the sunlight slowly begin to make its way across the horizone. She sees the various orange, yellow, and red shades of the sunrise begin to shatter the dark blues of the night. She can't do this. She can't do this anymore. She turns to the sleeping form on the bed.

Meredith (whispering): I'm so sorry.

Without looking back, Meredith grabs her purse off of the kitchen table and walks out of the apartment of her person, her broken person. Her broken person that she can't help put back together. She can't help put her back together because she is so broken. She is so broken and she is starting to forget how to function, how to breathe, how to live. She is so broken that she doesn't even realize that she is about to leave the one person who can fix her, who wants to fix her, who needs to fix her.

Meredith walks down to her car, noticing a slip of paper placed under her windshield wiper. She pulls it out and opens it, already knowing who it is from.

_ Mer,_

_We need to talk. Please._

_Love, Forever and Always,_

_-Derek _

Meredith suddenly finds her sight obstructed by the tears that have begun to build in her eyes. She can't. She can't hurt him anymore. He wants out of his misery. She doesn't want him to be miserable. She can't.

Poison. That is what she is. She is poison. She can't. She needs him to be happy. She loves him and he can't be miserable, not because of her. She gets in her car and drives to her house, which she knows is empty. Everyone is at work. She should be at work, but she can't. She looks at her cellphone--10 MISSED CALLS. She doesn't care. She can't. She pulls out a suitcase and begins packing. Not thinking about what she is packing, but just throwing clothes into the bag. She doesn't care. She can't care. She places the suitcase by the door before sitting down at her desk with a pen and two sheets of paper. She writes her letters, leaving one on the kitchen table and dropping the other off at the trailer. She can't face them. She can't say goodbye. She can't.

By the time she reaches the airport she has missed another five calls. The phone begins to vibrate in her hand as she looks down--DEREK. She can't. She just can't. She turns off her phone as she walks into the airport to board her flight. Several people cast glances at her as she walks through the terminal, still wearing her bridesmaid dress. She doesn't pay attention. She doesn't care. She can't think about it. She can't worry about the looks. She can't.

Once she is seated on the plane she pulls out her laptop. She needs to send an email to the Chief, letting him know.

_Dr. Webber,_

_I'm sorry. I just can't do it anymore. It is all too much. I am already on the plane, so there is no way of stopping me. I just can't. I'm sorry. I understand if you don't approve my request for a transfer and I am sorry for any inconvenience my absence may cause. Thank you, for everything. Thank you for loving my mother, everyone should find that once in their life and I am just grateful that she found it in you. I will contact you when I arrive at my destination. Once again, thank you. I know I said you weren't my father, but you were the closest thing to one that I have ever had._

_-Meredith _

Meredith closes her laptop and leans back in the seat as the airplane takes off. She places the earbuds of her ipod in her ears as the captain announces their destination. She sighs, already feeling a loneliness setting in.

(Scene switches to SGH)

The other interns look around the locker room, noting the absence of both Meredith and Cristina. They expected Cristina to be absent, she had the week off, but Meredith. Izzie tries to call her phone, but no one answers. She looks up as Bailey enters.

Bailey: Okay, suck ups, we are two down with Cristina off and George being gone and you are now officially residents...wait...where the hell is Grey?!

Izzie looks around nervously.

Izzie: Umm...

Bailey: Spit it out, Stevens.

Izzie: I don't know. She isn't answering her phone. I don't know where she is.

Bailey: Oh, there will be hell to pay. Stevens, Shepherd needs an interns. Karev, go be with Sloan. Now go!

Bailey stands in the locker room for a moment, feeling somewhat inadequate after being passed over for Chief Resident. When she finally exits the locker room, she is met by a very tired, worn down Dr. Shepherd.

Derek: Bailey, I was wondering if you have seen Dr. Grey?

Bailey raises an eyebrow at Derek.

Bailey: No, I haven't. She hasn't shown up this morning, however, if you do see her you better let her know that she is in serious trouble.

Derek suddenly begins to feel frantic. It is not like Meredith to not show up. He opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by the booming voice of the Chief.

Chief: Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Bailey, I need to see you both in my office this instant.

Derek looks questioningly at Bailey.

Bailey: Don't look at me like that. I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Derek just shrugs and follows Bailey up to the Chief's office. They both take seats across the Chief's desk.

Chief: I want to know what the hell this is about.

As he is speaking the Chief pushes two copies of the email across the desk. Derek and Bailey both pick up a copy and begin to read. Derek instantly pales. He feels his world stop as his breath hitches in his throat. He can't believe that she is gone. He doesn't understand. Why would she do this? Why would she just leave everyone? Why would she just leave him?

Bailey: Damn fools.

Derek looks at Bailey. She has a deep scowl on her face as she turns to face Derek. Her face surprisingly softens a bit as she looks at the man who is crumbling before her eyes. She sighs and stands up.

Bailey: I'll leave you two alone.

The Chief just nods and Bailey exits. Derek immediately places his head in his hands.

Chief: So, I take it you had no idea...

Derek looks up at the Chief and the Chief is surprised to see tears running down Derek's cheeks. When Derek speaks, his voice is cracked, much like his heart.

Derek: No..I...no...no idea...I just...oh God...I...

The Chief stands up and walks around his desk. He places a hand on Derek's shoulder, attempting to comfort him. He exhales loudly as he feels the shoulders beneath his grip begin to shake violently as his Head of Neurosurgery feels his heart being shattered into a million pieces.

Chief: Take the rest of the day and tomorrow if you need.

Derek just nods and numbly stands up. He runs a hand through his hair.

Derek: Will you..

Chief: I will let you know the instant I hear from her again.

Derek nods. He places his hand on the doorknob but turns to the Chief before leaving.

Derek: Are you going to approve her transfer?

The Chief sits down and runs his hand over his face.

Chief: If I don't it will ruin her career.

Derek just nods and exits the office. He ignores the glances from everyone as he walks down the stairs. He ignores Izzie as she walks up to him, stating that she is his intern for the day. He doesn't even both to change or to go grab his things from his office. He just walks out of the hospital. The hospital that no longer holds the love of his life. The hospital that at this moment, at this moment seems to be suffocating him as the walls close in around him. He jumps in his car and drives to Meredith's house.

He walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. Nothing. He stands there for at least thirty minutes, ringing the doorbell every two minutes at least. Nothing. He feels the panic begin to set in. She can't be gone. She can't. She can't leave him. He can't be without her. He can't breathe without her. He needs her. He hangs his head in dejection as he walks back to his car. He drives to his trailer and walks in. He throws his keys on the table when something catches his attention. It is a single sheet of paper and even at this distance he immediately recognizes the handwriting. He feels his stomach twist into a knot as he slowly picks up the sheet of paper and begins to read.

_ Derek,_

_By now you have probably figured out that I am gone. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I love you. I do. And that is why I am leaving. I don't want you to be miserable. I can't do that to you. I love you too much. I'm sorry for making you miserable. All that I have ever wanted was to make you happy. I need to do this. I need to go away. I am like poison and I infect all of the happy people around me. I can't do it anymore. Burke and Cristina, they gave me hope for myself. Now, I really have none. You made me believe, Derek. You made me believe that I could have the fairytale and what did I do in return? I made you miserable. I'm sorry. I was watching the sunrise this morning and suddenly I understood why Mick Jagger wanted to paint all of the colorful items around him black. It's not something I want to do, but it happens...you were...you are my penguin...and now I probably sound like a rambling idiot. I'm not good at farewells. I'm not sure if I will come back or when. I just want you to be happy, Derek. You deserve to be happy, because you are the first person to ever give me my happiness. I love you and just so you know, you are it for me too. I am only leaving because I love you so much. I love you so much that I can't make you miserable anymore. I will stop rambling now. I am missing you already._

_Love, Forever and Always,_

_-Meredith_

Derek angrily wipes away the tears that are now falling from his eyes. It is his fault. It is his fault that she is gone. She loves him and she is gone and it is all his fault. He can't. He can't breathe without her. He just can't.

**So...I know that I have another story on here...but this is my more recent story...there isn't as much of this one written as Alone. In fact, Alone will be completely finished being written in a few short weeks. This is my favorite fic that I'm writing right now. I have two others that are not yet posted here...and if enough people as I will post them here as well. I love comments and the updates will probably be every other day or so until I get everything posted that I have already written. Enjoy and let me know what you all think.**


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith sighs as she steps out of the airport terminal. Four months. It had been four months today since she left Seattle. She looks around at her surroundings as a few drops of rain travel down her face. The day is gloomy, characterstic of Seattle, characteristic of herself. She runs her hand through her long, dirty blonde hair.

Meredith (mumbling under her breath): Home sweet home.

Although she doesn't want to admit it, Meredith is terrified. She left. She left and now everyone probably hates her. Four months. So much has happened in the last four months. Well, not too much, but just one thing. One big thing. One big thing that didn't really happen in the past four months, more like four and a half months ago, but still. It is something that is different. Something that everyone will see and notice. Something that will give everyone else just one more reason to hate her.

Oh God. What if he hates her? What if he doesn't want anything to do with her? She can take that, but she can't do this alone. She needs him. She will never tell him that, but she does. She needs him so much. She is still scary and damaged and she knows that she still can't be with him, but she still loves him. She loves him so much. It is because she loves him so much that she is back. She knows that he would want to be a part of this, but how is she going to tell him? She is hoping that he won't notice. That _they_ won't notice.

She sighs as she gets into the cab.

Cab Driver: Where to miss?

Meredith: Seattle Grace Hospital, please.

She has to talk to the Chief. She has to let him know that she is back. She just hopes that she is able to avoid everyone else for one more day. One more day. It is always going to be one more day. She knows that. She is an avoider. It is what she does best, avoid her problems. Running away. It is what she has been taught all her laugh. Her father ran away from her mother, her mother ran away from her lover. It is what they do best, turn their backs on the ones they love when they don't know how to deal with their problems.

Meredith feels her breath hitch in her throat as the driver pulls in front of Seattle Grace. She inhales deeply before stepping out of the cab, grabbing her suitcase and purse on the way. She pays the driver and he leaves her. He leaves her standing up in front of the hospital, looking up at the large lettering that graces its front. The best and worst year of her life was spent inside those four walls. The closest thing she has ever had to a family is within those four walls. She really hopes they don't hate her. Especially _him_. But she knows that she can't be with him yet. She is still poison. She can't make him miserable. She doesn't want him to be miserable. She wants him to be happy.

Meredith places her hand on the small bump that is her stomach. She hopes that no one notices. She hopes that she is able to get settled back in before everyone finds out, before _he_ finds out. She sighs and leans her head down closer to her stomach.

Meredith: Okay, baby, ready or not, here we go.

Meredith inhales deeply one more time before grabbing onto the handle of her luggage and entering the hospital that she once considered her home and which she hopes to call home once again.

**Wow...I got a lot of great reviews...Thank you guys so much...I love reviews...This chapter is a little short, but the next chapter is rather long. I will post it sometime tomorrow after my final.**


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith pulls her baggage behind her as the sliding door to Seattle Grace open before her. Her baggage. She almost laughs at the thought. She definitely has more baggage than will fit into that suitcase. Baggage was her reason for leaving Seattle and a carry on was her reason for returning at this moment. She isn't returning for Derek. She still loves him, more than anything else she loves him, but she isn't ready to be with him, to give him all of her that he deserves. He deserves all of her and she knows that. She wants to give him all of her, but she is afraid. She is afraid of giving him all of her and then finding herself sinking once again. Sinking into the bottom of the tequila bottle, sinking into the bottom of the bath tub, sinking into the bottom of the bay.

Just the thought of that day sends shivers down her spine. She remembers the freefall backwards, having no idea when she would land, just wishing she would land. Not knowing sucked even more than when she did land and she found herself being submerged in the icy Seattle waters. The shock, the suffocation, the claustrophobia, the fear, the escape, the easy way out, all of these thought simultaneously entered her brain. She remembers. She finally remembers not fighting. Giving up on the vicious world that had delt and continues to deal her so many horrible blows.

_Serioulsy. How many people can say that their mother died while they were dead, only to be brought back later? I doubt very many._

Karma takes on a whole new meaning in reference to Meredith Grey. Meredith Grey never got the good that came with the bad, only the bad. Okay, maybe Derek Shepherd was the good. But seriously, finding out he had a wife, begging him to choose her over said wife, only to have to later watch them work together, in the same hospital with the wife and ex-boyfriend as her boss, she would definitely say that there was more bad than good. Although Derek was really good, and at very many things.

She loved to watch him work. Loves. She loves to watch him work. Past tense only because she hadn't actually seen him or seen him work in the last four months. The last four months went by rather quickly. Too quickly if you ask her.

All of these thought run through Meredith's hand in the matter of fifteen seconds. Fifteen seconds as she stands in front of the now open sliding glass doors, afraid to take a step forward but knowing that she can't take a step back. Knowing that this is something that she has to do and hating the fact that she has to do it.

She inhales deeply as she finally takes the metaphorical plunge in the past. The past that she wants to make her future, the past that she clings to yet she wants to forget, the past. The past that she fled from only to be forced back by that bitch named Karma. Izzie would get a kick out of this. She always talked about karma, don't know if she still does.

_Oh God, I hope they don't hate me. Please, don't let them hate me. I need them. I need them so much. I need my family and they are my only family now. They are actually probably the only family that I have ever known. Please, oh please, don't let them hate me._

Meredith stops and thinks for a moment. She can't believe she is actually praying. She hasn't believed in God or Allah, or anything that resembles a big guy that tends to look an awful lot like Zeus sitting up in the sky and watching people all day. She actually thinks its kind of creepy. If God just watches you all day, does that make him a stalker, or a pervert? She never got the religion thing. Science. Science is fact, religion is myth. Fact conquers myth. Fact laughs in myths face. Hahahaha myth. Taunting. Science is mean. Life if mean.

_Great. Now I'm rambling in my own head. Way to go, Mer._

Meredith realizes that she has stopped moving and has been gazing at the same patterned carpet for the past few minutes. She really hopes they don't call psych. Psych guy already hates her for the time they stole the "pregnant" guy from him. Pregnant guy. She sympathized and empathized with him. He was her first patient after she was dumped for the fantabulous wife of Derek. Her friend were there for her. They helped her, but this time, this time they couldn't help her. Hell, she hasn't even been able to help herself. In four months she still has not been able to help herself. How pathetic is that? On her scale, she would say pretty damn pathetic.

She finally forces herself to stop staring at the carpet and raises her head to take in her surroundings. Not much has changed, decoration wise. The people are mostly the same. She can't help but smile to herself as she sees Bailey tearing into some brunette girl who looks scared out of her mind.

_Must be one of the new interns._

Meredith continues to look around and gasps when her eyes lock with a brown pair of eyes that are filled with anger and betrayal. As soon as they lock eyes, Cristina turns and walks briskly away. Clearly angry and hurt.

_Shit. Just great. Fan freaking tastic._

Just when she thought it couldn't get any worse...

Voice: Well, if it isn't my favorite dirty mistress.

Meredith slowly turns on her heels, coming face to face with none other than Mark Sloan, mistress, manwhore, ass.

Meredith: Hello, Mark.

Mark walks up and wraps his arms around her, attempting to hug her, but Meredith's arms hang limp at her sides. A shocked look crosses Mark's face. He looks at her.

Mark: Oh my, you're pregnant!

Mark says this louder than intended and Meredith can't help but wince.

Meredith: I have to go.

Meredith turns around to go to the Chief's office when she meets a pair of bright blue eyes in the distance. She sees his expression and knows that he heard Mark. She sees the hurt and the pain and the shock and she can't take it anymore. She reaches for her luggage.

Mark: Let me, you probably shouldn't be carrying anything this heavy.

Meredith spins around, fire in her eyes.

Meredith: I think you have done enough. I am fine. Just fan. Fanfreakingtastic.

Meredith jerks the handle out of Mark's hand and turns back around, intending on rushing to the Chief's office before the body attached to those blue eyes is able to reach her. She walks quickly and briskly, opting for the stairs instead of the elevator, she is forced to lift her heavy piece of luggage. She struggles under the weight. She sees Derek getting closer and closer and closer. She hears his steps coming closer, closer, closer. She can't do this. She can't face him today. She can't tell him today. She can't. She can't. She can't.

She gives up on the luggage and drops it. She turns and begins running up the stairs. She hears him call out her name, a pleading, desperate tone in his voice, but she chooses to block it out, to ignore it, to avoid it, to run away from it. She can't. She can't. She can't. She is almost to the top. She is almost there. Five, four, three, two more steps to go. Finally, she reaches the landing. Finally, she has made it to the door of the Chief's office. Finally, she has escaped. Finally.

She knocks on the Chief's door quickly. Hoping to escape into the safe haven of his office before [ihe[/i reaches her.

Chief: Come in.

Meredith opens the door as Derek reaches the top of the stairs, breathless and looking desperate. Desperate for her. Anything from her, a word, a look, a touch. Anything. But he get nothing. Meredith steps into the office and quickly closes the door behind her. She leans back against the closed door, attempting to catch her breath. She feels him on the other side. He doesn't knock, he doesn't turn the knob, but she still feels him. She feels the heat from his body radiating through the door, something she has missed, something that she longs for. She leans further into the door, wishing that she could melt into the wood and absorb more of his body heat, wanting to be closer to him but afraid of facing him. Afraid of the rejection, afraid of the hurt, afraid of the pain, afraid of the vulnerability, afraid of him giving back to her something that he claimed for himself over a year ago. Her heart.

The Chief's voice interrupts her thoughts.

Chief: Are you okay, Meredith?

Meredith quickly snaps her head up at the sound of the Chief's voice, before letting it fall again, too heavy with the weight of her burdens/

Meredith (in a whisper): No. No, I'm not.

Although she doesn't intend for the Chief to hear her, he does and a concerned look crosses his visage.

Chief: Why don't you take a seat and we will talk about your return?

Meredith just nods silently and steps forward. She stops dead in her tracks. She is trapped. She is trapped here. Derek knows where she is and he will be waiting. He will be waiting for her when she comes out. She is cornered. She looks to the left out of the Chief's window and sees Derek leaning against the railing, watching her intently. She quickly averts her gaze away from him and back to the Chief. She nervously tucks a strand of hair behind her ear as she takes a seat, immediately starting to fidget with her watch.

Meredith: Ummm...so...

The Chief clears his throat.

Chief: Okay, I have your contract here. You have been reaccepted into the program as a resident in neurosurgery. I just need you to sign and date the highlighted areas.

Meredith nods and picks up the pen. She knows that he is watching her. She can feel his eyes delving into her soul. They didn't even need eye contact for that. She looks up at the Chief. She needs to tell him before she signs. He needs to know. He deserves to know before he employs her.

Meredith: Chief, there is something you should know before I sign...

The Chief leans back in his chair and looks at Meredith.

Chief: Well, go on.

Meredith: I'm pregnant.

The Chief looks surprised as he leans forward and nods.

Chief: How far along?

Meredith: Almost 20 weeks.

Chief: Derek's?

Meredith just nods.

Chief: Does he know?

The Chief glances out the window and sees Derek standing there, along with Meredith's old friends, and Mark Sloan. He saw Derek after Meredith left. He knows how destroyed he was, how he blamed himself, how he missed her, how he lost himself when he lost her.

Meredith: Ummm...maybe?

Chief: What do you mean maybe?

Meredith: Well, Mark sort of blurted it out. I neither confirmed nor denied.

The Chief nods.

Chief: Okay, then. I don't see the problem. You will be working with quite a bit, so I suggest you work this out. I will be watching you both to make sure there is no favoring going on. Now sign the contract.

Meredith quickly signs her name and looks back up at the Chief.

Chief: Now, as a man who has always seen you as the daughter he never had. I want to congratulate you. I know it will be difficult, but I know you can do it. I will be here for you. I will always be here for you. So, if you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask. I also want to let you know that there are several people outside who are very angry with you. You hurt them, us, all when you left and it won't be easy to fix. Most of them were pissed, Derek, Derek broke.

Meredith interrupts him.

Meredith: Why are you telling me this?

Chief: Because you need to know, that although they are all angry and hurt, they feel that way because every single one of them care about you. You are a member of their family. You and Derek are having a child together, and once he finds that out for sure he will be walking on cloud nine. He loves you, Meredith. I have never seen love like that.

Meredith: I didn't come back here to get back with Derek. I came back here because my child, our child, deserves to have a father and I know that Derek will be a good father. I left because I was broken. I am broken and I am poison. I am poison and Derek...Derek was miserable and I couldn't stand him being miserable...I just...

Meredith now has tears running down her cheeks. She feels her body begin to shake with sobs.

Meredith: I'm...I'm sorry...hormones...whatever...I...I need to...go...I...can't...I can't...face them...not...today...

The Chief nods.

Chief: I will walk you out.

Meredith: Thank...thank you.

The Chief stands up and Meredith follows suit. He places a supportive hand on her shoulder, but she feels the weight added to that of her other burdens. The Chief opens the door and Derek is immediately there.

Derek: Mer...Meredith??

There is a pleading and desperate tone in his voice and Meredith can't. She can't meet his eyes. She can't face the result of her actions. She can't stand to see the pain that she knows resides there.

Derek: Please, Meredith. Talk to me. Please.

Derek is now begging, something that he rarely does. Meredith leans her face into Richard's chest and allows his lab coat to absorb her tears.

Chief: Okay, that's enough. She needs to go get some rest before she starts working here tomorrow.

Izzie: So, you're back? Just like that you come back?

Izzie's voice is icy and seething with anger. Meredith doesn't answer. The Chief begins to walk her towards the elevator. He realizes something.

Chief: Did you drive here?

Meredith shakes her head.

Meredith: Cab.

The words comes out as a whisper that only he can understand. Derek steps forward.

Derek: You dropped your luggage in your attempt to get away from me, yet again.

This time there is a tint of anger in Derek's voice. Anger at her abandonment, anger at her refusal to speak to him, to face him, anger at her ability to make him completely vulnerable. He pushes the handle towards her hand, hoping to steal a touch as the handle crosses from his grip to hers. Instead, disappointment follows as Richard reaches out and grabs the handle.

Chief: Thanks, Derek. Now, you all get back to work. There are lives to save.

Derek: But..

Chief: Not now, Derek. Go wait in my office. I will be there shortly.

Derek stands there resolute. He is not letting her walk away. Not again. Not again. Not again. he can't. He can't lose her again. He has been thinking about the possibility of her being pregnant. Actually, there was no denying it. Although she tried to hide it, her tiny frame was obviously different. Her breasts were larger and there was a bump. A bump that she tried to conceal but he could still tell. He knows her so well that he notices every minute difference. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. He is going to be a father. He is going to be a dad. He is going to have a family of his own.

But why won't she talk to him? She came back. She is pregnant and she came back, but she won't talk to him. Why? Why? Why? He wants to be happy about his impending fatherhood, he wants to but he can't. He can't be happy until she tells him herself. He can't be happy until he knows that it is real and it won't be real until she tells him herself. He notices the Chief starting to walk away with the love of his life. He reaches out and grabs her arm. He hears her gasp in shock, but still she doesn't turn. The Chief looks up at Derek.

Derek: Promise me that you won't run away again. Promise me that you will be here tomorrow. Promise me. I need you to promise me.

Meredith finds herself frozen. His strong hand gripping her tiny, frail arm. She touch, although somewhat rough, sends chills through her body as she thinks about the last time they touched, when he told her that she was the love of his life. When he told her that she was the love of his life and asked, no begged, her to put him out of his misery. A conversation which she replayed and relived over and over again as she tried to discover why her life was such hell.

His grip tightens as the silence becomes heavy and stifling. She still can't look him in the eyes. She can't. Her gaze is fixed on the floor, her thoughts on the hand that is touching her. Touching her when she is imagining it caressing her. Caressing her in all of the places that he knows best. The areas that he knows gives her the greatest please.

Derek shifts his body so that she now sees his shoes. He is willing her to look at him, to promise him, but she can't. She can't. She can't. His grip remains fixed on her arm, determined for an answer.

Derek: Promise me.

Derek's voice is pained and comes out almost as a mangled cry, or maybe that is just the way it sounds when it reaches Meredith's ears. Finally, she finds her voice.

Meredith (barely above a whisper and in a broken voice): I promise.

It is the first time that Derek has heard her voice in four months, with the exception of listening to her voicemail message. Yes, he would call knowing he would get her voicemail just to listen to her voice. He would call every morning and every night. It was the only way he could get through the day, the only way that he could even think about closing his eyes. He needed to wake up to her every morning and go to sleep to her every night. Her broken voice reaches his ears as angelic music, something beautiful, heavenly, and rare. He finally releases his grip on her arm and watches her be lead away by Richard, hoping and praying that she wouldn't break her promise.

Tonight. He would go see her tonight.

**The response has been great and I would like to thank you all for your reviews.**


	4. Chapter 4

Meredith keeps her head down and hides under the protection of the Chief's heavy arm. Avoiding. Avoiding the looks from the nurses, avoiding the looks from her former friends, avoiding their eyes watching her, avoiding _his_ eyes watching her.

When they finally walk out the front doors of Seattle Grace, Meredith releases a breath that she didn't even realize she was holding. She just saw her past. She just saw her past and it terrified her of the future. Everyone hates her. She hurt them. She hurt them so much. Poison. Poison. Poison. That is why she left. She is poison. Even in her absence she is poison, something that sneaks into your system and begins attacking. Poison. Deathly, life-sucking, painful, poison. Meredith Grey. Poison. Yup. She doesn't blame them for hating her. She hates herself. She hates herself so much. She hates. She hates. She hates herself.

She loves him. She loves him so much. She loves him so much and seeing the pain in his eyes, the hurt, it only makes her hate herself even more. Poison. She poisoned the only person who has ever truly loved her. Alone. She deserves to be alone. She deserves to be alone and to suffer. She doesn't deserve him. He deserves happiness. He deserves better. He deserves better than her. She is damaged and broken, dark and twisty, he deserves better. Self-loathing, self-depreciation, self-hatred all self-inflicted by Meredith Grey upon herself. Loathing, hating, inflicting pain upon herself.

She couldn't even look him in the eyes. Eyes that she once lost herself in, now she is afraid that they will be where she can find herself again...but she doesn't really want to find herself. She is too scared. Too scared of what she will discover in the process of finding herself. She can't take it being any worse than it already is. She needs no more reasons to hate herself, she already has enough. She already hates herself enough. No one needs to encourage her. She does it enough on her own.

Enough. Never enough. Never enough hate, never enough love, never enough time, never enough sleep, never enough sex. Never enough. Never good enough. She has never been good enough. At anything. She is a constant disappointment to herself and her others. Never good enough. Never. Enough.

She feels the tears making their way down her cheeks as the Chief's persistent voice finally breaks through her very loud thoughts.

Chief (in a concerned voice): Meredith, are you okay?

Meredith feels numb. She feels numb and empty and dead inside. She wishes she could feel something, anything. But instead she feels nothing. Only the self-hatred that she feels toward herself. Nothing else. Nothing good. All bad. All bad and all negative. Nothing positive. The only thing positive in the past five months were the six pregnancy tests she took. Figures.

Meredith (in a dull voice): I'm fine.

Chief: Well, do you need me to take you home?

Home. No. She has no home. Nowhere to go and seek comfort and warmth. Comfort and warmth which she doesn't deserve. She become homeless when she became Derek-less. She doesn't deserve a home and she sure as hell doesn't deserve Derek.

Meredith: No thanks. I will call a cab.

Chief: Are you sure?

Meredith: I'm sure. I will see you tomorrow.

The Chief squeezes Meredith's shoulders before releasing her. He smiles at her, worry etched in his features.

Chief: See you tomorrow and welcome back.

Meredith; Thank you.

The Chief turns around and walks back into the hospital. Meredith quickly calls the cab, hoping that they hurry before she can no longer avoid. Avoidance is bliss. Avoiding her former roommates, her former home, her former friends, her former family, her former lover, her former person. Avoiding. Running. Forgetting to breath. Forgetting to feel. Forgetting to live. Losing herself and relishing in the numbness that has taken over her body since she left her livelihood in Seattle. Since she left Derek in Seattle.

One minutes. Two minutes. Three minutes. She begins to tap her foot on the pavement, losing herself in the rhythm in an attempt to avoid her own thoughts. To avoid herself. She sees the yellow cab pull into the parking lot and begin to make its way towards her. She turns once more to look up at the intimidating building, only to see Alex Karev walking briskly towards her. She turns her attention back to the cab. Praying, hoping, begging for it to reach her before her former friend. Wishing for it to aid her in one more tactic of avoidance. She can't face him. Not today. Not any of them. Not today. She can't. She can't. She can't.

The cab pulls in front of her and she hastily enters, throwing her luggage in hastily before her. As she closes the door she sees Alex's mouth form words. Words that she either chooses to ignore or doesn't hear and she tells the cabbie her destination. She quickly looks away from his face, refusing to acknowledge the hurt and rejection that grace his features, knowing that she is the reason that they are there.

Too much. Too much. Not enough. No balance. No equilibrium. Only extremes. She desperately wants to find the middle ground. To be able to stand on her own two feet and not feel pulled one way of to fall another. She wants the dizziness and confusion to subside and she wants clarity in her life. She wants. She desires. She needs. She needs but she doesn't know how to achieve. Achieve. Achievement. Words that linger in her mind, but seem to have lost their meaning. She has forgotten what is feels like to achieve.

_If only my mother could see me now. _

She thinks bitterly as the cab pulls up to their destination. Meredith quickly pays the man and steps out with her bag. She looks up at the tall building as it looms before her, taunting her almost as if it knows of her failures.

Meredith walks briskly into the large, fancy hotel and gives her name. She can't go to her mother's house. She can't face her roommates, former roommates. She can't face Derek. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

She sighs as she steps onto the elevator. Elevators. Elevators hold way too many memories. Good. Bad. Ugly. The first time she really kissed Derek, when she wasn't drunk of course, was in an elevator. She still can't believe she tried to draw a line with him. At least they were good at crossing lines together. She remembers riding the elevator and feeling Derek's eyes boring into the back of her head, able to see her soul from any angle. She remembers the awkwardness when they begin to share their elevators with a certain fashion forward red-head. The looks of longing, the looks of desire, the eye sex, the almost sex, the non sex, the wanting sex.

For the first time, she looks around the elevator. She notices a family with a young child. No older than three standing in one corner. They look happy. They look complete. She instinctively places her hand on her stomach. That is what she wants for their children. To be happy, to feel complete. Can she offer that to them? Can she give that to them?

She sighs as the elevator door opens on her floor, releasing Meredith from the toxic fumes of happiness that seem to radiate from the happy, perfect family. Toxic fumes that are unable to penetrate the barrier that Meredith has built up around herself. Toxic. Poison. Toxic. Poison.

Meredith unlocks the door to her safe haven, her hide out suddenly feeling the relief of avoiding the world altogether. No more cabbies, no more happy family. Just her. Just her and her swollen abdomen. Avoiding. Avoiding the world. Avoiding her world. Avoiding her Derek.

But tomorrow, tomorrow she won't be able to avoid. She won't be able to run. She won't be able to and she can't.

Avoidance is bliss, until reality comes back to bite you in the ass.


	5. Chapter 5

He watched her. He watched her walk out with the Chief. He watched her walk away. He watched her leave. He watched her leave _him_. He watched her leave and he couldn't move. His feet remain planted firmly on the floor, his crosstrainers seeming to melt into the concrete floor to hold him firmly in place. He watched. He watched her walk away. Just when he thought he might get his heart back, she walks away.

She didn't even look at him. She barely even acknowledged him. She recoiled when he touched her. She didn't even look at him. She didn't look at him but he could still read her almost like a book. A book that require some interpretation and some analysis. Just like the old saying, you can't judge a book by its cover, you can't judge Meredith Grey by her appearance of fine or normalcy. He knows that. He knows how to read her. He might misinterpret every now and then, but still, he has his dictionary of Meredith and he knows how to read her.

He feels the heavy hand on his shoulder, but doesn't acknowledge. He only knows that it adds more weight to the burden that already weighs him down. The burden that isn't really a burden, not to him. It should feel like a burden, a chore, a Herculean task, but for him it isn't. For him it is the thing that make him alive. It is his oxygen, his motivation to get through the day, his pulse. It is also the things that causes him so much pain and sorry, so much regret. Regret. He has so many regrets from the past year and a half. So many. Regrets. Sorrow. Pain. Meredith. Love. His love for Meredith. His love for Meredith is so all-consuming, so infinite, so bottomless that is causes him both extremes of emotions. But he will tell you in a second that he would rather love Meredith than anyone else. He would rather love her than not love her. He would rather love her than not love. He needs to love [iher[/i and only her. He misses her. He wants her. He needs her.

_My fault. My fault. It is my fault. All my fault. She left because of me. Regret. Pain. Sorrow. Blame. Guilt. Love. He pushed. He pushed to hard. He just wanted her to know how he felt. He just wanted her to know. He just wanted her. He wants her. He needs her. He loves her. He misses her. She completes him. Yeah, cheesy. Whatever. Meredith likes cheesy. Liked. Likes_.

He walks over to the bridge and watches her. He sees her. He sees her waiting for the cab. He sees her place her hand on her stomach. His heart clenches tightly before falling down into his stomach. He runs his hand through his hair. My fault. It is my fault that she left. He needs her. He needs her so much. Oh God, does he need her. He can't. He can't. He can't live without her. The past four months he has been living in his own personal hell as one day slowly faded into the next. Living from one surgery to the next, one glass of scotch to the next, one sleepless night to the next. The truth. The truth is that he hasn't had a decent night of sleep since he last held her in his arms. She is his comfort. And it is his fault. It is his fault that she left.

_Damn it. Damn. It. Why did she have to leave? Why couldn't she just talk? Communicate? Wasn't that what she was trying to do? Why did she have to shut everyone out and try to deal with everything on her own? Why won't she let anyone help her? Why won't she let [bme[/b help her? I want to help her. I need to help her. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. I want her. I need her. I love her. I love her so much. Oh God, do I love her. I can't breathe. I just can't breathe if I don't love her. I don't want to breathe if I don't love her._

Derek feels pain. He feels so much pain. He feels so much pain that he wishes that he was actually in physicall pain. Physical pain that he can treat and diagnose. Physical pain that can heal. Physical pain that doesn't hurt so damn much as what he is feeling. Every square inch of his body hurts. He feels like his blood is boiling, his bones are breaking, his skin ripping at the seems, his organs are tearing, and his heart...his heart hurts the worst. His heart feels as if it is being torn to shreds slowly by claws, nails, dull, rusty nails. Ripping. Pulling. Tearing. Pain. Constant pain. Gashing wounds. Gashing, painful wounds that have no cure. No cure but Meredith. Gashing wounds that he doesn't want to cure. He doesn't want to cure them without Meredith. Gashing wounds that seem to have a semblance to Prometheus and his infamous liver, as they return to wholeness only to be obliterated once again in the tantalizing process that seems to have no end. No end. Forever. Eternity.

Eternity. That is what he is supposed to spend with Meredith. With Meredith in love and bliss, in happiness. Not in pain. Alone and in pain. In pain because he is alone. Without Meredith. Without Meredith he is alone. Completely. Totally. Alone. No one. No one but him. Alone. No Meredith. Alone. Lonely. Alone. Dead.

Dead. If he can't get her. If he can't love her. He might as well be dead. He wants to be dead if he can't be with her. He wants to be dead if he can't love her. Dead. Dead is peaceful. Dead is finally sleeping. Finally resting. Finally. End. Dead. Death.

Meredith was dead. Meredith was dead for a very long time. He saw Meredith dead and he has never been so scared in his life. Helpless. That is how he felt. How he feels. He felt her dead, cold skin as he pulled her out of the icy water. Dead. Cold. Meredith. [iHis[/i Meredith. [iHis[/i love. Meredith. Dead. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe for the time she was dead. He was breathing for her, but he wasn't breathing for himself. He couldn't. She wasn't breathing, so he couldn't breathe. He didn't want to breathe. He couldn't. Dead. Cold. Meredith.

She had given up. She knows how to swim and she had given up. She had consciously given up, even though she never admitted it. She had consciously given up and sank down in the bay. He jumped in after her. He couldn't, can't, live without her. He felt the cold water on his skin. He felt the icy water on his skin. He felt her icy skin. Her icy skin that felt like the dead icy water. Dead. Meredith. He can't. He can't. He can't lose her again. He won't. He won't. He won't lose her again. He will fight for her. He will fight for her like he did that day. He has to fight for her like he did that day. He has to. He has to fight for her not to save her life, but to save his own, because he can't. He can't live without her.

Anger. Suddenly anger surges through him. Why? Why does she have to make it so difficult? Why does she have to be so stubborn? Why does she have to hurt me so damn much? Walking away. Walking away and avoiding. Running away. Running. Turning her back. Avoiding. Why? Damn it. Why?

_Why can't she just let me in? Why can't she trust me? Why? Damn it. I have given her so much of myself, why can't she just give me something, anything? Damn it. She is so full of contradictions. She wants to communicate but then she shuts me out. She runs. She runs and doesn't even say goodbye. Damn it._

Derek feels confused, hurt, and angry. Angry. He is angry but he still loves her. He still loves her so damn much. He needs her too much not to love her. He is angry. He is angry because she left. He is angry because he knows that he is going to have to fight for her. He is so tired. He is so tired of missing her, of needing her, of wanting her. He is so tired of doing these things and not having her. He is so tired because he can't rest, he can't sleep peacefully, he can't function without her. He is so tired of not being able to function. He is so tired of being a zombie. He is so tired. Tired. Exhausted. Zombie. He is the living dead. He is living in the biological sense, but his spirit, his soul his dead until Meredith can return it to him. She is his soul, his livelihood, his everything. He needs her. He needs her so much. She is his everything.

**A/N: So...some of these chapters are short...but I'm posting them here in the chunks that they were originally written...I will try to post the next chapter tomorrow since this one is a little short..I really appreciate all the comments...the response has been great and that really motivates me...so thank you.**


	6. Chapter 6

Tired. Hurting. Pain. Suffering. Sorrow. Regret. Regret. He feels regret as his hand unconsciously enters the pocket of his lab coat, stroking the tattered edges of a folded piece of paper. A folded piece of paper that has been unfolded and refolded too many times to count. A folded piece of paper that holds the last words Meredith imparted to him before she left. Words that he continuously recounts in his head. Words that he has memorized, but still feels the need to read. The words that should give him some comfort, knowing that she does love him, but instead impart so much pain. Stab. Stab. Stab.

_She wanted me to tell you, that if love were enough...that if love were enough then she would still be here._

That night. The night that he chose Addison. The night that he broke that one thing that has ever been able to fix him, the only thing that has ever felt so right, so perfect, so him. That night he cried in the elevator, his heart breaking as he knew that hers was. That night. Love is not enough. Love is not enough. Love has to be enough. He loves her. He loves her. He loves her and that is enough for him. He loves her. He needs her. He loves her. Oh God, he loves her.

Why does it have to hurt so damn bad? Why does it have to hurt? Why does it have to hurt in a way that isn't really pain, but a slow, torture? A pain that he can diagnose, but that he can't even begin to cure. She holds the key. She holds the key to the cure. She holds the key to his heart. She holds the key to his heart and she walked away, taking that key with her. She didn't even hint if she would ever use the key again, but she took it. She took it and left him locked in a tiny room where the walls were continuing to close in, suffocating, smothering, torturing him. She has the key. She has they key to open that door, to open his heart and he doesn't even know if she is going to use it.

He watches her. He watches her jump in the cab as Alex Karev comes running out of the hospital. He watches Alex chasing the love of his lfie while he stands there. He stands there and watches. His feet are concrete, immobile. He watches as he once again begins to feel inadequate. She is the only one. She is the only one that can make him feel this damn inadequate. She is the only one that makes him go crazy, makes him question himself, makes him doubt himself, makes him hate himself. She is the only one that makes him insanely jealous, irrational, self-loathing.

God, he loves her. He loves her and that should be enough. That should be enough. Why can't she just let him love her? He needs to love her.

He watches as the little yellow cab pulls away carrying the love of his life. He feels his livelihood leave him even more as she pulls away. He feels his heart suffer one more long, torturous tear as he watches her. As he watches her leave. As he watches her leave him. Again.

But she promised. She promised him that she would come back. She promsied him that she wouldn't leave again. She promised him. She promised. She has to come back. She promised. She has to come back, right?

Derek's thoughts are interrupted by someone clearing their throat behind him. He reluctantly tears his eyes away from the large window and meets the eyes of the Chief. He struggles to find his voice He struggles to make it heard over the thousands of thoughts, torturous thoughs, that are running, stomping, parading loudly through his head. He clears his throat and shakes his head, hoping to shake them loose. When he does speak, his voice is strangled, weak, and defeated.

Derek: Chief.

Chief: Come on into my office.

Derek just nods dumbly, blinking as he tries to cross the barrier between the world that is his mind and the world that is Seattle Grace. He follows the Chief numbly into his office. He almost crumbles into the chair when the Chief motions for him to sit. He wishes he could crumble. He wishes that he could crumble and disappear through the cracks in the earth. Crumble. Disappear. Numb. No pain. No pain. No. No. He can't. He can't. He can't crumble and disappear because that would mean leaving Meredith. Leaving her. He can't. He can't. He can't do that.

His body, his mind, his soul, all tired. All exhausted. All in constant pain. All interlinked and connected to her. Connected to Meredith. She holds the button that controls the morphine drip. She is his drug. His painkiller. He needs her. He needs her and only her to press that damn button. To give him relief. To give him her. Does she like seeing him in pain? Does she do this to him on purpose? Why does she have to keep doing this? Why? Why? Why?

The Chief's voice finally makes its way through his thoughts, forcing him back to the setting of the Chief's office. Forcing him out of the torture chamber which he has constructed for himself in his own mind.

Chief: Are you okay, Shep?

Derek looks at him, his face worn with sorrow, pain, and anger. When he speaks, his voice is tortured, much like his soul.

Derek: No. No I"m not okay Alright? I'm not okay.

Derek flinches after he hears himself speak these words. Words that resemble those that Meredith spoke to him at prom. Meredith. Prom.

Chief: Well, I think you should take the rest of the day off. I will reschedule your surgeries. You are definitely in no shape to operate today.

Derek just nods and begins to stand.

Chief: I know she hurt you, Shep. I know she broke you, but she is hurting too. Just remember that.

Derek nods once again and turns to leave the office.

Chief: Shep?

Derek turns around.

Chief: She still loves you.

Derek just nods numble and exits the office. He doesn't even bother to change. He walks quickly to his office and retrieves his wallet and keys and walks out of the hospital, one destination on his mind. Meredith. He has to see her. He has to talk to her. He wants to. He needs to. He continues to replay the last year in his head as he drives to her old house. He knows that he hurt her. He hates that he hurt her, but he knows that he did. Is that why she did this? Some sort of twiste payback? Some mechanism to make him feel the pain that she felt?

He feels his nerves building as he pulls into the driveway. There is no sigh of her presence, but she did take a cab. He quickly walks up the steps, thinking it is better to just pull the band-aid off, no anesthesia. He knocks on the door, a hurried and desperate knock. He. Needs. To. See. Her. To. Hear. Her. He needs her. Nothing. He knocks again. Still nothing. He feels in his pocket. He still has his key. He is desperate. He needs her. He needs to see her.

He places the key in the lock and turns it, effectively unlocking the door. He quickly steps in the foyer, shutting the door behind him. He walks over to the stairs, pausing at the bottom, fear stilling his movements. He needs her. He needs to see her. He needs her.

Derek slowly walks up the stairs. One step at a time. Each step becomes harder and harder as his burden begins to weight him down. He finds himself out of breath as he reaches the landing. Out of breath from forgetting to breathe. Forgetting to breathe without Meredith. Meredith. Meredith helps him breathe. She helps him live. She helps him. He needs her. He loves her.

He stops outside her door, not knowing whether to knock or not. He decides to just open the door. He slowly twists the door knob, anticipation building, causing his hands to shake. He slowly pushes the door open and looks into the room. Nothing. Nothing to suggest that she has even been here. Nothing. She isn't here. Nothing.

Frustration and fear begin to take over his body. Frustration that she isn't here. That she is avoiding. That she left in the first place. That she left him. She left. She left him. Him. Fear that she left again. Fear that she is leaving again. Leaving him, again. He can't. He can't take it if she leaves again. He needs to see her. Even if he can't be with her right now. He needs to see her. He needs to inhale her, to breathe her in. He needs her. He misses her. With his whole body he misses her. He needs her. He loves her.

He turns around and leaves the room, wondering where she went and praying that she keeps her promise. That she keep her promise and doesn't leave Seattle. That she doesn't leave him. Because he needs her. He loves her. He loves her and he can't stand the thought of losing her. Not again. Not ever again.

**So...both Derek and Meredith are hurting. Meredith feels that Derek is better off without her and Derek can't imagine not being with her...he loves her...and she loves him...because this story is written basically in stream of consciousness you are seeing the characters thoughts and reading their feelings as they are thinking and feeling them...**

**I really hope you guys are enjoying the story...I noticed a lack of comments for the last chapter so I'm not sure if people have lost interest...so please...comment and review whether it's good or bad...I really do appreciate constructive criticism...**

**That being said...I am a HUGE Merder fan...so you just have to be patient...it will be bad for a while...for a long while...but it will get better...eventually...**

**Thank you all for reading thus far.**

**-Marci**


	7. Chapter 7

She is nervous. Not just butterflies in your stomach nervous, but on your knees bowing down to the porcelain god nervous. Yesterday. Yesterday she was able to escape. To avoid. Today. Today is a whole different story. Today she would have to face them. She could try to run. She could try, but the walls of the hospital will confine her, preventing her from escaping far. She knows that they are angry. She expects them to be angry. She deserves the anger. She deserves the hate. She deserves it. But derserving it and facing it are two completely different stories.

She is going to have to work with them. She is going to have to work with _him_. She bows down again. Hail to the porcelain god. She bowed down frequently during the first trimester of her pregnancy. She bowed down and each time she wished _he_ was there. She wished. She prayed. That was her prayer to the porcelain god. But the porcelain god didn't answer.

She places her hand on her stomach as she struggles to her feet from off of the hotel's bathroom floor. Today they would know. Today _he_ would know. Today the love of her life will discover that he is going to be a father. Today the love of her life will discover that she is carrying his offspring. Today. Today. Today seems to have come too soon. Today sounded so much better yesterday, when it was still tomorrow. Tomorrow. Yesterday. Today. Time. Time slips away. It doesn't feel like it has been four months. It feels like it has been an eternity. A painful, torturous eternity spent alone. Alone without her friends, who are really her family. Alone. Alone without her dead mummy, her dead fake mummy, and her estranged father. Alone. Most of all alone without _him_. Thinking about him. Thinking about not having him, not being with him, that is when she feels the most alone.

Cold. Cold is how she feels. Cold is how she feels without the warmth from his body. Cold is how she feels without the warmth of his body next to hers. Cold. Alone. Without _him_. Alone.

What will he say? How will he feel? Will he hate her? He should. He should hate her. He should hate her so much. She hates her. So, surely he hates her. He should. She deserves it. Poison. She is poison and she unknowingly poisoned his happiness. Her poison took root in him and distorted his previous happiness into misery. Misery that he asked her to release him from. Misery that she tried to release him from. Misery that she tried to release him from when she left. Misery. Poison. Her fault.

She inhales deeply as the Seattle air feels her lungs. Not home. Home is with _him_. Not oxygen. _He_ is her oxygen. Each breath. Each breath of something other than her oxygen leaves her body feeling depleated, pained. Her blood is blue. Her blood is blue from the lack of oxygenation. Her blood is blue just as her skin was blue when she was pulled out of the water. She is drowning again. She is drowning again and she doesn't even know it. She is drowning again and she refuses to acknowledge it. She is drowning again and she refuses to be saved. Her lungs hurt. her lungs hurt because she is drowning again. Who will save her? Will _he_ save her? He is the only one who can, but will he?

She walks down to meet the waiting taxi. The taxi that she called because she doesn't want to confront her roommates. Ex-roommates. Not yet. She wondered before yesterday if they would hate her. She wondered until she saw their faces. Their pained, hurt, angry faces. Alex. Alex was the only one who came after her. _He_ didn't even come after. Her feelings on this are somewhat mixed. She is both relieved and hurt that he didn't come after her. But she knows that even if he had, she would still have ran. It is, afterall, what she is good at.

Her hand rests comfortably on her stomach as she exits the cab. She is frozen to the spot, staring up at the taunting walls of the hospital. Staring. Her stomach is obvious today. Her stomach will be obvious under her scrubs. She doesn't fight it anymore. She has given up the fight, surrendered the battle, lost the war. Let them know. Let them all know. Let _him_ know. He deserves to know. He deserves to be there. He deserves it. She doesn't deserve to have him there...but he deserves to be there. She knows that she will need him. She knows that she needs him. She knows, but she refuses to admit it. Admitting makes it real, and right now she is enjoying her stay in the land of make belief. A land which she frequents often as she refuses to deal with her problems, as she avoids, as she runs.

She sees _him_ out of the corner of her eye. She sees him and this is her motivation to move her feet. To move her feet and flee from him. To flee from him. To avoid him. To avoid him and finally enter the hospital. She quickly walks into the hospital and waits for the elevator, receiving several curious glances as people notice her baby bump. The elevator finally arrives, after what seems like forever. She steps on, hoping that the doors close before he can make it. Before they are confined together in suh a small space. She used to love elevators. She used to love being in elevators with him. She used to. But now, now she starts to feel slightly claustrophobic. She looks to her left.

_Crap._

Addison.

Addison: Dr. Grey.

Meredith: Dr. Montgomery.

The doors start to close. They are almost there. She is finally starting to release the breath she didn't know she was holding. Starting to. Almost there. Almost closed. She sees him running to the elevator. She sees his eyes searching hers desperately. She sees him and she closes her eyes. Hoping that he doesn't make it. Hoping that the doors close. Hoping to avoid once more. Eyes closed tight. Hoping. She hears something. She hears someone breathing heavily next to her. She knows its him. She feels him. She knows its him. She can feel him looking at her. She knows that his eyes are trailing down her body, drinking her in. She can hear him inhale deeply, breathing her in. She hears the slight gasp as he notices her pregnant stomach. Eyes closed tight. Eyes closed tight until a voice forces her to speak, forces her to acknowledge herself in the elevator.

Addison: I see that I have an appointment with you later today, Dr. Grey. I hope that everything is fine?

Meredith swallows. She feels him. She feels him looking at her, waiting for her to answer. She finally opens her eyes and looks to her left, where Addison is standing. Avoiding him. Avoiding looking at him. Avoiding.

Meredith (in a strained voice): Yes, everything is fine. Dr. Webber wanted me to have a check-up as soon as possible. He wanted documentation to show that they are okay, that I am okay.

Addison raises her eyebrows and Derek looks at her even more intently.

Addison: They?

_Crap._

Meredith: Ummmm...yeah...uhhh...I'm having twins...

She can hear Derek gasp, but refuses to look in his direction. Refuses to acknowledge him. Refuses to face him. To confront him. Avoidance.

Addison: And how far along are you?

Meredith: Umm...almost 20 weeks...

Now he knows. Now he knows for certain. Now he knows for certain that he is going to be a father. Now he knows for certain that he is going to be the father of twins. Now he knows and she begins to feel sick. She begins to feel sick from the nerves, from the fear.

The elevator stops at Addison's floor. She looks back at Meredith.

Addison: Well, I may be able to tell you the sexes today. That is, if you want to know.

Meredith: Yeah, I do. Thanks.

Addison smiles lightly at Meredith before glancing briefly at Derek's pale face. Meredith fidgets nervously with her watch, feeling Derek's eyes on her. Hoping that the elevator hurries up before she vomits on the floor in this confined space. Hoping. Praying. Her prayers are interrupted by a brisk, almost curt voice.

Derek: What time?

She knows that he is talking to her. She knows that he is talking to her but she can't find her voice. She doesn't want to find her voice. She doesn't want to acknowledge that he is there. She can't. She can't. She can't. She wants nothing more than to reach out and wrap her arms around his body. To place his strong hands on her abdomen so that they can marvel over the lives that they created. So that they can marvel together. She wants nothing more than to be with him. For him to hold her. She wants nothing more, but she knows that she doesn't deserve it. She can't. She can't. She can't poison him again. Not again. Not ever again.

Derek (a little harsher): What time?

Meredith (barely audible): Ten.

Meredith can't believe that she spoke. She can't believe that she found her voice. Her voice that was hiding somewhere deep within the pit of her stomach. Her voice that was broken. Broken just as she is. Broken. Broken. Meredith is broken.

Before he can speak again, the elevator doors open and Meredith rushes out and bends over the nearest trash can. She begins to dry heave, the contents of her stomach having already been emptied earlier that morning. It hurts. The heaving. The heaving and being empty. So empty. She is so empty. Tears streak down her face with the strain and the pain. The pain that she knows she deserves. The pain that reminds her that she is alive, that she is human, that she is alone. Pain. Heaving. She feels her stomach contract as it forces nothing up into her esophagus. Heaving. Pain.

Then she feels him. She feels him standing behind her. She feels him standing behind her and she knows that he is watching her. She knows. She feels him kneel down beside her, but her eyes are squeezed shut in pain. She feels him. She feels him. But when he is finally there, after so many prayers before, when he is finally there she feels torn. She wants him there, but she doesn't. She doesn't deserve to have him there. She doesn't deserve the comfort. She deserves the pain. She knows that one simple touch, one simple gesture from him will obliterate her pain. The pain that she derserves. She feels his palm on her back, slowly moving up and down. She feels his mouth nearing her ear. She feels him. Moving closer. She feels him.

Meredith (gasping): Don't!

She flinches away from his touch, not looking to see the hurt expression cross his face. She flinches away from his touch. The touch that she doesn't deserve to feel. That she longs to feel. That she has dreamed of feeling. But that she doesn't deserve to feel.

Derek (in a sigh): Mer..

Meredith straightens up. Her cheeks are tear stained and her eyes are red from the pain of the dry heaving.

Meredith (in a harsh voice): Don't! Don't touch me! Don't talk to me! Just don't!

This time she sees the hurt. She sees that once again she has caused him pain. She sees this. She sees this and it causes her even more pain. She sees this and there is nothing she can do. She can't help him. She can't. She can't. She can't help him because she can't help herself. She doesn't want him to feel pain, but being with her, being with her would cause him even more pain. She is poison. She would poison him. Again. She would make him miserable. Again. She would and she can't. She can't do that. She wants him to be happy. She needs him to be happy. She needs to make him hate her. She needs to make him hate her so that he can be happy. She has enough love for them both, so he can hate her.

Derek runs a frustrated hand through his hair. Meredith turns around to walk away, his eyes following her, his voice calling after her.

Derek: I will see you at ten.

Meredith doesn't turn around. She doesn't turn around to argue. She doesn't. She can't. She can't because she knows that he deserves to be there. She wants him there. She needs him there. But more importantly, they need him there. He needs to be there. He deserves to be there. He deserves to be there although she knows that she doesn't deserve to have him there.

She takes a deep breath before entering the locker room, preparing herself for even more self-hatred and self-loathing as she sees the anger and pain of the others she has hurt. Preparing herself for it and counting on it. Counting on it as she knows that she deserves it. She deserves it. She deserves to be miserable. She deserves to be miserable because she made the love of her life miserable. Miserable Meredith.

She pushes the door open and officially begins her first day back at Seattle Grace.

**So...Derek now officially knows that Meredith is pregnant with his children...the next update is basically this same scene except from Derek's point of view...Hope you liked...**

**-Marci**


	8. Chapter 8

He runs a heavy hand through his messy hair. Heavy. Like his heart, like his soul. Heavy. Like the burden that weighs down his shoulders. He glances at himself in the rearview mirror, the lines of worry and exhaustion marring his face, making him seem at least five years older. The bags under his eyes only supporting this look. Bags from his sleepless night. His sleepless night spent with a bottle of scotch and memories. Memories of _her_. Memories that only intensify the ache created from the emptiness he feel deep in his stomach.

He misses her. He misses her so damn much. One look, one moment of her just isn't enough. He wants more. He needs more. Oh God, does he miss her. He misses her giggle. A rarity, but music to his ears at its light dulcet tones pierce the air, a tale tale sign of her happiness. Her giggle. Light, from the heart. Her heart. Her heart that he thought he had. He thought he had her heart until he came home one day to that damn note. She might as well have broken up with him by post-it note attached to the phone. Yes, he saw that episode of "Sex in the City." Meredith made him watch him. Well, she didn't make him. He loved doing things with her, anything, as long as he was with her.

Loved. Past tense. Past tense because he doesn't even know where she is right now. Past tense because he doesn't know where they are right now. Past tense. Past. Not now. Past. Damn the past. He misses her now. He needs her now. He needs to feel her skin. Her skin that is like porcelain. Her soft, smooth skin that seems to melt into his when they are together. When they are more than together, because sex to them wasn't about just feeling some physical need. It was about being as close to each other as physically possible. It was about trying to cross the barrier created by their skins and melt into each other. It was about trying to touch the other's heart, the other's soul. Sex to them was love and love to them, that was everything.

Everything. She was everything to him. She is everything to him. That is why these past four months he has felt like he has nothing. Nothing. Nothing is what he has without her. Nothing is what he is without her. She makes him someone. Nothing. Everything. She isn't just something. No. She is everything. His everything. He needs that back. He needs her back. He needs his reason to get out of bed. His reason to breathe. His reason to operate. His reason to live. Surgery used to be enough. Surgery used to be enough until Meredith Grey entered his life. She made him want to be better. Not for the prestige or the power or the money, but for _her_. He wanted, wants, to be better for her. Because none of it matters. None of it matters if she isn't there by his side for the ride. None of it matters if she isn't there to hold his hand, to support him, to smile at him.

Damn, he misses her smile. Especially the smile that works its way up into her eyes and manifests itself into some kind of light that dances around in her irises. He misses the slow upcurling of the corner of her mouth as she tries to fight it. She tries to fight it because she is Meredith Grey. She is Meredith Grey and Meredith Grey doesn't smile, not when she is supposed to be dark and twisty. He loves that she tries to fight it. He loves that she can't. He loves the fact that her happiness can at time dominate her dark and twistedness. But what happened? What happened this time? Why did she have to run? Why couldn't she just talk to him? Why? He would have been there. He wanted to be there. He needed to be there. So, why not let him?

He slams his hands against his steering wheel as these questions run through his head. The questions and thoughts that have been running through his head since he saw her yesterday. She appeared as a mirage as he was dehydrated. Dehydrated from lack of her. Dehydrated from lack of Meredith. From lack of oxygen. From lack of love. He sighs as he opens the door of his car and steps out, dreading not seeing her today. Not wanting to face not seeing her today. Terrified of not seeing her today. Terrified of losing her. Again. Not again.

He runs a heavy hand through his messy hair as he looks up. He looks up and he sees her. He sees _her_. An angel in the midst of mere mortals. His eyes travel down her body and he gasps as he takes in her very obvious baby bump. His baby. His baby inside of the love of his life. Their baby. Their baby together. His baby is in there. Right now. His. Hers. Theirs. Together. She looks more beautiful than ever, if that is even possible. Beautiful with their baby in her stomach. Baby. His. He is going to be a father. A dad. A daddy. Him. Derek Michael Shepherd is going to be a father. They are going to be parents. Together. Wow.

He feels the tears prick the corners of his eyes as he picks up his pace. He wants to talk to her. He needs to talk to her. He notices her increased pace and begins to feel a slight panic. He isn't really sure why. He knows that she isn't leaving. She is going into the hospital. He knows that. So, why is he feeling panic? Because. Because she is running away from him. Again. She is running to the hospital in her attempt to get away from him. But this time, this time he isn't going to just stand by. He begins to run after her, hoping to catch her at the elevator. To catch them. His Meredith and his baby. Hoping. Praying. Baby. Wow. Daddy. Unreal.

He locks eyes with her. He locks eyes with her as she is standing in the elevator. He sees the panic and the pain in her eyes. He doesn't look away. He refuses to look away. He needs to see her. He needs to see her heart. He needs to see her soul. He needs to see her. He feels his frustration building as she closes her eyes. She closes her eyes as the door begin to close. She closes her eyes. She shuts him out. Again. He runs. He runs. He runs. He needs to be on that elevator. He needs to breathe her in. He needs to breathe for the first time in months. He needs to.

He is breathing raggedly when he stops the elevator and steps in next to Meredith. She doesn't open her eyes. Eyes still closed. His eyes unable to even blink. Afraid that if he blinks she will disappear. She will disappear and he will go back to his miserable existence without her. Miserable without her. Miserable. Miserable isn't the same miserable when she is here. At least when she is here he can breathe. He can't breathe when she is gone. When she is gone and he is nothing. When he is alone. When he is miserable.

His eyes run over her body as he breathes her in. His lungs feeling relief at having their oxygen once again, his blood turning from blue to red. He gasps again as he takes in her baby bump. It is larger than it looks from a distance. He fights the urge to place his hand on it. To feel her skin. To feel his child, their child, under her skin. He fights the urge as he knows that she is no longer his. No longer his. Not right now. But God, he needs her to be his again. He needs that more than he needs oxygen, more than he needs sustenance. He needs her more because she has become all of those things to him. Food tastes like ash without her in his life, drink like vinegar. He needs her. He needs her to feel again. He needs her to feel human again.

He can't believe how close he is to her right now. She is mere inches away from him. He can feel the heat radiating from her body. He can hear her heart beating if he listens hard enough. Or maybe that is his own heart. It doesn't matter. They are one and the same. They have been one and the same since the first day he met her in the bar and she took advantage. Or he took advantage. Either way, someone took advantage. His thoughts are somewhat interrupted by a familiar voice breaking the tension filled silence.

Addison: I see that I have an appointment with you later today, Dr. Grey. I hope that everything is fine?

Meredith swallows. She feels him. She feels him looking at her, waiting for her to answer. She finally opens her eyes and looks to her left, where Addison is standing. Avoiding him. Avoiding looking at him. Avoiding.

He looks at her, waiting for her to answer. He sees her swallow down a lump that has apparently formed in her throat. She has an appointment today. She has an appointment today with Addison. She has an appointment today with his ex-wife. She has an appointment today and she didn't even tell him. She didn't even tell him so that he could be there. He wants to be there. He needs to be there and she didn't even tell him. Now, he is starting to feel angry. An anger tinged with hurt. She hates him so much that she would keep him away from their child. But why did she come back? Why did she come back if she wants to keep him away from their child? Why not just stay away and he would never have know? He is glad that she came back, but why keep him away? Why?

Meredith (in a strained voice): Yes, everything is fine. Dr. Webber wanted me to have a check-up as soon as possible. He wanted documentation to show that they are okay, that I am okay.

Derek looks at her even more intently. They. They. As in more than one. They. They. They.

Addison: They?

Meredith: Ummmm...yeah...uhhh...I'm having twins...

Derek gasps and he stares at her, hoping that she turns around, hoping that she will answer the question that he is so desperately asking with his eyes. Needing her to tell him. Tell him to his face that he is having twins. That they are having twins. Not one, but two. Two children at once. He is not having a baby, he is having babies. Plural. More than one. At the same time. Babies. He is going to be a father, a daddy, twice. Twice. He is going to have two children with the love of his life. He is going to be connected to her for eternity and he is happy about that. He is happy to have this connection with her. Thrilled. But still hurt. She didn't tell him. She hasn't told him. She hasn't acknowledged him. She hasn't told him that he is going to be a father. Nothing. He needs her to tell him. He needs to hear it from her. In her voice.

Addison: And how far along are you?

Meredith: Umm...almost 20 weeks...

Twenty weeks. She is twenty weeks pregnant. I am going to be a father in less than twenty weeks. Twice. Babies. Responsibility. With Meredith. With the love of my life. That means she was about four weeks pregnant when she left. Did she know before she left? Oh God. He feels sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He feels as if the floor has just fallen out from underneath his feet and he is lingering somewhere. Somewhere. But he isn't sure where. She can't have known. No. She wouldn't do that. She came back. She came back and that matters. That matters. It matters to him that she came back.

Addison: Well, I may be able to tell you the sexes today. That is, if you want to know.

Meredith: Yeah, I do. Thanks.

He sees her begin to fidget with her watch, a sign of her nervousness. She is nervous around him. When did that happen? When did it happen that things went from natural and amazing to uncomfortable? Was it before she left and he just didn't notice? Oh God. He needs her. He needs her so much. He needs her so much it fucking hurts. Fucking. Hurts. Somehow he manages to find his voice, a voice that he is surprised to find laced with anger and hurt.

Derek: What time?

He stares at her intently. He knows that she is trying to ignore him. He knows. He can tell by the way that her jaw in clenched and she is staring intently at the metal doors of the elevator. He can tell and it pisses him off. It pisses him off even more because she won't acknowledge him. She refuses to acknowledge him. She refuses to acknowledge that he is the father of the children that she is carrying. She refuses. She won't tell him the time. She won't tell him the damn time and he deserves to be there. He wants to be there. He needs to be there. He already feels like he has missed so much in missing the first twenty weeks. He needs to be there. He will not be that father. he will not be absent. He will be there, damn it!

Derek (a little harsher): What time?

Meredith (barely audible): Ten.

She answered. She was reluctant, but she answered. She told him and now he knows and now he can be there. He can be there to find out the sexes. Oh God. He is going to find out today if he is going to have daughters or sons, or both. Thrilling. Exciting. Frightening. But it doesn't take away the anger or the hurt that he is feeling towards her. Towards the mother of his children. Towards the love of his life. She is the only one that can change that. It won't take much. He knows that. He knows that he is hopelessly whipped when it comes to her. He knows that and he is okay with it. he is happy that he has found that person who makes him melt in her hands, most of the time anyways. He is happy, but he is so pissed. His pissed-offedness just keeps building as he thinks about what he has missed and what he could have missed if she hadn't come back. If she hadn't told him the time of the appointment. He is pissed and he knows, he feels that it might take a lot more than a simple apology this time. He needs an explanation. He deserves an explanation. One not in the form of a freaking post-it. Although it wasn't really a post-it, but that's not the point.

Before he can speak again, the elevator doors open and Meredith rushes out and bends over the nearest trash can. She begins to dry heave, the contents of her stomach having already been emptied earlier that morning. He runs after her. His anger taking a back seat for the moment as he sees her pain. He sees her pain and he wants to take it all away. He would feel that pain for her. He wants to feel that pain for her. He hates to see her in pain, even when he is pissed. He hates to see her like this. He hates it. He hates it so much.

He is now standing behind her. He is standing behind her as she hovers over the trash can in the hallway, several pairs of eyes watching her. Watching her and already beginning the gossip. He quickly turns his attention entirely on her. He kneels down beside her. His heart aches as he sees the pain etched across her face, the tears falling despite her shut eyes. He is tentative. He wants to touch her. He wants to rub her back. He wants to make her feel better. He wants to, but should he?

Screw it. He places a hand on her back and begins to slowly move it up and down, hoping to relieve some of her pain. He notices a brief moment of relief and he begins to lean in. He wants to whisper comforting words in her ear. To make her feel better. To let her know that he still loves her. He wants to. He needs to. He desperately needs to. She feels amazing under his hand. Amazing. God, he has missed her. He misses her. She feels amazing. Amazing.

Meredith (gasping): Don't!

He feels her flinching away, hurt spreading across his face. She is flinching away from his touch. Almost as if he makes her sick. Almost as if she can't stand to be touched by him. Is this what he has become to her? Does he make her sick? Does a mere touch from him make her sick? Make her flinch? Does she really hate him? Does she realize what she is doing to him? What this is doing to him? He feels as if he is slowly dying inside without her. He feels as if one more nail has made its way through the strong muscle of his now weakened, hurt heart and is slowly ripping. Ripping. Tearing. Scaring. Pain. Misery. Him. Derek Shepherd. Miserable. Miserable because the love of his life flinches at his slightest touch. Flinches. Flinches and hesitates to tell him the appointment time. The appointment to learn the sex of his children. Their children. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Anger. Pissed off. Pain. Hurt. Anger. Hurt. Misery. Pissed. Off. Damn. It. Damn it all to hell.

Love. But he still loves her. If he didn't it wouldn't hurt this much and his emotions. Well, they wouldn't be this intense, this diverse. He would be indifferent. Like he was with Addison. He is anything but indifferent with Meredith. He is so un indifferent that he feels his very life rests in her hands, right where his heart rests. Damn it. Damn it but he is glad. He is glad that he has found that. His soul mate, the love of his life, the one who has become his everything, his entire world. Meredith. Damn it. Love. Love is worth the pain, the hurt, the misery, the anger. It is worth it. She is worth it. But he is still pissed off. Angry. Angry with himself. Angry with the world. Angry with her. But more angry with himself. He let it get to this point. It is his fault. His fault. Damn it. He is just angry. Angry at everyone and everything right at this moment. His anger seeps through his pores as he fights to contain it. Angry.

He fights to find his voice. He fights to keep his voice in check. To break the dead silence that has formed between them. An eery silence that speaks of their distance, even though they are so close. So close yet so far away. So close. Far away. He can't show his anger. He can't. He can't. It will only push her away and make her more reluctant. He doesn't need any more distance. No more distance. They are emotionally on seperate sides of the world. It is like she is in China and he is trying to dig through the earth with a spoon. Damn spoon. Damn earth. Damn China. Damn. Damn. Damn. Struggling. Struggling to find his voice and force it into something other than an angry tone.

Derek (in a sigh): Mer..

She straightens up. Her cheeks are tear stained and her eyes are red from the pain of the dry heaving. Her name feels so good rolling off of his tongue.

Meredith (in a harsh voice): Don't! Don't touch me! Don't talk to me! Just don't!

Stab. Stab. Stab. Dagger in the heart. Ouch. Pain. Hurt misery. Stab. Her voice. Stab. Her words. Stab. Her expression. Stab. Stab. Stab. So much damn pain. So much damn pain that he wants to crumple to the floor in a heap of Derek and die. Die. Die and end the pain. But he doesn't want to die. He can't. Because althought dying would end his pain, it would seperate him from Meredith and he can't. He can't. He can't. He can't be seperated from her again. He just can't. Pain. So much pain. So much pain that he wants to cry. Him. A grown man. Reduced to tears by words. Painful words that are a dagger in his heart. Stab. Stab. Stab. Pain. Pain. Anger. Frustration. Pain. Frustration. So many emotions stemmed from so much love. Love that refuses to let him hate her. Love that refuses to let him walk away. Damn love. Love that is causes him to live in pain. Love that causes him to be so angry, so pissed off, so miserable. Love. Love that once saved him and continues to save him, because without her love. Without her love he is sure that he would not be alive right now. Not in the literal snese, but figuratively. He would be a zombie, the living dead. He would be a zombie and he wouldn't mind. But now, now that he has tasted life. Life with her. Life with the love of his life. He never wants to go back to that. He can't. He can't. He can't.

He has to fight. He has to fight the battle of his life for his life. For the love of his life. He has to fight and he plans on fighting with every fiber of his body. He plans to fight for as long as he has to to win her back. She is his prize and she is worth it. He has to fight for him. He has to fight for her. He has to fight for their children. He has to. It is fight of die and if he doesn't win this fight, if he doesn't win her, he hopes for death, because life without her is simply unimaginable. He wants her. He needs her. He loves her. He is pissed at her, but he loves her.

Derek runs a frustrated hand through his hair. Meredith turns around to walk away, his eyes following her, his voice calling after her.

Derek: I will see you at ten.

He watches her walk away. He watches her walk away again, a trend that she seems to have adopted. He watches her walk away again and he can't watch anymore. He can't. He can't. He turns around and head to his office, unable to watch her walk away with his heart, his life, his children, once again.

**So, this is the same scene as in the last chapter, but front Derek's point of view. One thing I want to mention is the slow pace of this story. It is moving along slowly, and there are several reasons. One reason is because that the time they spend apart feels like forever, so time to them is moving slow as well. Another reason is because of the amount of emotions that are being written. When you write someone's emotions it is usually over a shorter period of time...this story thus far is more about inner dialogue and the emotional states of Derek and Meredith than anything else. That is all I have to say for now. So, if you like this story or if you don't...let me know...**

**-Marci**


	9. Chapter 9

Breathe. Just. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. She can do this. She can do this. She has to do this. Her hand is on the door. The door to the residents' lockerroom. The door behind which four of her very hurt friends reside. Breathe. Just. Breathe. She deserves this. She deserves the pain and the suffering that she is going through. She brought this on herself. Breathe.

The door feels heavy, incredibly heavy, like her heart. Her heart that now physically resides somewhere around the area of her kidneys. Her heart, if she still had her heart. If he didn't have her heart that is exactly where it would be. A third wheel to the kidneys. Heavy door. Breathe. She can do this.

She inahles deeply and pushes. She pushes. She pushes. The weight of the door feels like the weight of the world as her wrists ache under its weight. She is Atlas and the door is the world. She is holding the weight of the world on her shoulders. She is holding so much on her shoulders. So much. And she believes that she deserves it. She hates herself. She hates herself so damn much.

She averts her eyes to the ground and she walks in and a hush immediately falls on the room. She is exposed. She is naked and exposed. She hears the numerous gasps as people begin to notice her pregnant stomach. She can feel the cold eyes that are boring holes through her head. She is naked. She is naked and exposed. She is naked and exposed and cold. She is naked and exposed and cold and alone. All alone. Alone. She is poison. It is better this way. Better for people to keep their distance. Much better, she tells herself. She believes that she is protecting other people. She really does believe that, but in all actuality, she is protecting herself.

She saw the way Burke looked at Cristina. She saw how much he loved her. She saw that and he walked away. She saw the love and he walked away and broke Cristina. Strong, fierce Cristina. Broken. Broken Cristina after Hurricane Preston. Broken. Meredith was already broken. She couldn't rise it. Dust is just too hard to repair. Pieces. Pieces can be put back together, but Meredith knew, she knows, that it will only take one more stomp, one more pair of shoes walking away to turn those pieces into dust. Dust that will blow away and never be replaced in a heart, in a soul that can never be mended. She didn't realize this, but Meredith was protecting herself the only way she knows how. Running. Avoiding. In the fight or flight dichotomy, Meredith chose flight. Meredith chose flight and she decided to walk away before anyone else could walk away from her.

She sighs as she finally forces her eyes from the floor. Finally forces herself to face the destruction that she left behind. Finally forces herself to stop running away, to stop avoiding one thing, well, more like four things. She looks up. She looks up from the floor and is greeted by two pairs of very cold, hurt eyes. Eyes that are shooting daggers. Daggers that are aimed directly for her heart that is now located next to her kidneys. Daggers. Pain. Sorrow. Pain. Stab.

She instinctively places her hand on her stomach, almost as if she is protecting her unborn children against the daggers that are being thrown at her. In all honestly, Meredith finds comfort in the two unborn lives that are currently residing in her uterus. These past four months they have been her only friends, her confidents. She loves them so much already. Surprising, right? She was terrified when she found out she was pregnant, she is still terrified. Scared shitless, in fact. She is going to be responsible for two lives and that...well...hell, that is scary. Scared. Pain. Fear. Yup. One syllable words pretty much describe her mental state right now. Confused. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow. Suffering. The list goes on.

Breathe in. Breathe out. She finally takes a step forward and the crowd parts like the Red Sea parted for Moses, like she has a disease, like she _is_ a disease. Well, she couldn't argue that point. Someone call the CDC, Meredith Grey has entered the building, mass misery is bound to ensue. Meredith looks around to survey the damage from the last Meredith outbreak. Or perhaps Grey outbreak would be better, because she is pretty damn sure that her mother was the original carrier of the damn virus. It is ironic. A medical procedure has her name, and now a virus. Meredith can't help but to smirk at herself.

Now people are looking at her funny. She has a tendency to do that nowadays, get lost in her own thoughts. It's not like she has a pair of bright blue eyes to get lost in anymore. She needs some kind of escape. He used to be her oasis, her place where she went when she needed comfort, nourishment, or rescuing. Now she knows that he was never anything more than a mirage. A mirage that she continued to run to. To run to until her lungs hurt from the lack of oxygen and her limbs began to feel numb from the exertion. She ran to him only to discover that it wasn't real. The fairytale doesn't exist. Not for Meredith Grey, anyways. She was stupid enough to ever even believe that it was possible. Her, Meredith Grey, with a happily ever after. Yeah right. In her dreams. In her McDreamy.

She goes into the bathroom to change into her scrubs, aware of the gazes that are locked on her. She quickly opens the door, this time seeing the solid piece of material as a barrier between her and the antagonzing gazes. The antagonizing gazes that she deserves to have fixed on her. She deserves it. She deserves it. She deserves it. Poison. Tainted. Seeping, festering, wounds. That is what she caused. She is the source. She deserves their hate. She deserves their hate because she caused them so much pain.

She changes into her scrubs, struggling to get her now too small scrub top over her ever-growing stomach. It is a tight fit. A really tight fit.

_Note to self--get new, bigger scrub tops for my fat ass._

Meredith leans back up against the door, enjoying the feeling of the cool surface that is seeping through her scrubs. Her scrubs that are now so tight she can't wear an undershit. She really does feel naked today. She looks at her watch.

Four hours. Four hours until her appointment. Four hours until she has to see him again. Four hours. Four hours until he gets to hear the sound of his childrens' heartbeats for the first time. Four hours until he gets to see their tiny forms on the screen. The first time she saw them she nicknamed them. She nicknamed them Peanut and Cashew. Eclectic? Yes. But when asked she says that one of the twins was curled up in a ball, like a cashew. She reasoned the Peanut name because she said her kids where two nuts in a cup, not two peas in a pod. Peas are green and disgusting. Four hours. Four long hours that are really too short. Four hours.

Oh God. What if she gets assigned to him today? No. She can't. Surely they won't. She is a resident now, but she is still assigned to an attending. An attending in her department. An attending in the neuro department. Damn it. Now four hours sound pretty damn good.

Voice: What the hell are you fools doing standing around? There are lives to save! Go find your attending and get to it! What the hell you still standing there for, Karev?? Go!

Voice: Where the hell is Grey?!

Meredith reluctantly opens the bathroom door to reveal a very stout woman standing in the locker room, her hands on her hips. She looks Meredith up and down. Meredith swallows. She is nervous. She is very nervous. This woman, this woman scares the hell out of her. This woman scares the hell out of her but she knows that she has a soft spot, that she isn't as bad as she seems, although she would never admit that out loud. Never.

Meredith: Ummm...hi..hey..uhh..Dr. Bailey...I was...uhh...

Bailey: Shut it, Grey! I don't care what you were doing.

Bailey runs her eyes up and down Meredith's body. Naked. Naked. Naked. Standing naked on the stage in the auditorium in front of everyone. The terrible high school fear dream. She is living her worst nightmare. Naked.

Meredith: Sorry.

Bailey: You look like you are about to bust out of that scrub top, Grey.

Meredith: Um...yeah...I...uhh...sort of...popped...I guess...

Bailey: Popped? You popped?

Meredith: Yeah. I...I'm a lot bigger than I was last week. I didn't think..

Bailey: Of course you are bigger, you are carrying a person, Grey...

Meredith: People, I'm carrying people.

Bailey's jaw drops slightly, before she quickly closes it again.

Bailey: Well, go find a scrub top that fits and then you are on scut today.

Meredith: But...that's work for interns.

Bailey: Well, I expect a certain level of distraction from you today. So today, today you are an intern. Do I make myself clear?

Meredith: Yes, Dr. Bailey.

Bailey looks around to make sure no one is watching and she leans in closer to Meredith.

Bailey: I'm glad your back Grey, place just isn't the same without you.

Meredith smiles her first genuine smile in what seems like forever.

Meredith: Thank you.

Bailey turns to walk away, but stops and turns back around.

Bailey: Oh, and congratulation Grey. You will make an excellent mother, and that fool of a neurosurgeon will make an excellent father.

Meredith has to fight the tears. She knows. Of course she knows. She's Bailey. She seems to know everything. Naked. Exposed. Naked.

Meredith: Thank you.

Bailey turns again, but Meredith suddenly remembers something.

Meredith: Dr. Bailey?

Bailey: What?

Meredith: I have an appointment today at ten. I just wanted to let you know.

Bailey nods.

Bailey: Okay. You better take it easy Grey. I will be watching you and I'm sure a certain surgeon will be as well.

Meredith just nods and Bailey walks out, leaving her standing in the locker room all alone. Alone and naked. Naked and alone. She runs her hand over the tight fabric that is clinging to her stomach. Scut. At least that means she doesn't have to work with him. Not yet. At least she doesn't have to see him. For four more hours. Her back and feet already hurt. Damn him and his super sperm. Actually, she can't say that. She can't. She can't because she already loves the two tiny people growing inside of her more than anything.

She inhales deeply before stepping out of the locker room and into the world that is Seattle Grace. Not quite ready to face that world, but not really having any choice. Avoidance only works for so long, but she is still avoiding. She may be there. She may be at Seattle Grace, but she still isn't confronting her friends, facing those she hurt, dealing wth the pain she caused. She is still avoiding, but now she is pretending that she isn't. Well, with the exception of Derek that is. Of course she is avoiding him. She is avoiding him because the pain is the most intense when she sees him. When she sees the pain in his eyes that she knows that she caused. She can't. She can't. She can't.

She begins walking down the hallway to a storage closet to retrieve a few new scrub tops, several gazes following her and several mouths already beginning to spread the news about the return of the notorious and the now pregnant Meredith Grey.


	10. Chapter 10

Pain. Shooting, searing pain. Being pregnant sucks. Her feet hurt. Her back hurts. Her head hurts. Seriously. Being. Pregnant. Sucks. And she has only been working for an hour. Delivering lab results for an hour. If another person touches her stomach she swears that she is going to slash their throat with a rusty scalpel. Hell, she may even opt for a butterknife. Truth is. The truth is that she is avoiding. She is happy to be delivering labs. Happy to be avoiding. Well, as happy as she can be. Okay. Not happy. Relieved. In pain and relieved. Relieved. Avoidance. Pain. Pregnant.

She sighs as she picks up a heavy pile of labs, sorting them by room number to decrease the amount of steps her hurting, swollen feet have to take. Being pregnant sucks. Being pregnant sucks but she wouldn't have it any other way. She rubs a tired hand over her swollen stomach. She wants something. What does she want? She want some peanut butter. That's right. Peanut butter. And not just any peanut butter. She was Peter Pan creamy peanut butter. She begins to salivate just thinking about the thick cream gracing the thousands of taste buds the line her tongue. She licks her lips at the thought. Peanut butter and oreos. Now that is an idea. Why is she so hungry? Oh yeah, she forgot to eat breakfast. She forgot to eat breakfast and then she emptied the contents of her stomach this morning in the trash can.

She groans as she her the ache in her feet intensifies. She doesn't know why she is hurting so bad. She has only been at work for an hour. It is an effort to lift her feet as she slowly trudges towards the first room. Pain. But at least this pain is different. At least this is physical pain. Pain that she can diagnose. Pain that she can ease when she sits down. Pain that she wished she could ease by getting a foot massage...but who does she know that would give her a foot massage? That's right. No one. Alone. She is alone. All. Alone. Just her. Just Meredith. No one else. Alone. Lonely. Alone.

She pauses outside the patient's room and leans against the wall, hoping to relieve just some of the weight that is causing her feet to hurt. She sighs as she grips the charts closer to her chest. One hours. It has been hour. Three more until her appointment. Three more until she knew she had to see him again. That is, if he doesn't forget. She doesn't know which would be worse, seeing him or not seeing him. Surely he will show, won't he?

She lifts her eyes to the floor and green meets blue. He looks worried and is making his way towards her, so she does the one thing that she is best at. She avoids. She runs. She pushes herself off of the wall, wincing slightly in pain, and rushes into the patient's room. She doesn't fail to notice the look of disappointment on his face. She hopes that he isn't waiting for her when she leaves the room.

The patient is happy to learn that he is going to be okay. He is happy, but not as happy as his wife. His wife who proceeds to hug Meredith and pat her stomach. She has had enough. ENOUGH. Her feet hurt. Her back hurts. Her head hurts. Her stomach hurts. She is hungry. She has indigestion. She has gas. She is carrying two people in her uterus fo God's sake. HER uterus. Not some patient's wife, or grandmother, or sister. HERS. Meredith Grey's uterus. Please do not place hand in general area. Caution. Please do not touch Meredith's stomach. Do not touch at risk of your own life. Seriously, people. Haven't they ever heard of a freaking bubble? Personal space, maybe?

She rushes out of the room, so many emotions written across her face. She is pissed. She is in pain. She is freaking hormonal. She wants to cry. She wants to yell. She wants to cut, damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it all to hell. And there he is.

Meredith (in a harsh voice): And what are _you_ looking at?!

Those words cut through him like a ten blade. He inhales sharply, hurt flooding his features. But he isn't blind. He sees her pain. She slams the labs down at the nurses' station, leaving most of them undelivered and causing several people around her to jump, including Derek and Alex. She quickly turns and walks as fast as her aching feet can carry her. She passes Alex and he instincitvely follows her.

_What an ass! Thinking that he can still look at me like that. Like he cares. He shouldn't care. Trying to be McDreamy when I know that he can't be MY McDreamy. Not really. He deserves better. He deserves better than me_.

So, he is an ass. He is an ass because believing that allows Meredith to seperate herself from him. It allows her to live in her land of avoidance, where she reigns as queen. He is an ass. He is an ass because as much as she wants to hate him, to hate him because it would make the distance so much easier, as much as she wants to hate him, she can't. She can't hate him. She can't hate him because she loves him so damn much. That all consuming love that is supposed to only be reserved for religious people. Except it wasn't. Because that is the way that Meredith feels about Derek.

Except right now she is running away from him. She is running away from the one man that can save her. The one man that can make all of her pain go away with a single touch, a single word, a single look. She is running away from him. She is running away from the one man that can save her because she doesn't think that she deserves to be saved. She runs into a conferance room and tries to slam the door behind her, but is surprised when she hears a yell a pain. She knows that it isn't him. She knows, because she would know without having to look. She knows him that well. She turns around and finds herself face to face with Alex Karev. She swallows. Well, it looks like there was one person who wasn't going to let her get away with avoiding for any longer.

Alex: Hey, Grey.

Meredith: Alex.

Meredith chews nervously on her bottom lip, not knowing what to expect. His face doesn't give away his emotions, so she is completely shocked when she feels him wrap his arms around her shoulders and envelop her in a bear hug. She sighs in relief as she reciprocates. Looking over his shoulder she sees Derek staring at her through the window of the conferance room. She winces in pain as Alex hugs her a little too tight and she notices Derek make a move to enter the room.

Alex: How have you been?

Meredith (sighing): How do you think I've been?

Alex: That bad huh?

Meredith: You could say that.

Derek enters the conferance room and Alex looks between the two. He sees that Meredith is begging him to stay and Derek is ordering him to leave. Both pairs of eyes shoot to Meredith as her stomach grumbles loudly.

Alex(laughing): Hungry?

Meredith: I'm fine.

Derek: What have you eaten today, Meredith?

Meredith looks at him sharply.

Meredith: That is none of your business, Dr. Shepherd.

Her words sting him, but he decides to continue.

Derek: I think it is.

Meredith glares at him. The dull aching pain in her back and feet becomes more intense and she can't suppress the groan. He moves towards her.

Derek: Are you okay?

Meredith (snapping): I'm fine.

Derek: You don't look fine.

Meredith: Geeze, thanks. You try carrying around two tiny people in your uterus and let's see how you feel.

Alex: Two?? You are having twins?

Meredith just nods as she plops down in a nearby chair, heaving a sigh of relief.

Alex makes a move to touch her stomach.

Meredith: I swear to God, Alex, if you touch my stomach I will stab you in the eye with a scalpel.

Alex just smirks.

Alex: Touchy are we?

Meredith: You try having everyone and their dog thinking they have a right to touch your body whenever they want and let's see hwo you feel.

Alex: I don't think I would mind it much. Actually, I think I would enjoy it.

Meredith: Right.

Derek's voice finally cuts through the banter.

Derek: Meredith, is there anything you need?

Alex looks between the two.

Alex: Holy shit!

He looks at Meredith.

Alex: You're having McDreamy's McTwins!

Meredith looks at him in disbelief.

Meredith: You think I'm a whore or something Alex?!

Alex just shrugs, which pisses both Meredith and Derek off.

Meredith: Seriously?!

Alex: Well, you just disappeared, leaving only a few words behind. I don't really know what to think..

Meredith: Right...I can't do this right now...I have labs to deliver...

Meredith goes to stand up but the pain in her back causes her to fall back down in the chair. Derek is immediately at her side.

Derek: Are you sure your okay?

Meredith: I. AM. FINE.

Alex: Do you need anything, Grey?

Alex repeats the same question that Derek asked earlier, only this time Meredith chooses to answer. She doesn't mind accepting help from Alex. He is like her counterpart. Her brother. Nothing more, nothing less. He is family.

Meredith: Well...I am really craving peanut butter and oreos...

Alex: Peanut butter and oreos?

Meredith: Yeah. Peter Pan creamy peanut butter and double stuff oreos.

Alex chuckles.

Alex: Right. Well, I will see what I can do.

Meredith sighs as she lays her head down on the table.

Meredith: Alex?

Alex: Yeah?

Meredith: Could you get the Chief for me?

Alex: Sure.

Meredith: Thanks.

Alex: No problem.

Alex walks out of the conferance room, leaving Meredith and Derek alone. Derek sighs and runs his hand through his hair as he begins to pace the room. He is clearly frustrated. Meredith's head is placed firmly on the table.

Pain. Throbbing. Pain. Stab. Ache. The aching has never been this bad before. And there he is, trying to be all McDreamy and perfect. Why does he have to make it so hard to hate him? Why can't he just leave her be? Why? Pain. More pain. Physical pain mixed with emotional pain. Torture. Emotional torture.

_He is an ass._

A mantra that she needs to keep repeating to herself. A mantra that she believes is protecting him. A mantra that she knows isn't entirely true. He may be an ass, but he is her ass. God, she loves him. She loves him so much that she believes that she is sacrificing her own happiness for him. Poison. Disease. Tainted. That is what she is. Tainted. Horrible. She is a horrible person. Horrible. She deserves to be on the express train that links directly to Hell. Go directly to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

His voice interrupts her train of thought. Her train of thought that has moved from the conferance room to the fiery pits of hell, which seem appealing once his voice pulls her back to reality. Reality. Her reality. In this conference. With Derek. With Derek. The love of her life. The father of her unborn children. Derek. Reality. Fairytales. Dreams. Dreams with Derek. Fairytales where he is her knight in shining whatever. No. Not those. Those don't exist. Dreams don't happen while one if awake. Fairytales. She was stupid enough to believe in fairytales once. To hope. To dream. To believe. Reality. Well, frankly, reality sucks.

Derek: Meredith?

Meredith lazily lifts her head, green eyes clashing with blue.

Derek: We need to talk.

Before either can say another word there is a knock on the door and the Chief of Surgery enters. He looks at Derek and then his gaze falls on Meredith.

Chief: What's wrong? Karev said you asked for me..

Meredith: I...I need...I need a couple more days...this...this...is too much right now...if that is okay...

The Chief nods.

Chief: Of course that is okay.

Meredith: Thanks.

Chief: I want you to go see Addison before you leave.

Meredith just nods.

Chief: Are you sure your okay?

Meredith: I'm fine. Just achey.

Chief: Achey?

Meredith: Yeah. My feet and back are killing me.

Derek sighs loudly.

Derek: So, you tell him but you won't tell me?

Meredith whips her eyes to him, shooting daggers at him.

Meredith: He is my fake father!

Derek: And what am I to you?


	11. Chapter 11

_And what am I to you?_

Meredith opens her mouth, only to close it again. She doesn't really know how to respond. She knows what he is to her. He is her world, her other half, the love of her life. She knows what he is, but should she tell him that? Telling him that would be just like giving him an invitation into her life. An invitation which she is not ready to extend, which she doesn't know if she will ever be ready to extend. He deserves better. He deserves so much better than her. So, she should lie, right? She should lie and make it easier. Make it easier for him to hate her, because she can take him hating her, so she thinks, she can take him hating her but she can't watch him hurt, watch him suffer, because she is in his life. She is poison. Poison. Poison.

Derek watches her, afraid of her answer. He can see the pain and the sorrow on her face. He knows that he loves her. He knows that she loves him. He just...he doesn't know. He feels as if his whole world rests on the answer to his question. With one word, one sentence, Meredith can turn his world upside down. Hell, she already has. He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair, trying to remember to breathe, trying to calm his nerves. Trying. Trying. Trying but failing. Failing. Failing. Failing. That is what he is. A failure. He can't make a marriage work. He chases the one woman he loves most in the world away. He hasn't been there for her. Failure. Failure. Failure. Derek Michael Shepherd is a failure.

Derek leans forward and places his palms flat on the conferance room table and looks Meredith directly in the eyes. It is almost as if he is bracing himself for her answer.

Derek (in an almost pleading voice): And what am I to you?

Meredith inhales deeply. Here it goes. Once she says it she can't take it back. She turns her gaze as icy as possible, knowing that her eyes usually betray her. He knows her so well, she needs to make it believable.

Meredith (in a cold voice): You are my sperm donor.

She knew the words were cruel. She knew that they would hurt him. She knew. She knew. She knew. But she thought it would be better to hurt him now and allow him to move on, then to continue hurting them for however long they were together. Forever? Well, she doesn't believe in forever in anymore. No one stays for forever. Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves her. Everyone leaves her eventually. That is just the way it is. It is the way it has always been and that is the way it will always be. She is the common factor. She is the common factor in the leaving, in the running, in the abandoning. People didn't just run. No. They ran from _her_. Meredith Grey.

Stab. Slice. Jab. Pain. Hurt. Anger. Hurt. Why? Why did she have to say that to him? Like he was nothing more to her than some lay? Stab. Sperm donor. Stab. No emotional connection. Stab. Does this mean she doesn't want me in their lives? But...if that is the case then why did she come back? Why does it have to hurt this much? It hurts to breathe. God, does it hurt to breathe. Her words. Her words cut through him like a rusty knife. A rusty butter knife. A rusty butter knife that slowly does its work. Only her words, her words cut through him quickly. So, maybe it was more like spreading salt in his gaping wounds. The pain. The pain isn't stopping. It is there, throbbing nonstop. The intensity, well, it hasn't decreased. It hasn't decreased because her words keep replaying over and over in his head. Over and over. Sperm donor. Sperm donor. Sperm donor. Sperm. Donor.

Derek Shepherd, sperm donor. It's not like he jacked off into a cup. Damn it! He made love to her. Love. He loves her. They made love. Their children, their unborn children, were conceived in love and she is trying to deny it. Anger. Anger. Anger. Anger begins to swell up in his chest. She is trying to reduce their relationship to nothing more than meaningless sex. Meaningless. Sex. Meaningless. There is no way in hell that it could ever be meaningless with her. No way in hell. There is no way in hell because she was, she is his everything. Anger. Boiling, growing, raging anger. He finally finds his voice.

Derek (in a low tone): Was that really all I was to you? Some meaningless fuck?

He slams his hand down on the table, causing her to jump.

Derek: Damn it. Meredith! I love you! I. LOVE. YOU! Why can't you see that? Why do you keep doing this to us, to me??

A sob escapes from Meredith as she cups her hand over her mouth. He looks at her and straightens up. He knows that she is in pain, but doesn't she see that it is unnecessary? Doesn't she see how much he loves her. He loves her. He needs her. Why can't she just let him? Why does she have to keep pushing him away?

Meredith (sobbing): I...I...

Meredith's pager goes off. It's Addison.

Meredith straightens up in her chair and looks at Derek, her eyes once again becoming icy.

Meredith: It's Addison. I have to go.

Derek sighs. She is avoiding again. It is what she does best. Avoid. Run. She knows that she is avoiding. Right now she is more than happy to avoid. This is not a conversation that she is ready for. She just needs...she just needs a little more time. That's all. She needs to build up the strength to tell him why she can't be with him. She needs to build up the strength to tell him why she can't be with him because he deserves to know. He deserves to know that he deserves better. He deserves to know that she is poison. That she is tainted. That she is not good enough for him. He deserves to know. He deserves to know so that he can move on. She knows that she will never be able to, but he deserves someone better. He deserves to move on. She deserves to be alone. All alone. Meredith. It's what she deserves.

Meredith stands up and walks towards the door. Derek follows her. She turns to look at him.

Derek: I am coming with you. Even if all I am to you is some sperm donor, you are carrying our children and I am not missing anything else.

Meredith just nods, not bothing to deny him this. He deserves it. Their children deserve it. She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve it, but she can't help but feel relieved. Relieved that he wants to be there. Relieved that although she deserves to do this alone, she doesn't have to. Relieved. Relieved. Relieved. Derek Shepherd is her relief. He is the only one that can ease her pain, her discomfort, her sorrows. He is the only one who can take away her loneliness. He is the only one. She doesn't deserve him. She doesn't deserve him. She doesn't deserve him, but she is sure as hell glad that she has him. She has him for right now. She still has him, but she doesn't know for how much longer she will have him.

Eventually he will realize that he deserves more. Eventually he will walk away. He will leave her. Eventually. He will leave her all alone and broken. Eventually. Eventually. Eventually because that is what everyone else in her life has done and she can't. She can't. She can't. She can't let that happen. He can't leave her if he isn't with her. He can't. He can't. He can't. That is her reasoning. Faulty, crappy reasoning, but reasoning nonetheless.

Meredith sighs as she walks out of the conferance room, her back and feet aching just a little less, with Derek coming up from behind her to walk next to her. She is in denial of her true feelings and he is in pain, but at least they are together. Not alone. But together. Not seperate. But together.

**Meredith...yeah...she was cruel...I have to say that it will be a long time before either of them are happy and before they are together...and Meredith actually gets worse...thank you guys for all of your reviews...**

**-Marci**


	12. Chapter 12

Hurt. Anger. Pain. Stab. Pain. Stab. Hurt. Words. Swords. Daggers. Pain. These are the emotions that are running through Derek Shepherd head as he walks with Meredith down the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital.

_You are my sperm donor._

Sperm. Donor. Nothing more. Nothing less. Although Derek knows this isn't true, it still hurts. The words still echo in his ears as their meaning rip another gaping hole in his almost shredded heart. He knows that she doesn't mean them. He knows. He can tell when she is lying, so he knows. He knows but it still hurts like hell. Why is she trying to hurt him so badly? Why? Does she not realize how much he loves her? How much he needs her? How can she not see that? A blind person could see it. It oozes from his pores and radiates from his skin. This thing he has for her, yeah, it's that intense.

He runs his hand through his hair as he sighs, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. She looks so broken. She looks so broken yet so beautiful. Pregnancy has really transformed her into this ethereal being. She was amazing before, but now she is simply heavenly. His own angel. His own angel who is currently tormenting him. Tormenting him by refusing to be with him, by refusing to acknowledge him, by refusing him.

Torture. Torment. Tantalizing. Too much. Too little. Too late. Too soon. So many oxymorons, so many conflicting emotions, so much. So much. So much yet not enough. He feels all of these things, these painful things, but it's not enough. He wants to feel [iher[/i. He needs to feel her. He wants to feel the tight skin of her stomach as their unborn children move. He wants to feel those movements. He wants to be there for her. He needs to be there for her. He loves her. He loves her. He loves her so much. He loves her so much it hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much. It hurts so much but he loves her. It hurts. The pain. The pain is intense and barely bearable. Barely bearable. The pain. Intense. But he would rather have that pain, that intense barely bearable pain, than not have her. He would rather have that pain than be painless and Meredithless, because being Meredithless would mean being lifeless. Lifeless. Lifeless. Without Meredith he is lifeless. Life isn't worth living and he can't live. He doesn't have the energy, the motivation, the love that is necessary to make it through the day. Meredith. Meredith. Meredith makes it all worthwhile. Once he met her it was over. She became more than Meredith. She became, well, she became his everything.

Meredith. Meredith. Meredith. His Meredith. His Meredith. His Meredith no more. Or is she? He doesn't know. He wants her to be his. He needs her to be his, but is she his? Does she still love him? If she loves him then why is she hurting him so damn much? Why? Why? Why? He just wants to know why. He needs to know why. He deserves to know why. Meredith. His prayer, his dream, his fairytale, his life. Meredith. His everything, his love, his soul mate. Meredith. Meredith. Meredith Grey. Meredith Grey who he hopes one day to make Meredith Shepherd. Meredith Shepherd. That sounds so right. So right. So right. He can hope. He hopes. He hopes. He hopes that she lets him in. He needs in. Please, let him in.

Derek is shaken from his reverie as a voice calls out from behind them. He turns around to see Alex Karen running towards them, peanut butter and oreos in hand. He notes the smile that immediately spreads across Meredith's face. He watches the way her tongue thoughtlessly moistens her lips as they anticipate their sweet treat. He watches her. He watches as Alex approaches. He watches.

Alex (breathless): Here you go Grey. Your...peanut butter and...oreos...

Instead of simply taking the items out of Alex's hands, she envelops him in a hug, taking everyone by surprise, including herself.

Meredith: Thank you, Alex.

Alex smirks at her as he places his hand on her stomach. Alex Karev places his hand on her stomach and Derek can't help the dropping feeling that takes place in his own abdomen. He is touching her. His hand is placed over their children. Alex's hand is placed over Derek and Meredith's unborn children and all Derek can do is watch. He watches. He watches but he can't touch. He wants to touch. He really wants to touch. He needs to touch. But he can't. He can't. he can't. He can't touch so he simply watches.

He watches as Meredith opens the peanut butter and oreos. He watches as she dips the oreo in the peanut butter. He watches the look of ecstacy cross her face, a look he has seen before.

Meredith: MMmmmMm...thank you so much, Alex. We were hungry.

Alex chuckles.

Alex: No problem, Grey. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call.

Meredith smiles warmly at Alex.

Meredith: Thank you.

Alex turns to walk away but stops in his tracks.

Alex: Hey, are you coming back to the house.

Meredith: I don't think so. I mean, Izzie is still angry and I think I need to find my own place for me and the twins.

Alex nods in understanding.

Alex: So, where are you staying then?

Meredith bites on her bottom lip as she glances at Derek out of the corner of her eye. She knows that if he knows where she is staying he will be there.

Meredith: I'm staying at a hotel.

Derek: What?

He is shocked by the sound of his own voice. He doesn't know why he chose now to speak, but the word is out there. That one, singular question word. Asking so much in a single syllable. It pains him. It pains him so much that she doesn't want him to know where she is staying. Where she is staying while she is pregnant. Pregnant with their children. Why doesn't she want him to know? Why is she staying in a hotel? What if something happens? She is all alone. She shouldn't be alone. She doesn't deserve to be alone. She shouldn't be alone. She should be with him. He wants to be with her. He wants to be with her so badly.

Meredith: We should go. I've already kept Addison waiting long enough.

Avoiding. That is what she does. Avoids. And now she is avoiding his question. She is avoiding his question by hurrying off to her appointment. Avoiding. But he won't let her avoid for long. He plans on asking her the question again, only this time he fully intends to get an answer.

He nods at her and they make their way to Addison's office together for Meredith's first appointment in Seattle. His first appointment with her. He looks at Meredith and sighs inwardly as she knocks on the door. It's not supposed to be this way. It's not supposed to hurt this much. They are supposed to be together. They are supposed to be a family. How can they be a family if she refuses to let him in? She deserves a family and he wants to be her family. He needs to be her family. He hurts. He hurts so much, but the thought that he is about to see his children for the first time brings a small smile to his face. The first smile that has graced his features in such a long time. Maybe things will get better. He hopes things will get better. He needs things to get better. Things have to get better.


	13. Chapter 13

Meredith knocks on the door to Addison's office.

Addison: Come in!

Meredith turns the knob and walks into her office, Derek trailing right behind her. Addison smiles warmly at Meredith.

Addison: Hello, Meredith, Derek.

Addison nods at each of them as she speaks their names. She looks at the file sitting on her desk before looking back up at the pair.

Addison: Your file says that thus far you haven't had any major problems.

Meredith: That's right.

Derek reaches across the desk.

Derek: May I?

Addison looks at Meredith who nods. Derek takes the file from Addison's desk. He gasps when he opens the file and is immediately met by a sonagram. A black and grey picture of his children. His children. Their children. Wow. Amazing. His. Hers. Theirs. Just...wow. He runs his finger over the grainy image, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He can't believe he missed this. He can't believe that he wasn't there for this. He should have been there. He would have been there if he had known. He wanted to be there. He wanted to be there even though at the time he didn't know that there was a place he should be. But he still wanted to be there. Damn it. He should have been there. Well, he would always be there from now on. Meredith and her stubborness won't be able to stop him.

Derek (in an awestruck voice): Wow.

Meredith turns her head and sees what Derek is looking at. She feels as if her heart has stopped. He is reacting just the way she knew he would. So damn perfect. He is perfect and she...well she is far from perfect. Why does he have to be so dreamy? Damn him. Damn him. Damn him and his dreaminess. He deserves to be with someone equally dreamy, equally perfect. Not her, with all of her damage. She is damaged goods. He deserves better. Tainted. Poison. Not enough.

Addison's voice pierces her thoughts.

Addison: So, are you having any problems now?

Meredith bites on her bottom lip as she glances at Derek before looking at Addison.

Meredith: I feel like an elephant already. Already, and I'm only five months. My ankles and back is already starting to ache pretty badly and the smell of bananas makes me sick. Other than that, there aren't any problems.

Addison smiles at Meredith.

Addison: Unfortunately, there isn't anything I can do for you. For the achiness, the best solution is to try to rest as much as possible and if it gets really bad, get a massage.

Addison stands up behind her desk.

Addison: Now, let's go do a quick exam and ultrasound. Maybe if they are cooperative we can find out the sexes.

Meredith nods as Derek stands up and hands the file back to Addison. Meredith struggles to get to her feet. Derek reaches out to try and help her, but Meredith swats him away.

Meredith (in a hissing voice): I'm fine. I got it.

Derek(in a somewhat harsh voice): Of course you do.

He is hurt. She won't let him help her, at all. Nothing. Nothing at all. He wants to help her. He wants her to want him to help her. Why won't she let him help her? Can't she see how much he wants to help her? How much he needs to help her? She is so damn stubborn.

He watches her as she struggles to her feet, the achiness of her back only intensifying the struggle. She knows that she is being harsh and mean, but she can't help it. Okay, she can, but she is afraid. She is so afraid. She is afraid to let him in even a little, because it is impossible to let Derek Shepherd in just a little. Not when the person doing the letting in just happens to be Meredith Grey. So, what does she do? She shuts him out completely. She shuts him out completely because there is no just a little bit with Derek Shepherd. With _her_ McDreamy. He already has her whole heart, and it will only take one little inch, maybe not even an inch, one little centimeter and he is back in completely. She can't do that to him. Not again. Not to him. Not again. She can't hurt him. She can't hurt him again. Not again. Not him. She can't. She won't. She can't.

She follows Addison out of the office, Derek right behind her as they head to her first doctor's appointment at Seattle Grace. Her first doctor's appointment with Addison Montgomery, formerly Montgomery-Shepherd. Her first doctor's appointment with Derek Shepherd with her, the father of her children and the ex-husband of her doctor. Why does she get herself into these situations. Her babies' father's ex-wife is about to get up close and personal with her vagina. Seriously. Karma sucks. Karma can kiss her ass because karma, karma is a freaking bitch.

**Sorry this took a while to post...I will try to post the next part tomorrow...**

**-marci**


	14. Chapter 14

Derek sighs, clearly frustrated, as he runs his hand through his hair while he follows Meredith out of Addison's office. He just...he doesn't know what else to do. He just...damn it...he is just so damn frustrated. She is so frustrating. She is so frustrating and he doesn't want to push her. He doesn't want to push her because he knows. He knows that she doesn't need the extra stress. Not right now. Not when she is carrying their children. She doesn't need it. She doesn't need the extra stress so he is trying his hardest to keep his frustrations to himself. But sometimes, sometimes it is too hard. Too hard to keep in. It is sometimes to hard to keep in because it is too much. Too much from having too little. Too little of her. Too little of his children. He wants them all. He wants them to be his, to be with him, to be with him and only him. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. What can he do? What can he do but sit around and wait for her to pull her head out of her ass and realize that he loves her. He loves her and her being like this, her being like this isn't going to change that. Nothing can change the fact that he loves her. Nothing. No one. Nothing.

He walks into the exam room behind Meredith and immediately begins to feel the butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. He is about to see his children. He is about to see his children on that screen for the first time ever. Sure, he just saw the sonagram picture, but that's not that same thing. Oh my God. He is about to hear their heartbeats. He is about to hear the proof that they are real, that they exist, and that they are living. He is excited and he is scared. Excited and scared about the future. Excited to finally have a family of his own. Scared because he doesn't know if he will have that family, if Meredith will ever come around. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't know and that uncertainty is slowly eating him away.

Meredith can feel his eyes boring into her back. Into her back. Through her back. Through her back and to her heart. He knows her. He knows her so well. He can read her like a book. Like his favorite book that he has memorized. He knows her. He knows her, but still, still she tries to lie to him, to fool him. She tries to convince him that she doesn't need him, that she doesn't love him. She tries. She tries. She tries. She tries to convince him as well as herself. She tries. She tries. She tries and she fails. She fails miserably. Miserably. Miserable. Miserable. She is miserable. Deservedly miserable. Deservedly miserable because she deserves her misery. She deserves tenfold the misery she is feeling because of all the misery she has caused everyone else.

She smiles weakly at Addison as she hands her a hospital gown.

Meredith: Do I really need a pelvic today?

Addison smiles at Meredith and answer her before Derek can say anything.

Addison: As much as I trust that you had a good doctor, I would prefer to do a full exam myself. Plus, it says that it has been a couple of months since your last exam. So, I think a full exam is best at this time.

Meredith just nods as she disappears into the bathroom to put on the flimsy hospital gown. Derek looks helplessly at Addison before he allows his head to fall in his hands. Addison sees his pain and she sighs as she sits down next to him.

Addison: Derek...

Derek (in a hopeless voice): I don't know what to do, Addi. I mean, I love her. I love her so damn much and she just...she won't let me in. I don't...I don't know what to do. I want to be there. I need to be there...I just...I love her. Damn it, I love her.

Addison sighs and places a hand on his arm. He looks up at her and she sees the tears running down his face. She has only ever seen him look like this twice. When Meredith was down after the ferry accident and when she left.

Addison: I don't know what to tell you. I will say this. She must be going through a lot right now and you need to respect that to a certain extent, but don't give her too much space. If you give her too much space you might lose her for forever.

Derek (in a sarcastic voice): Geeze, that helps a lot. Thanks. I can't believe my ex-wife is giving me relationship advice.

He drops his head back down in his hands and groans.

Addison laughs bitterly.

Addison: Ironic, isn't it?

Derek: Karma is a bitch.

Addison: You could say that again.

Derek: Karma is a bitch. A cold heartless bitch who clearly hates me.

Addison rolls her eyes.

Addison: Stop being an ass and stop thinking about yourself so damn much. Concentrate on Meredith and your babies. It may make the pain a bit more bearable.

Derek sighs as he leans back in the chair.

Derek: You're right.

Addison (smugly): Of course I'm right.

Derek: Thanks, Addi.

Addison smiles at her ex-husband, who looks completely miserable.

Addison: No problem. I just want you to be happy.

Derek opens his mouth to answer but is stopped by Meredith's return from the bathroom. Derek chuckles at her attempts to keep the back of the gown closed.

Meredith: Shut up, Derek!

Derek shrugs.

Derek: Well, it's nothing I've never seen before.

Meredith: Well, it's something you will never see again, so wipe that smug ass look off of your face.

The smile immediately fades from his face and he has to bite his tongue to keep from lashing out. He looks at Addison who shoots him a sympathetic gaze. Meredith climbs up onto the exam room table and lies back.

Addison: All right then, let's get this exam started.

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Addison: This gel is going to be cold.

Meredith nods. She knows the procedure. She has felt the coldness of the gel on her abdomen before. She has felt it before but why does this time feel so different? Last time she was all alone and the doctor was an ass. An ass who was actually hitting on her. She has felt the coldness of gel on her abdomen before, but this time, this time it doesn't seem so cold as Addison spreads the gel over Meredith's stomach. Meredith doesn't shiver. She doesn't shiver. She doesn't feel cold. Why doesn't she feel cold? Last time she felt cold. So cold. So alone. Alone. Maybe that's why she doesn't feel cold. Maybe that is why she isn't shivering. She's not alone. As much as she thinks that she deserves to be alone, she's not. She's not alone.

Not alone. As much as she thinks that she deserves to be alone, she's not. Not alone. Finally. Finally not alone. There is a great man sitting next to her. The man that is the father of her unborn children. The man whom she knows will never abandon her, never leave her alone. The man who is the love of her life. The man who loves her. He loves her. He loves [iher[/i. Not someone else. Her. Meredith Grey. He loves Meredith Grey. He loves her. He loves her but Meredith still refuses to see it. She knows, but she ignores it. She ignores it because if she acknowledges it, if she acknowledges his love, then she will have to let him. Letting him leaves her vulnerable. Vulnerabiliy leads to heartache and abandonment. Although she knows that he would never abandon her again, she can't help but wonder. He left her once. He left her when he chose Addison. She can't help but wonder. In her world, all roads lead to alone.

Alone. Meredith Grey. Alone. Again. Meredith. Alone. All alone. The thought alone sends cold chills through her blood stream. Why does she fear being alone so much? Why after all of those years of being alone does she now fear it more than anything else? Why? Because of Derek Shepherd. That's why. He is the first one to show her pure, untainted, undying love. The first. Not her mother, not her father, Dr. Derek Shepherd, Head of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace. Her boss. The father of her children. The love of her life. Derek Shepherd. Derek Shepherd has made her believe in the fairytale, the happily-ever-after, the glass slipper. He has made her believe in soul mates and true love. He has made her believe. He has made her believe for the first time in her life that she is worthy to be loved. He has made her believe that she is worthy. He has made her believe that she is somebody. He has made her believe the opposite of everything her mother ever told her. He believes in [iher[/i and that is more than anyone else has ever done. And it scares her. It scares her shitless. It scares her because that gives him power. It gives him the power to hurt her worse than anyone else. It gives him the power to made her a nobody once again. It gives him that power. It gives him that power and if she refuses to acknowledge it, in her mind, it takes that power away from him.

She wants nothing more than to build a home with that man. To build a real, loving home with him. To build a house on his land for their children, for their life together, as a family. She wants nothing more. She knows that she can never return to her mother's house. Not because of Izzie, not because of Alex, but because of the memories. The memories of her mother and her father fighting endlessly, the memories of her being left alone with the nanny as her mother was spending another night at the hospital, the memories of feeling all alone and unloved. Memories that she refuses to let her children have. She doesn't want them to have the life that she had as a child. She refuses to give them that life. She wants better for them. That is why she must build her own home and create her own memories for their children. A new home with a new foundation for her new family. That is what she wants. That is what she needs.

Meredith and Derek look at the blank screen in anticipation. The images that are about to pop up mean so much to both of them. It is their future. His future. Her future. Hopefully, in his mind, their future together. Derek sits on the edge of his seat, thoughts running continuously through his mind.

He wants them to be together. He needs them to be together. He imagines the future. He imagines Christmas morning, the children running in their room and jumping on their bed, waking them up because they want to see what Santa left for them. He imagines the giggle that escapes from Meredith's mouth and the beautiful smile that graces her face. He imagines sitting under the tree and handing out the presents as their children wait eagerly to tear the wrapping paper off of the gifts. Handing out the presents just like his father used to do when he was a child. He imagines the loving smile that Meredith gives, that is reserved for only him. He imagines their children playing in the yard at the house he built for them on his land. He imagines Meredith walking towards him at their wedding and the love that fills her eyes. He imagines taking Meredith to meet his family and them loving her, just as he does. He imagines the birth of their children that she is now carrying. He imagines going out in the wee hours of the morning to fetch whatever she is craving. He imagines these things as they gradually work towards the present. The present when these imaginings seem almost like impossibilities. Impossibilities which he needs to cling to. Impossibilities that are possible. Impossibilities that he plans on working his hardest to achieve.

Derek sighs as he returns to the present. He looks at Meredith and her stunning beauty causes his breath to catch in his throat. She is amazing. She is so damn amazing. He wants her. He needs her. He loves her. He loves her so damn much.

He scoots futher forward as Addison moves the wand over Meredith's abdomen. Suddenly, the room is filled with the sound of a heartbeat. A single heartbeat. A single heartbeat.

Addison smiles warmly as Derek fills a slight panic.

Addison: It seems that their heartbeats are in sync. It's rare, but we do see that occasionally.

Derek breathes a sigh of relief. They are fine.

Derek (awestruck): Wow.

Derek feels his eyes begin to well as the overwhelming thoughts of his impending parenthood filter through his brain. He, for the first time ever, has just heard the heartbeats of his children. A heartbeat that is there because of him and Meredith. Because of his love for Meredith. Just...wow. He can't even really formulate a coherent sentence. Just. Wow. Wow. Wow. Amazing. Awe inspiring. He has saved hundreds of lives before, but this. This is so much better. This...wow. He watches intently as Addison points out the shapes of his children.

Addison: There they are.

Meredith and Derek (in a hushed whisper): Wow.

Derek looks at her and smiles warmly. Surprisingly, she smiles back. She smiles back and his heart melts a little. She smiles back. She can't pretend to not love him right now. Not when the products of their love is on the screen in front of them. Just. Wow. Wow. They revert their attention back to the screen.

Addison: Well, unfortunately, the way they are lying I am unable to tell the sex. Maybe next time.

Addison smiles at Meredith and Meredith just nods. Addison continues with the rest of the exam and neither Meredith nor Derek are able to remove the smiles that are plastered to their faces. They are riding the high from hearing the heartbeats. From hearing the heartbeats together. Meredith doesn't even flinch of notice the lack of comfort as Addison does the pelvic exam. She can't care. She can't care because she is actually happy. For this moment she is happy. She is happy and she isn't going to let the fact that the woman performing the pelvic is the ex-wife of the father of her children.

Addison: Everything is looking good right now. However, I would like to see you again in two weeks to check your pelvis again. With twins you are more subject to preterm labor, so I want to monitor you closely. We could perform another ultrasound then and hopefully find out the sexes of the twins.

Meredith nods and Derek sits up straight.

Derek: So, she is okay, right?

Addison smiles warmly at Derek's concern.

Addison: She is just fine.

Addison turns her attention to Meredith.

Addison: Just be sure to take it easy. If you need to rest, rest. Don't overdue it.

Addison looks seriously at Meredith and Meredith just nods.

Addison: So, I will see you again in two weeks.

Meredith: Thank you, Addison.

Addison: Your welcome.

Meredith goes into the bathroom to change back into her scrubs.

Derek: Thank you, Addi.

Addison: Your welcome. Take good care of her.

Derek: I'm trying.

Addison: I know.

Addison smiles warmly at Derek before exiting the exam room. Derek waits a few minutes before Meredith comes back out of the bathroom. She looks at him and the cold look returns.

Meredith: You didn't have to wait for me.

Derek: Yes, I did.

Meredith rolls her eyes.

Meredith: Whatever.

Meredith walks past Derek and out of the exam room, leaving him alone. Derek runs his hand through his hair and sighs loudly, hoping that the smile earlier meant something.Wanting the smile earlier to mean something. Needing the smile earlier to mean something. He loves her. he loves her so much. He loves her so damn much.

**Sorry about the wait...life has been hectic...the like of a pre-med major...seriously...anyways...I went ahead and gave you two updates because of the delay in getting this posted...I just haven't had time to be on the computer...hope you enjoyed it...and more will be posted this weekend...**

**-Marci**


	15. Chapter 15

Derek sighs in frustration as he exits the empty exam room. He doesn't get it. It is like she takes a step forward, only to take five steps back. Why is she doing this to him? To herself? To them? Doesn't she see that they could be happy? That they could be together? He wants to be with her. He wants to be with her so much. He wants to be with her so much it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so damn bad. It hurts so damn bad to not be with her. He feels empty. He feels alone. He feels isolated. He feels immeasurable sadness. Empty. Alone. Isolated. Sadness.

It is just...it is just so damn frustrating sometimes. He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand her hesitation. Not hesitation. That's not the right word. Her refusal. Her out right refusal to allow him into her life. He wants to be in her life. He needs to be in her life. He can't. He can't. He can't breathe without her. He can't live without her. He can't. Oh God, he can't. He just...can't.

He runs his hand through his hair as he wanders through the halls of the hospital, hoping to catch a fleeting glance of her before she leaves. Before she leaves to where he doesn't know. He can't. He can't let her leave him again. He just...he can't. He's not strong enough. He's not strong enough to handle it. He's not strong enough to handle her leaving him. Again. Not again. He can't. Oh God, it hurts. He can't. He just...he can't.

He is going to be a father. He is going to be a father to two amazing children. He is going to be a father to two amazing children and their mother is the love of his life. He should be happy. Hell, he should be on freaking cloud 900, but he can't. He can't be on cloud 900. He can't. He can't be there because he would be there alone. He would be there alone because he wouldn't have Meredith there with him. He wouldn't have Meredith there with him and as great as being a father is going to be, as much as he wants that, he wants, no he needs, Meredith. He needs her more. He..he just can't. He can't breathe without her. He can't breathe without her and being a father, being a father to their children, it isn't the same as being a family. Being a family with Meredith and their children.

Maybe it is a selfish and a horrible thing to say. Maybe. Just maybe. But he can't help it. He can't. He needs her. He loves her so much. He loves his children. He does. He already loves his unborn children so much. But it isn't the same. It isn't the same as loving Meredith. Loving Meredith and having her love him back. It just isn't the same. Not the same. It's not the same and that is what he needs. He needs Meredith. He needs her so damn bad it hurts. It hurts like hell.

He just saw his children. He just saw his children for the first time. He just saw his children for the first time so why in the hell does he feel so completely and utterly lost? He feels so lost without her. He feels so completely and utterly lost without her. He just saw his children for the first time on that screen. His tiny and already perfect children. He just saw them. He just saw them and that elation, that complete happiness that he should be feeling, he isn't. He isn't feeling those feelings like he should be feeling them. He feels a hint of them. A tiny hint of what he should be feeling. A tiny hint. A tiny hint because his life, his life without her, without Meredith, is nothing.

Children should make that better. Right? He doesn't get it. He should be happy. Even if he isn't with her, he should be happy that he is going to be a father. He should be. He should be but he can't be. He can't be happy. He can't be happy without her. He can't. He can't. He just can't. He can't be happy being a father without her by his side. He needs her by his side. He needs her. He loves her. He loves her so damn much.

Why can't she see that? Why can't she see how much he loves her? Why can't she see how much he needs her? Why? Why? Oh God, why?

He is so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he doesn't even see the tall figure standing in front of him. He is so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he barely notices it when the tall figure reaches out and grabs his shoulders, effectively stopping him in his tracks. He doesn't even notice. Not until he realizes that his feet are no longer moving and that there are a pair of hands on his shoulders. When he does notice he looks up and meet the sympathetic eyes of the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace.

The Chief's brow wrinkles with concern as he looks at Derek.

Chief: Shepherd, you okay?

Derek looks into the Chief's eyes and he has to struggle to maintain his composure. He cannot fall apart. He cannot fall apart in front of his mentor. He cannot fall apart in the hallway. He cannot fall apart in the hallway of Seattle Grace. He cannot. He cannot. He cannot.

Derek looks into the Chief's eyes. He looks into the Chief's eyes and he can't. He can't. He can't. He can't hold it in anymore. His shoulders start to shake violently as he tries to suppress the sob that threatens to escape from deep within. The Chief notices that his Head of Neurosurgery is falling apart in the hallway of the hospital. The Chief notices this. The Chief notices this and can't help but feel sorry for the man standing in front of him. A man that he sees as a son, who loves the woman that he sees as a daughter.

The Chief sees the beginning of Derek Shepherd's emotional breakdown in the very public hallway of Seattle Grace. The Chief sees the man standing in front of him crumbling, breaking. The Chief sees this. The Chief sees this and his heart aches for his adopted son. He grabs Derek by the elbow and pulls him into the nearest on call room. He grabs Derek by the elbow and pulls him into the nearest on call room so that he doesn't experience his melt down in front of half the hospital. He pulls him into the on call room and he doesn't leave him there alone. He stays. He stays and decides that he is going to be there for Derek. He is going to be there for the closes thing he has ever had to a son. He is going to be there for Derek because he loves him like a son.

As soon as the door is shut, Derek's knees give way and he begins to fall towards the floor. His emotions are too much. His shoulders are too heavy from the weight of his emotions, from the weight of his sorrows, from the weight of not having her. He begins to fall. His cadence. His fall from his state of should be bliss to his own personal hell. A hell that he has teetered on the brink of since she left him five months ago. A hell that has teased him and tempted him, but that he has always found a way of avoiding. A hell that he has up until found a way of avoiding. A hell that opens its arms to accept him. A hell which he no longer has the strength or the will to deny. A hell that he tumbles towards as his knees give way, as his strength fails, as his will power abandons him completely. He tumbles. He falls forward. He falls. He falls forward. He falls down. He falls. He falls. He falls and it feels so good not to fight it any more. It feels so damn good to give in. It feels so good. As he falls it feels so good.

The Chief sees Derek's descent, almost as if it were occuring in slow motion. The Chief sees his son falling and he reaches out. He reaches out and he grabs him. He reaches out and he stops him from falling. He reaches out and he saves him. He saves him from falling to the ground. He saves him from falling into his own personal hell. He saves him by wrapping his strong arms around Derek's now trembling frame. He saves him. He saves him by letting him know that he isn't completely alone. That he doesn't need to stand on his own. He saves him by letting him know that he is there. He is there to catch him if he falls. He is there. He is there for him. He is his father and he is there for him. He saves him. He saves him from cadence. He saves him from emotional death. He saves him. He saves him.

He saves him but he can't stop his pain. He can't stop the pain that is tearing Derek apart. He can't stop the pain. He can't ease the pain. He can't. Only Meredith can. Only Meredith can be the balm that heals Derek's gaping wounds. Derek's gaping wounds caused by her. Caused by her absence. Only Meredith can fully save him. Only Meredith can make him Derek again. Only Meredith can make him want to be Derek again. Meredith. Only Meredith.

The Chief knows this as he hears the first heart wrenching sob escape from Derek's throat. A sob that threatens to rip the Chief's own heart out of his chest. A sob that causes the Chief to feel his son's pain. That causes the Chief to want to take away his son's pain, if only to feel it himself. A sob that seems to find its source deep within Derek's stomach.

The Chief lowers Derek gently to the ground as he sits next to him on the floor. Derek places his palms flat on the ground and doubles over, expressing the intense physical pain that his emotional pain is causing. The Chief has stopped his fall. The Chief has stopped his fall for now. But Derek. Derek remains in a Purgatory. He doesn't know where he stands. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. With Addison. When he found Addison with Mark. Even when he lost his best friend and his wife in the same moment. Even then the pain wasn't this bad. It was a pain, followed by a numbness, followed by Meredith. But this pain, this crazy intense pain, there is no relief is sight.

The tears. The tears begin to flow. The tears begin to flow freely. The tears begin to flow freely from his eyes as his chest begins to heave violently with sobs. He reaches up and grabs his chest. It hurts. It hurts so damn bad. So. Damn. Bad. It hurts. Damn does it hurt. The Chief places his hand on Derek's back, trying to sooth him anyway he can. Trying, but failing. Failing miserably. Failing because Derek doesn't even notice the hand on his back. It hurts. It hurts too damn bad for him to notice the hand. Too damn bad. It hurts. Oh God, it hurts.

Derek's breathing becomes labored as he fights to control his breathing. He fights to control his breathing. His breathing. His breathing that has become harder and harder to regulate since she left him. She is his oxygen. She is his breath of fresh air. She is his everything. And it hurts. It hurts so damn bad.

Derek: I...I...can't...I...god...I...love her...and...she...I...can't...it just...

The Chief squeezes Derek's shoulder tightly.

Chief: I know, Shep, I know.

The Chief watches the broken man in front of him. He watches the broken man in front of him and he hopes, he hopes that things work out for them. He hopes that things work out for them because both him and Meredith deserve happiness. They deserve happiness and they deserve to find that happiness with each other. If they can't make it, if Meredith and Derek, who love each other more than anything, if they can't make it, then there is no hope for anyone. So, they have to make it. They have to, because if they can't, no one can.

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Meredith brushes past Derek on her way out of the exam room. She can't do this. She just can't. She can't face him. She saw the hope in his eyes. She saw that hope. She saw that hope when she smiled at him. She was weak. For that moment when she smiled she was weak. She couldn't help it. Everything felt so right. Everything felt so right in that moment when she looked at him that she couldn't help but smile.

She loves him. She does love him. She does. She just. She can't. She can't hurt him. She can't poison him. He deserves better. Their children. That was their children on the screen. Their children. Derek's. Hers. Theirs. She can see that she is hurting him. She sees that. She sees that but she still thinks that he is better off without her. He is great. He is amazing. He is perfect. He is perfect and he deserves someone who is going to make him happy. Not her. She will never be able to give him the happiness that she knows that he deserves. She is tainted. She is poison. And he is perfect.

Meredith walks down the hallways of Seattle Grace, trying to get away, but having no idea where she is running to, or exactly what she is running from. She just knows that she has to move. She has to get away. She has to get away from that exam room. She has to get away from that screen. That screen that taunts her with her possible failure. She is terrified. She is terrified of failing her children the way her mother failed her.

Failure. Failing. Failed. She is a failure. Her mother failed her. Her mother failed her and now she is failing already as a mother. Failure. Failing. Failed. That is her life. That is her future. Her children deserve better. Derek deserves better. Oh God, those were their children on the screen. Those tiny, grainy images were their children. It is so surreal. She can feel them move around, a sensation that feels like she has bubbles floating in her abdomen, but still. She just saw them. She jsut saw her children and Derek was at her side. She wasn't alone. She wasn't alone. She wasn't alone and it felt nice.

Oh God. What is she doing? What the hell is she doing? She is alone right now. Right now as she is walking through the halls of Seattle Grace on the receiving end of numerous stares, she is alone. She is alone. She is alone and it is all her fault. She really doesn't deserve him. She doesn't. Deserve. Him. She doesn't.

How is she going to do this? How is she going to raise two children? How is she going to do this alone? Sure, Derek will be there, but he won't be there all the time. He won't. He can't. He won't. She is the one who is going to have to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She is. Not him. He will probably be at his trailer while she is, well, she doesn't exactly know where she will be.

She can't do this. She can't. What in the hell was she thinking? Oh yeah, she was thinking that she could never destroy something that they created together. Something that was created because of their love for each other. She was thinking that having Derek's baby would give her a piece of him to have forever because she doesn't deserve to have the real thing.

She can't. She can't. Walking down the halls of Seattle Grace she can't. She can't. She can't breathe. She grabs her chest, hoping to steady her breathing. She can't. She can't. She can't breathe. She stops and leans against the wall. In. Out. In. Out. She is trying. She is trying so damn hard. She is trying so damn hard to regulate her breathing. So damn hard. She is trying. She is trying. She is trying but she can't. She can't. She can't.

She feels herself sliding slowly down the wall, but she can't stop herself. She can't stop herself from falling. Falling. Falling. Falling. She falls. She falls. She falls until she feels a pair of strong hands grab her arms. She feels a pair of strong hands grab her arms and they stop her from falling. They stop her from falling but they can't stop the sob that escapes from deep within her chest. It is a heartwrenching sob. It is a heartwrenching sob that cuases those who are passing in the hallway to stop in their tracks and look for the source of the sound of complete despair that has reached their ears.

They stop to look, but the man attached to the strong hands refuses to let her be made a spectacle of. He refuses. He refuses so he lifts her to her feet and directs her to a nearby on call room. He directs her before the source of that sound is determined. As soon as the door closes behind them, Meredith crumbles to the floor, gasping for air. The man bends down and begins to rub her back.

Meredith (gasping): I...I...can't...I...can't...breathe...I...can't...Alex...I...can't...

Alex continues to rub her back as he attempts to sooth her.

Alex: Shhh...it's okay...deep breaths, Meredith...deep breaths...

Meredith's body begins to shake as sobs wrack her body. She can't do this. She can't. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so damn much. She can't. Oh God, she can't. She wants him. She needs him. She needs him but she can't. She can't. She just can't.

She is on her hands and knees on the floor, rocking back and forth as she tries desperately to regain control of her breathing. She can't breathe. She can't breathe without him. When did that happen? When did he become a necessity for her normal life functions? Have they always been this interwoven? Oh God, why can't she breathe?

Alex: Mer, if you don't regulate your breathing soon I will page Addison. This isn't good for the babies.

Meredith: I know...I...I...can't...I...know...I can't...

Meredith reaches out and grabs desperately at Alex's hand as she tries. She tries. She tries to regulate her breathing, but she can't. She can't. She can't. She is trying. She is trying but she can't.

Alex: I'm paging Addison.

Meredith: No...just...give...one minute...

Alex: I've given you five. I'm paging Addison.

Meredith just nods. She knows that she needs to regulate her breathing. She knows that her blood pressure must be spiked right now. She knows. She knows but there isn't anything she can do. She is trying. She is trying and she is failing. Failing. Failing. Failing.

Addison arrives minutes after Alex's page. She looks down at the pair on the floor before crouching down in her pencil skirt.

Addison: Meredith, look at me.

Meredith looks at Addison and Addison immediately feels for the young woman.

Addison: I need you to try and breathe. If you can't regulate your breathing we will have to put you on oxygen or sedate you.

Meredith: I'm...I'm...trying...trying...can't...

Addison nods before standing up and walking out of the room. Alex is about to yell after her when he hears her should a command.

Addison: I need a gurney over here.

Meredith: S...s...sorry...

Alex: Don't be sorry, Mer. You tried.

Meredith nods.

It is only moments before Addison returns to the room. She looks at Alex.

Addison: Can you lift her onto the gurney?

Alex nods before standing up and then bending down to lift a sobbing, gasping Meredith off of the on call room floor. Meredith immediately wraps her arms around Alex's neck as she buries her head into his chest and contiues to sob. He walks out of the on call room and places her on the gurney. Addison looks at him.

Addison: Page Derek. He will want to know.

Alex; But I don't think...

Addison: Just do it, Alex.

Alex nods and walks away as Addison walks next to the gurney being pushed by a male nurse. She looks down at the young woman.

Addison: It will be okay, Meredith. Everything will be okay.

Meredith just nods through her sobs. She still can't breathe. She can't. She just can't. She can't breathe without Derek Shepherd. She needs him. She needs him just as much as he needs her. If only she could see it. If only she would admit it. But Meredith avoids the truth. She avoids. She avoids until she can avoid no longer. As Meredith lies there all alone watching Addison place the oxygen mask on her face, she wishes he was there with her. She wishes that she wasn't alone. She wishes that just for this moment, Derek Shepherd was by her side holding her hand. She wishes. She wishes. She wishes.

**Once again...I am sorry that this has taken so long...school is kicking my ass...seriously...and these were originally two seperate updates...but since I am not updating here as often as I used to, I posted them both...and they are both happening at the same time..so yeah..**

**-Marci**


	16. Chapter 16

Derek lies in a pile on the floor for what seems like hours, but in reality is only a matter of minutes. The tears continue to flow until it seems that there are no more tears left to cry. He loves her. He loves her so much. He loves her so much that her words physically hurt him. Her absence physicall hurts him. Her refusal to be with him physically hurts him. He needs something. He needs something from her. He needs something from her to give him hope. Hope. He needs hope. Hope that they will have a future. Hope that they will be together. Hope. Hope that she will once again lie in his arms at night. Hope that he will once again wake up to the scent of her hair as he nuzzles his whiskered face into her neck and she giggles. Her giggle. He loves that intoxicating sound that is her giggle. Hope. He needs hope.

He finally opens his eyes and pushes his torso off of the cold, hard floor. He leans back against the wall and brings his knees up to his chest. It still hurts. It never stops hurting. He needs it to stop hurting. He needs it to stop hurting because she is with him. He needs her. He needs her to be with him. She is his everything. Without her he is nothing. He doesn't want to be anything. He needs her. He needs her so damn much. Oh God, he needs her.

He lifts his eyes from the ground, tears blurring his vision, and he meets the kind eyes of the Chief. He feels himself starting to lose it again. Why the hell can't he control his own emotions? Why must he continue to break? Why? Why? Why? He clamps his hand down over his mouth as he tries desperately to stifle a sob that is threatening to escape from deep within his chest.

Derek (in a strained voice): Why does it have to hurt so damn much?

The Chief leans forward and places a caring hand on his shoulder. He sighs before he answers.

Chief: If it didn't hurt, then you wouldn't love her like you do.

These wise words from the Chief send him over the edge once again. He pulls his legs further into his body, almost as if he pulls them in far enough he will curl up into himself and disappear. It hurts. It hurts so damn bad. His sobs wrack his body, making his strong shoulders shake under their intense strength. He can't. He can't. He can't hold himself together. He can't hold himself together because such a large part of him is missing. Such a large part of him is missing when he isn't with Meredith. He loves her. He loves her so much. Oh God, he loves her.

He nearly jumps out of his skin when the sound of his pager cuts through the almost silent air. It taunts him. It taunts him even before he looks at it. It is shrill and taunting and he wants nothing more than to throw it against the wall. He wants nothing more than to throw that beeping piece of annoying plastic against the wall as it reminds him of his meaningless existence. Meaningless because he doesn't have Meredith. Not really. At least she is here. At lease he knows where she is. At least she is here and she is carrying their children. At least that is something. Something. But not enough. Not enough. It should be enough. But it's not. It's not enough. Having Meredith alone would be enough, but without her. Without her everything is not enough. Everything is nothing without her. He needs her. He needs her so damn bad.

He sighs and leans his head back against the wall for a moment, relishing in the coolness of the wall. He lifts his head back up from the wall and runs his hand through his hair before reaching down and unclipping his pager from his waistband. He glances at the screen before jumping to his feet. The Chief immediately senses that something is wrong.

Chief: What is it?

Derek runs his hand quickly over his face, trying to wipe away the remnants of the tears that have fallen, not really caring if he gets them all or not. He doesn't care if people see him like this. He doesn't care. His heart feels as if it has stopped beating and his breath is hitched in his throat as he swallows and tries to formulate words. She has to be okay. She has to be okay. She has to be okay. She's fine. Of course she's fine. She's Meredith. She's fine. The twins are fine. Everything is fine. It is just a scare. Just a scare. Nothing more. She's okay. She's fine. Everything is fine. Everything is okay. It has to be okay. It has to. It has to be okay. It can't not be okay. It can't. It can't. It can't. Oh God, he won't make it is something is wrong. He can't. He can't. He can't live without her. He just can't and he won't. He won't. He won't. He refuses to live without her. He refuses. He refuses. The pain that he is feeling now won't even compare to the pain he would feel if something happened to her. He can't. He would lose his mind. He would lose his heart. He would lose his soul. He can't. He can't. He can't. Oh god, he can't.

Derek: She...it's...oh God...it's Mer...oh God...I can't...she...oh God...

The Chief grabs Derek's pager out of his lifeless hand and reads the information. He doesn't hand the pager back to Derek but instead places a firm hand on his shoulder to direct him towards the room indicated on the screen. It is only around the corner. He looks at Derek. He looks like a zombie. Lifeless. Cold. Despondent. Detached. Not Derek. He doesn't look like Derek. He doesn't look like Derek at all. He turns Derek's body and forces him to look at him.

Chief: Look at me, Shep.

Derek raises his bloodshot eyes to meet the Chief's, fresh tears now making their way down his cheeks.

Chief: She is going to be okay. She is going to be just fine. You are going to be just fine. Now, let's go find out what is wrong.

Derek just nods as he reaches up and mindlessly wipes away his tears. He can't. He can't live without her. He just can't. She can continue hurting him all she wants. She can continue hurting him all she wants just as long as she is here to do the hurting. He can't. He can't. He can't.

He doesn't even see where he is going and he barely feels the strong hand on his back that is guiding him towards the room where Meredith is. He needs to see her. He needs to make sure she is okay. He needs to make sure that she is okay because he can't. He can't live without her. He just can't.

He takes a deep breath before stepping into the room, afraid of what he might find. Afraid that in one second his entire world can come crashing down. That his entire world may cease to exist in the matter of a single second. She has to be okay. She has to. She just has to be okay.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Derek steps into the room and his heart immediately feels lighter. He finally releases the breath that he didn't even realize he was holding. She is breathing. She has an oxygen mask on, but she is breathing. He quickly glances around the room and takes in all of the machines and monitors. He notices the monitor strapped around her abdomen to monitor the heartbeats of the twins. Panic begins to run through his veins and directly to his heart.

Derek (in a strained voice): What the hell happened?

All of the heads in the room turn towards him as his presence has gone unnoticed until now. His gaze travels to Meredith's tear-stained face and he wants nothing more than to rush to her side and calm her. He wants nothing more. He wants nothing more but he can't. He can't. He can't because she doesn't want him to. She doesn't want him. She doesn't want him. She doesn't want him by her side.

He finally tears his eyes away from hers and looks at Addison, his eyes begging her for answers. He needs to know. He needs to know that they are okay. He needs to know that she is okay. He just needs to know. He needs to know because he can't. He doesn't know. He can't. He doesn't know what he would do. He doesn't know what he would do if something was wrong. He can't. He can't even imagine it. He just can't.

Addison: It seems that Meredith had a panic attack.

Derek breathes a sigh of relief as he runs a hand roughly through his hair. He motions to all of the equipment in the room with a swipe of his hand.

Derek: Then what is all of this?

Addison smiles weakly at Derek as Meredith fixes her gaze on a certain object in the room that is away from Derek.

Addison: We couldn't calm her and she was having difficulty breathing. The fetal heart monitor is for precaution only. Her bp was high and we just wanted to make sure that the babies were in no distress. The oxygen was to help her regulate her breathing.

Derek glances at Meredith quickly before looking back at Addison.

Derek: So, she's okay?

Addison: Meredith and the babies are okay.

Derek exhales loudly and his body visibly relaxes. She is fine. She is okay. She is okay. Thank God she is okay. She is okay, but she had a panic attack. Why did she have a panic attack? He was just with her. What made her have a panic attack? But she is okay. She is fine. She is okay.

Addison: We are going to keep her here for a couple of hours until her bp comes down a bit.

Derek nods and walks over to a chair next to her bed and sits down. He looks up at the Chief.

Derek: Cancel all my surgeries today.

Derek's voice offers no room for argument, but Meredith finally turns and looks at him.

Meredith (in a strained voice): What?

Derek looks her directly in the eyes. He can feel his heart flutter even though her eyes are hard. Just sharing that contact with her makes his pain a little more bearable. At least she is there to look him in the eyes. At least she is looking him in the eyes. She hasn't turned away. Not yet anyways. He hopes that his eyes show her how much he loves her, how much he needs her. Can't she see that?

Derek: If you are going to be here for a couple of hours, then I am going to be here with you.

Meredith: You don't have to do that.

Derek leans back in the chair and sighs in frustration.

Derek: Yes, I do.

Meredith sighs in frustration and falls back on the bed. Addison and the Chief look at each other.

Addison: Well, I will be back to check on you in a little while.

Addison smiles at the couple before leaving the exam room. The Chief clears his throat and rocks on his feet a couple of times.

Chief: I...um...I will cancel your surgeries, Shep. Take the rest of the day both of you. If either of you need anything don't hesitate to ask.

The Chief nods at them both before exiting the room and leaving them alone. Meredith glances at Derek before rolling over on her side, facing away from him. Derek sighs in frustration. He just...he can't. He can't not say something. Not now. He has to. He has to say something. He just wants her to talk to him. How are they supposed to raise children together if they can't even talk? Right?

Derek: Mer...

Even though his voice is strangled when he speaks her name, it still rolls off of his tongue like velvet. He speaks her name like a prayer and he hopes. He hopes. He hopes that she answers him. He needs something. Something to go on. Some shread of reason to hope. If not hope itself, something that may cause him to have a little home. He doesn't need a lot. Just a little. Anything. Something. Anything at all.

But Meredith doesn't turn around to face him. Meredith doesn't turn around to face him and she doesn't answer him. He hangs his head, feeling and looking completely defeated. He doesn't know how much longer he can survive. He doesn't know how much longer he can survive without her. He wants her. He needs her. Oh God, he needs her.

Derek (in a strangled voice): Mer...please...

His sentence is interrupted by the sound of a sob. A heavy sound that is escaping from the tiny frame lying so helpless on the hospital bed. He wants so badly to climb into that bed and hold her. To run his fingers through her silky hair that he knows smells like lavender. He wants that. He wants her. He wants her. He loves her. He loves her and that is why his heart completely sinks as the sound of her sobs reach his ears.

He is quickly on his feet and making his way to her. This involuntary movement is completely impulsive. He needs to protect her. He needs to make her feel better. He needs to. He needs to. He needs to. He doesn't think about whether or not she wants him to or not. He doesn't think. He needs to be there. He needs to. Meredith's strangled voice cuts through the stillness of the room, penetrated before only by the sounds of the machines in the room. Her voice cuts through the stillness and stops him in his tracks.

Meredith: Don't. Just...don't.

Derek angrily runs his hand through his hair. He can't take this anymore. He can't take her pushing him anymore. He just can't. He needs her to give him something. An inch. A centimeter. Hell, even a millimeter. He just needs something. Anything. Anything at all. It hurts. It hurts to damn much to keep being pushed. He feels as if he might fall off of the edge if she pushes him any more and he can't. He can't. He can't take it. He just can't.

Anger begins to mix with his pain and boil inside of his veins as her words continue to claw at his heart. Ripping. Tearing. Hurting. Bleeding. Pain. Anguish. Anger. Anger. Anger. Anger at this constant pain. Anger at this constant pushing. Anger. So much anger now. Anger now takes him over as he stands in the hospital room and looks at the love of his life. The love of his life who is carrying his children. The love of his life that is carrying his children and who continues to push him. To push him away. To push. And he can't. He can't. He just can't.

Derek: Damn it, Meredith! Why won't you just let me love you?!

Another sob wracks Meredith's body. She just can't. She can't. She can't. She can't let him in. She wants him. She wants him so much. She does. She really does. But she can't. Poison. Tainted. She is poison. She is poison and he deserves better. She can't.

Meredith: I...I...can't...I...can't...

Derek: What makes it so hard for you? Why in the hell can't you just let me in?

Meredith: I...poison...tainted...better...can't...you...better...poison...

Meredith's words come out as sobs and it takes Derek a moment to comprehend what she is saying. She thinks that she is poison? That she is tainted? Does she think that he can do better? Seriously? That is what is keeping them apart? Seriously?

He takes another step forward. He needs to let her know. She has to know. How can she not know? He finally understands her resistance, but how can she think that? How can she think that he can do better when the best person for him is her? How? He needs to set her straight. He has to. She has to know that he wants her and only her.

Meredith: I...can't...please...please...don't...just...don't...

Derek: I love you, Mer. I love _you_.

Meredith's body begins to shake violently once again as sobs wrack her shoulders. His words are both sweet and painful to her. She wants to let him in. She does. She really wants to. But she can't. She can't. She can't. He deserves better. He deserves someone better. He deserves someone better and she deserves to be alone.

Meredith: No...you...can't...I...can't...please...just...go...please...

Her words are daggers to him. But they aren't as sharp. He knows that she loves him. He knows that. If she didn't, she wouldn't tell him that he could do better. There is hope. There is hope mixed in with the pain. There is hope. Hope. After all of these months there is finally hope. He needs to show her that she isn't poison, that she isn't tainted, and that he wants no one else. He wants her. He needs her. He loves her.

He will pursue this with her later, but right now she needs to rest. She needs to relax. So later. Later. He will talk to her about this again later. But right now. Right now he will sit with her. He won't leave her. He will never leave her again, so she needs to get used to having him around. She needs to get used to having him around because no matter how hard she pushes, he isn't going anymore.

Derek: I will be quiet, but I'm not going anywhere.

Derek returns to the chair next to the bed and sits down, hope for the future easing the pain of the present and of the past.

**Okay...there are a couple of things that I need to address from some comments that I have received. First of all...a large portion of this story is already written and it is written in stream of consciousness. I write the thoughts of the characters as they think them, hence the repetition. This story is moving slow because I feel that in their time apart time moves slow for Meredith and Derek. I should warn you that it gets worse before it gets better...but it will get better...I am a huge merder fan...I just believe that meredith has to realize how much she needs Derek and she needs to accept her need for him...and I'm slowly getting there...I feel like there have been so many things rushed and unresolved on the show...so yeah..anyways...if you don't like it...you don't have to read it..but I'm honestly not going to go back and rewrite the story and I'm not going to change the way that I am writing. I appreciate you all reading and providing comments and this isn't directed at everyone. **

**So yeah...sorry...I just had to address some things...I will try to post a couple more chapters tomorrow...but school is kicking my ass...and I have a comparative anatomy and an organic chemistry test coming up...but I will try. Thank you all again for reading. **

**-Marci**


	17. Chapter 17

Meredith can't believe that they paged him. Well, yeah she can.Figures. He is probably going to hate her. Hate her for putting their children in danger by having a panic attack. Hate her. She deserves to feel his hatred. Maybe if he hates her it would make everything easier. Maybe. Just maybe.

She looks up at the door when she hears someone come in. It is the Chief. The Chief looks at her. She knows that she looks like crap. She is still crying and she has an oxygen mask over her mouth. She feels herself shudder as she inhales, her whole body reacting to the aftershocks of the sobbing. The heartbeats of the twins fill the room and she focuses on that sound to try to regulate her breathing. If she can't breathe for herself, maybe she could breathe for her children.

Will he blame her? Will he hate her? Will he? Will he? Will he? What if he blames her? It is her fault. It is. She freaked out and she couldn't regulate her breathing. It is her fault. She is already sucking at this mother thing. She is already sucking and they aren't even born yet.

Derek (in a strained voice): What the hell happened?

Meredith turns towards the source of the voice, although she already knows who it is. It's him. It's her Derek. She feels a mixture of relief and fear as she looks at him. He looks scared. Why is he scared? Was he scared that something was wrong wth the babies? Is that why he rushed to her room? To make sure his children were okay? She tells herself this. She tells herself this so that she doesn't have to acknowledge the fact that he might be there for her. He might be there to check on her. She doesn't acknowledge this because that would mean she would have to acknowledge that he cares.

She watches as he turns to Addison. She can see the pleading in his body language, even if she can't see it in his eyes. Of course he is worried about his children. He is Derek. He is already a great father and she is already a shitty mother. Figures. At least their children will have one good parent in addition to her. Meredith only had one bad one.

Addison: It seems that Meredith had a panic attack.

Meredith can hear Derek breathe a sigh of relief as he runs a hand roughly through his hair. He motions to all of the equipment in the room with a swipe of his hand.

Derek: Then what is all of this?

Addison smiles weakly at Derek as Meredith fixes her gaze on a certain object in the room that is away from Derek. She can't bring herself to look at him. All of this is her fault. All of it. Once he realizes that he will definitely hate her. He will hate her. He should hate her. She is weak. Her mother was right. She is weak and she is ordinary. She is never going to amount to anything. Her mother was so right.

Addison: We couldn't calm her and she was having difficulty breathing. The fetal heart monitor is for precaution only. Her bp was high and we just wanted to make sure that the babies were in no distress. The oxygen was to help her regulate her breathing.

Meredith can feel him look at her for a fleeting moment. They couldn't calm her. She couldn't calm herself. Ordinary. Plain. Nothing. Nobody. No one. Weak. Meredith. She can't even breathe on her own. How weak is she?

Derek: So, she's okay?

Addison: Meredith and the babies are okay.

Meredith can hear Derek exhale loudly and she is pretty sure that he is probably running a hand through his hair right about now. Good thing he has so much hair or he might be bald by now. The babies are okay. The babies are fine. That is what he cares about. The babies. Not her. She can't even think that he cares about her. She doesn't deserve his care and concern. She doesn't deserve it.

Addison: We are going to keep her here for a couple of hours until her bp comes down a bit.

Meredith can hear him sit down in a chair next to the bed. What the hell is he doing? Doesn't he have surgeries to do? Is he that afraid to leave her alone with his children? Does he think that she is that horrible of a mother? Seriously?

Derek: Cancel all my surgeries today.

Derek's voice offers no room for argument, but Meredith finally turns and looks at him. She wants to know what the hell he is doing.

Meredith (in a strained voice): What?

Derek looks her directly in the eyes. She can feel her heart flutter even though she makes her eyes are hard. Just sharing that contact with him increases her pain. Why is she looking him in the eyes? Why can't she turn away? Why? Why? Why? She sees something in his eyes. Something that she has seen only in those eyes. But she won't believe it. She won't acknowledge what that is. She can't. She can't. She just can't.

Derek: If you are going to be here for a couple of hours, then I am going to be here with you.

Meredith: You don't have to do that.

Derek leans back in the chair and sighs in frustration.

Derek: Yes, I do.

Meredith sighs in frustration and falls back on the bed. Addison and the Chief look at each other.

Addison: Well, I will be back to check on you in a little while.

Addison smiles at the couple before leaving the exam room. The Chief clears his throat and rocks on his feet a couple of times.

Chief: I...um...I will cancel your surgeries, Shep. Take the rest of the day both of you. If either of you need anything don't hesitate to ask.

The Chief nods at them both before exiting the room and leaving them alone. Meredith glances at Derek before rolling over on her side, facing away from him. Derek sighs in frustration. She doesn't know why he is doing this. Why does he have to do this? Does he like to see her in pain? Does he think that he needs to watch over her to protect his children? Why is he doing this?

Derek: Mer...

Her name sounds like a prayer rolling off of his tongue. It sounds so natural and so full of love. She can hear that. She can hear that but she can't admit it. She can't. She just can't. Why does he have to say her name like that? Why? What gives him that right?

Meredith fights against her desire to turn around and face him. She fights it. She fights it. She focuses on a particularly interesting spot on the wall. She concentrates on that spot. She concentrates on that spot as she tries desperately not to think about his eyes looking at her. She tries hard not to think about his eyes trailing up and down her body with that dark look he would give her when he really wanted her. She tries not to think about. Because thinking about it would do no good. She will never have him again. Not like that. He deserves better. She doesn't deserve him. He deserves better.

She feels it building. The pain. The pain. The pain of never getting to feel his skin on top of hers. The pain of never getting to hear him whisper words of love. So much pain. So much pain wracks her tiny frame and she can barely contain it.

Derek (in a strangled voice): Mer...please...

His begging unleashes so many emotions in her and she can no longer contain it. A sob makes its way from the bottom of her stomach and overtakes her entire frame. She feels her body shudder as a sad and sorrowful sound escapes the barrier of her lips. She can't contain it. She is weak. She can't contain her pain. She is so weak. So weak. Her mother was right. Weak. Meredith. Weak.

She hears him jump quickly to his feet as he begins to make his way over to her. She can't. She can't. She can't let him touch her. She can't. She will lose it. She will lose it completely if he touches her right now and she can't. She can't. She just can't.

Meredith: Don't. Just...don't.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't see it. He doesn't see that she is poison. That since she has been in his life she has poisoned him and that maybe, just maybe, if she leaves him alone, if he finds someone better, someone who isn't poison...maybe then he can be happy again. She just wants him to be happy. She needs him to be happy. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be happy and she is poison. She ruins that happiness. She knows it. Even if he doesn't, she knows it.

Derek: Damn it, Meredith! Why won't you just let me love you?!

Another sob wracks Meredith's body. She just can't. She can't. She can't. She can't let him in. She wants him. She wants him so much. She does. She really does. But she can't. Poison. Tainted. She is poison. She is poison and he deserves better. She can't.

Meredith: I...I...can't...I...can't...

Derek: What makes it so hard for you? Why in the hell can't you just let me in?

Meredith: I...poison...tainted...better...can't...you...better...poison...

Meredith's words come out as sobs as she tries to make him see. Tries to make him understand that she is bad for him. He deserves better. She can't believe he said those words. She can't believe that he said he loves her. He can't love her. Nobody loves her. She's unloveable. He can't. He just can't.

He takes another step forward and she feels the panic begin to set in. She can't let him touch her. If he touches her she will fall apart. She will lose that last bit of resistence. She can't let him touch her. She can't. She just can't. She is weak and he can't and she can't.

Meredith: I...can't...please...please...don't...just...don't...

Derek: I love you, Mer. I love _you_.

Meredith's body begins to shake violently once again as sobs wrack her shoulders. His words are both sweet and painful to her. She wants to let him in. She does. She really wants to. But she can't. She can't. She can't. He deserves better. He deserves someone better. He deserves someone better and she deserves to be alone.

Meredith: No...you...can't...I...can't...please...just...go...please...

She hopes that he drops it. Please let him drop it. If he continues this now she will go back to him. If he keeps going she won't be able to resist him any longer. She is weak. She won't be able to. She can't. Please just let him stop. Please. Please just let him stop.

Derek: I will be quiet, but I'm not going anywhere.

Derek returns to the chair next to the bed and sits down and Meredith doesn't know whether to feel relieved or upset. She knows that if he would have pushed for five more minutes...maybe not even that much longer she would have given in. She would have given in and she can't. She can't. She can't.

**So this is just Mer's perspective of the last scene...she feels that if Derek would have pushed a little more she would have give in. Just a bit more. That's all that is would have taken...and she would have...the Meredith in my head would have given in...anyways...I have reached over 100 comments...so thank you all...Hope you all have a great weekend and I will post more soon.**

**-Marci**


	18. Chapter 18

Derek watches Meredit lie in the bed for four hours. Four hours. She lies there for four hours and she doesn't look at him. She doesn't look at him. She doesn't speak to him. Nothing. Not a thing. Not one sign. All hope he had? Gone. Nothing. Not a single damn thing. He sighs as he runs his hand through his hair.

She is getting ready to leave. In five minutes Addison will come back in here and tell her that she can go. Where? He has no idea. He has no idea where the love of his life, who is carrying his children, is staying. What kind of man is he? Seriously?

Okay. The seriously thing, he got that from her. She affects him. She affects him in every single way, in every single fibre of his body. She affects him.

Why can't she see that he loves her? Why in the hell can't she see that? He doesn't know how much longer he can go on like this. He doesn't know. She is being so cold to him. Earlier he had hope. Hope. Bullshit. That's what it is. Bull. Shit. Wishful thinking is more like it. He was probably just looking for something, anything, when there wasn't anything there. Nothing. He can't. He just can't.

He watches her. He watches as she slowly raises up and slings her legs over the side of the bed. He watches her. He watches her. He wants to help her. He wants so badly to be sitting on the bed next to her, his hand on her lower back easing whatever pain he can. He wants to be her pain reliever, he wants to be the pill that she takes. He wants that. He needs that. He needs her.

Derek (in a hoarse voice): Mer...

He sees her body instantly stiffen. He hasn't said a word. Not a word in four hours. He can't breathe. He can't breathe as he waits for something from her. Anything. Something. Just not nothing. He waits. He waits. He can't. He can't. He can't breathe.

Meredith (in a harsh voice): What?

Derek allows for his head to fall forward into his hands. He runs his hands over his scratchy face and he lets out a sound of frustration.

Derek (in a soft voice): Why are you doing this?

Meredith whips around, fire in her eyes. He needs to know. He needs to know why she is torturing him, why she is torturing herself. He needs to know. He needs to know so he can fix it. So they can be together. He needs to know. He just needs to know.

Meredith laughs a harsh and bitter laugh.

Meredith: Me?! You are blaming this on me?! Seriously?! Seriously?!

Meredith's voice is near a scream as she finishes talking. Derek realizes that he might have worded the question poorly. He doesn't want to make her angry. He doesn't want to hurt her. He doesn't want to. But he needs answers. He deserves answers.

His anger begins to rise as he stands up and walks over to her.

Derek: Why are you doing this, Mer?!

Meredith jumps to her feet, ignoring the pain that immediately hits her back.

Meredith: DOING WHAT?!

Derek motions to the space between them.

Derek: THIS! Why did you run from me? Why are you refusing to let me in? I..

Meredith: DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!

Derek: I LOVE YOU, MEREDITH GREY! I LOVE YOU! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME?!

Meredith: YOU DON'T LOVE ME! I AM JUST SOME INCUBATOR FOR YOUR OFFSPRING!

Derek (his voice is now low and dangerous): You know that isn't true.

Meredith: DO I? REALLY?

Derek: Why would you think that I don't love you?

Meredith: Maybe it was the fact that you said you didn't want to breathe for me anymore. MAYBE it was the fact that the highlight of your week was some bimbo in the bar. MAYBE IT WAS THE FACT THAT YOU BEGGED ME TO END YOUR MISERY! Well, you got your wish, Derek. I'm ending your misery. I hate you. I hate you and your perfect fucking hair and your perfect fucking family. I hate you Derek Michael Shepherd. There is an end to the misery that apparently is ME!

Her words steal his breath as they pierce his heart. She hates him. She hates him. Oh God. She hates him. No. No. NO. Misery? His misery? It is his fault. All of it is his fault. He. No. She. No. Hates him. No. She. No. Oh God. He can't. He can't think. She hates him. She hates him and he can't live without her. No. He notices her turning towards the door to leave.

Derek (in a strained voice): Mer...

Meredith (in a cold voice): Don't worry, Derek, Dr. Shepherd, I won't keep you from your children. I want you in their lives.

Before he can respond Meredith is out the door and a new, gaping hole, bigger than any other is formed in his aching, bleeding, hurting heart.

**So...this one was a bit short...and things are well...yeah...you will see...I will try to post the next update soon...and it is intense...and yeah...so...yeah...You probably all hate Meredith right now...and I get that...and I will try to explain her more later...but I have to go do some physics and some organic chemsitry now..**

**-Marci**


	19. Chapter 19

Derek rests his head against the steering wheel of his new BMW. He doesn't want to move. He doesn't feel as if he can move. He doesn't feel like he can function. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to breathe. He doesn't want his heart to keep beating. He doesn't want the neurons in his brain to continue firing. He just doesn't want to anymore.He doesn't want to live without her. He can't live without her. He can't. He just...can't.

She hates him. She hates him. She hates him. Stab. Stab. Stab. Pain. Pain like never before. Pain that makes him wish for it to end. For the first time ever he just wants everything to stop. Everything. He wants to be numb. He doesn't want to feel anything anymore. Before the pain was okay. Tha pain was okay because he thought that she loved him. She loved him. Past tense. No longer. No longer because she hates him.

She hates him. He hates himself. He hates everything. He can't do this anymore. He can't. He needs to feel numb. He needs to close her eyes just once and not see her face. Just once. Please, God, just once. Numb. He wants to be numb. He wants to be more than numb. He wants to be dead. If he can't be with her then he wants to be dead. Dead. Dead. No longer living. No longer feeling pain. No longer feeling anything.

He hits his hands against the steering wheel violently.

Derek: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK IT ALL TO HELL!

Derek shoves his shoulder into the door as he stumbles out of the car. He kicks several rocks along the way, anything to vent his anger, his pain. He needs a drink. He needs a lot of drinks. He needs to feel numb. To feel completely numb. He needs to get her face, her words, out of his mind. Just for a minute. A second. Anything. He just needs for it to stop. He needs for it to stop for just one moment. One moment of relief. Just one tiny moment of relief. Anything. Anything to feel nothing.

Derek yanks the door to his tiny, lonely trailer open and steps in. Alone. No one there. Alone. Lonely. Always alone. For forever. He will always be alone. Always. He can never replace her. He doesn't want to replace her. He can't. He can't. And now he knows that he can never have her. She hates him. She hates him. She doesn't want him. She doesn't love him. Alone. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Alone. Derek Shepherd. Alone for forever. He thought he would have his forever with her. With his Meredith. But his Meredith hates him. She hates him. She hates him. She hates him. He loves her and she hates him. He can't stop loving her, even if she hates him.

Derek searches through the cabinets and finds a full bottle of scotch. He pulls it down and doesn't even bother with a glass. He quickly opens the bottle and begins to drink. The warm liquid burns his throat as it travels down to his stomach. Even this hot liquid is unable to remove the chill in his body created by Meredith's words.

_I hate you._

He takes another long drink from the bottle. He wants to feel numb. He needs to feel numb. He can't. He will drown if he doesn't begin to feel numb soon. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts so damn much. He just can't. He doesn't want to. It's not so much can't anymore as don't want to. What's the point? What's the point of anything? What's the point of living if she doesn't love him? What is the fucking point?

_I hate you._

Derek lifts the opening of the bottle to his mouth once again, half the bottle already gone. Her words repeating in his head. He is trying to drown them out. He is trying so damn hard.

_I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._

He doesn't hear the knocking at the door. He doesn't notice when the door opens. He doesn't notice when a certain plastic surgeon steps inside. He doesn't notice. He doesn't notice as he drains the bottle, attempting to remove Meredith's words from his mind. Trying. Trying. Trying but failing. Failing. Failing. Failing miserably. So miserable. He is so miserable. So much pain. So much goddamn pain.

The scotch isn't doing it. The scotch isn't helping his pain. He isn't numb. His vision is blurry but her words. Her words. Her words are still perfectly clear.

_I hate you._

Clear as crystal. So fucking clear. Why can't it be his vision that is clear and her words that are blurry? He can't. He can't. He needs more. He needs something. Anything. Oh God. He needs something to numb the pain, to silence the words. Silence. The silence of her exam room earlier seems so welcoming now. Silence. Please, God, silence. Silence.

_I hate you._

He picks up the bottle of scotch from the table and throws it against the wall with such a violent force that the trailer shakes as the bottle shatters.

Derek: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Derek attempts to stand up but sways slightly as the alcohol begins to take effect. That is when he feels a pair of strong arms around him, preventing him from falling to the ground. Derek quickly straightens up and shakes the pair of arms off. He turns to face him.

Derek: What the hell are you doing here, Mark?

Mark: Apparently saving your ass. What the hell are you doing, Derek?

Derek looks angrily at Derek before pushing him. He can't. He just can't. He has too many emotions flowing through him right now and he is converting some of his pain into anger. But even that conversion, that conversion isn't enough. The pain. The pain is still there. It is still there and it is still strong. So strong. He doesn't feel like he can function. Even converting some of the pain, he still can't function. Her words. Her words. Those three damn words. Those three damn words that were the complete opposite of the ones he so wants to hear.

_I hate you._

He can't. He can't. He can't breathe. He doesn't want to. Not anymore. Not without her. His fists begin to slam into Mark's chest as sobs wrack his body. Mark wraps his strong arms around, trying to still his fists.

Derek (gasping): I can't...I don't...want to...I want to...die...I can't...I don't...want to live...Mark..please...please...Mark...just...end it...please...the pain...it's...it's too much...I can't...please...

Mark feels the hot tears trail down his own face as he looks at his best friend, his brother, falling apart, begging him to end his pain.

He can't. He can't. He needs it to end. Please let it end. Please. Morphine won't do the trick. He needs to close his eyes. He wants to close hie eyes for forever. He can't. He can't live without her. He can't breathe without her. He can't spend the rest of his life without her. He doesn't think he can spend another day, another minute without her.

His legs with no longer support him as he crumbles to the ground at Mark's feet. He replaces Mark's chest with the ground as he pounds his fists against the hard floor. He doesn't feel the pain. He doesn't feel the bone crack as he hits. He hits. He hits. He is trying to silence her words. He is trying to drown her out. But he can't

_I hate you._

His breathing becomes labored but he doesn't care. He prays for the oxygen depletion. He prays for it to end. For it all to end. He needs for it to end. He needs the words to stop. Her voice saying the words he needs for it to stop. Please. Stop. Pain. Hate. Nothing. Alone.

Derek (sobbing): Make it stop...Please...the pain...I love...her...I can't...just...make it stop, Mark...please...I am begging...you...it hurts...it hurts...it hurts too damn...much...I can't...I...oh God...I want to die...please...Mark...please...there...are some...pills...medicine cabinet...please...I need for it to stop...I'm dying...Mark...I'm dying...please...

Mark watches his friend, his friend who is broken. He curls himself up on the floor next to him and listens to his sobbing, afraid to leave. For the first time in his life, Mark is afraid that Derek Shepherd might hurt himself and he is afraid to leave. So, he lies next to him on the floor and watches him sob himself to sleep, knowing that no words can comfort him. He watches him sob himself to sleep as he begs for him to end it and he can't help but cry a few tears of his own.

The alcohol begins to take full affect on Derek and he feels his eyelids begin to get heavy, his sobs never ceasing and her words never ending. He drifts into a fitful sleep as he dreams for the end in a world that suddenly seems so lonely. She hates him and he loves her. She hates him and he loves her. She hates him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Derek's body aches. His body aches badly. He has never felt his age until now. His head is pounding in the back of his eyes. His eyes. He doesn't even want to open his eyes. He groans loudly as he moves his hand to the surface next to his face. It is a soft surface. The aroma of coffee feels his nostrils as he forces his eyes open.

His head is pounding. Pounding loudly as he feels a dull pulsating feeling behind his eyes. Pounding. Pounding, but he still hears her voice cutting through the dull rhythm in his head.

_I hate you._

He hears himself groan, but doesn't know the origin of the sound. It is a sound that escapes, not a sound that is made. It is a sound from his heart, his soul, not from his throat.

The pain. The pain is still there. It is still there in addition to the physical pain caused from the hangover. Hungover. He is hungover. He is hungover because he wanted to feel numb. He didn't want to feel the pain anymore. The pain which is still painfully present.

He blinks a few times as he tries to adjust his dim eyes to the bright light. Why is it so sunny? It should not be sunny today. It is definitely a day for tumultuous storms. Storms that are the exterior expression of his inner turmoil.

He groans again as he slowly lifts himself into a sitting position. The room is blurry as he begins to rub his eyes with his fists. Why the hell did he think a bottle of scotch would make him feel better? The only thing that can ease his pain hates him. She hates him. She hates him and she is the only painkiller for him. She is the only thing that can make it stop.

He hears some footsteps and he looks up to meet the concerned face of Mark. He has no idea why Mark is there. He has no idea why he looks so concerned.

Derek: What the hell are you doing here?

Mark sighs.

Mark: You don't remember?

Derek: Do you think I would ask you if I did?

Mark: Right. Well, several people heard your fight with Meredith yesterday, so I came here to check on you and found you downing a bottle of scotch.

Derek allows his head to fall forward into his hands as he groans. What had Mark seen? What had he done? What had he said? Derek jerks his head up, instantly regretting that decision as his head begins to throb even more.

Derek: Wait. Where did you sleep?

Mark shrugs.

Mark: On the couch.

Derek: I didn't need a babysitter.

Mark: You were pretty bad last night, man. I wasn't going to leave you alone.

Derek sighs.

Derek: Do I want to know?

Mark: I don't know, but you might want to get rid of your pills in the medicine cabinet.

Derek's mouth falls open as he tries to grasp what Mark has just said. Did he try to hurt himself? Did he really try to hurt himself? Of course he thought about it last night. He just didn't realize that he had actually tried.

Derek: Did I try?

Mark shakes his head.

Mark: You begged me to get them for you as you couldn't get yourself off of the floor.

Derek's head falls back into his hands. His throat feels scratchy and he needs to piss, but he can't move. He can't. He can't. He can't believe that he wanted to kill himself.

Yes, he can. Feeling the way he feels now and still feeling all of the emotional pain, still hearing her voice that haunted him even in his fitfull sleep. He can believe that he wanted to kill himself. He can. He can because even now he wants to die. He wants it to end. He does. He wants it to end. He wants her voice to stop.

_I hate you._

He feels himself getting choke up once again. But he can't. He can't allow himself to break. He can't allow Mark to see him weak again. He is weak. Right now he is weak. He is weak when it comes to Meredith. Meredith is his weakness. Meredith is his strength. Meredith is his everything.

He struggles to his feet as he looks at Meredith through his bloodshot eyes. He needs to escape Mark's gaze. He needs to be alone. He needs to be alone. He needs to be alone if he can't be with Meredith. Hell, he is alone no matter how many people are around him if he isn't with Meredith.

Derek: I'm taking a shower.

Mark moves out of the way as Derek walks past him and to the bathroom. Derek steps into the bathroom and places his hand on the wall as he relieves himself. He looks into the mirror. He looks like shit. His eyes are swollen and red. His face is scratchy and his lips are chapped. But he doesn't care. He doesn't give a damn. He looks like he feels. Like shit. He feels like shit. He looks like shit. And he doesn't give a damn.

Derek turns on the shower before taking off his clothes. As he steps in and the hot jets of water hit his sore muscles, he feels the first hint of relief he has felt all morning. It's not much, but it's something. He places his hands on the walls of the shower as he allows the water to hit his back. He stands this way for a few minutes before beginning to wash his tired and achey body. His body that feels so much colder since he lost her Since she began to hate him.

He wants to cry. He want to. But he can't. He can't cry. He can't. He just can't. He has to hold himself together. He doesn't want to, but he has to. There are lives in his hands and he can't. Later. Later he will. After his shift he will allow himself to break. But not now. Not now. Not now. He can't. Not now. Later. He will break down later.

Derek sighs as he gets out of the lonely shower. He is determined to get through the day. Just the day. Through the day so that tonight, tonight he can fall apart because the love of his life hates him.

**So, Derek completely broke down. Once again this was originally two seperate updates...I'm trying to get you guy caught up...and the next update is just as intense if not even more so...Hope yuo guys like it...thanks for all of your comments...I really appreciate it...the more comments I get the more I try to post these sooner...so yeah..**

**-Marci**


	20. Chapter 20

**The poem in this update is mine. I usually don't put my poetry out there...so yeah...Enjoy...**

Derek runs his hand over his tired and scratchy face. He didn't even bother to shave this morning. What's the point? What does any of it matter? It doesn't. Without her, nothing matters. Hell, he wouldn't have even showered this morning is Mark hadn't threated to do it for him. He does not want Mark even attempting to bathe him. Just the thought makes him vomit a little.

He runs his fingers through his messy curls as the front doors of the hospital automatically slide open. He is aware of Mark's watchful presence next to him, but doesn't acknowledge him. Mark wouldn't even let him drive this morning. Something about being too hungover. Complete bullshit if you ask him. He's going to operate today, and he can't fucking drive? What the hell is that? Seriously.

_Anger swelling inside my body_

_Pressing hard against my skin._

He feels the urge to punch Mark when he feels his hand patting him on the back. He doesn't want sympathy. He doesn't want empathy. He doesn't want comfort. He wants Meredith. It doesn't matter is she hates him. He wants her. He doesn't want anything else and for Mark to think that he can make it better with a simple pat on the back, well, that just pisses him the hell off.

_Aching to be released,_

_Tired of being held back._

Derek grunts, as he doesn't really have the energy nor the desire to form words, as he shrugs his shoulders, trying to shrug Mark's hand off of his back. But Mark's hand doesn't budge. Mark's hand is on his back. Mark's hand is on his back and it is really starting to piss him off. It is this anger, this anger that allows for him to quiet Meredith's voice just for a moment so that he can find his own.

_Waiting for me to fall to its power,_

_Indwelling my body for as long as it can._

Derek (in a low threatening tone): Get your damn hand off of my back.

Mark removes his hand from Derek's back, but almost immediately grabs Derek by the shoulder and forces him to face him.

_It's a black cloud over a white light._

_It searches me out as a predator does its prey._

Mark: What the hell is your problem, man?

Derek's eyes grow a stormy shade of blue, as if there is a storm brewing not only in his eyes, but also in his soul. He wants to hit something. He wants this anger and this pain to go away. He needs to hit something. Anything. Something. Anything at all. He clenches his fists tightly as he forces his words through the barrier of his teeth.

_A storm, violently destroying all in its path._

_A traitor, betraying out inner selves._

Derek: You are my fucking problem. Just leave me the hell alone.

It's boiling. It's raging. It's growing. It's festering. It is becoming this seperate entity that he might possibly lose control over. He doesn't even know if he wants to control it anymore. He does't care. He is apathetic. Apathetic. Apathy. Apathy created by her voice repeating in his head. Constantly repeating.

**I hate you.**

Mark: I am not your problem and you know that.

The waves crash against the rocks on the cliff that resides inside of Derek's soul. The fury is building. The swell is growing. The ship is beginning to sink. Will anyone save him? Can anyone save him? Does he want to be saved?

_A slave, to powers stronger than you or I._

_Anger._

Derek (in a harsh voice): Just shut up! Just shut the fuck up! You have no idea what you are talking about!

The foam forms on the surface of the water as the rocks fail to break or slow the swell. The crashing of the waves become much more intense as the start to form the words over and over again.

**I hate you.**

He is taking Meredith's hate for him and tranforming into his own. Hatred. Anger. Rage. Rage. Rage that threatens to not only bring him down, but those around him. A rage that swells his heart and darkens his soul. Rage. Rage similar to that that cost thousands of Greek and Trojan lives as it drove the young Achilles. Rage. Derek's rage. Derek's rage that boils and builds. Derek's rage that turns his eyes a dark, stormy shade of blue. A rage that has turned his knuckles white as he clenches his fist, ready at the first wrong word to meet flesh with flesh, bone with bone. Ready. Rage. Not Derek. Derek's rage. Not Derek.

_The weapon of the black knight._

_The downfall of the strong._

_The Achille's tendon of the world_

A rage that could easily form tears as well as sadness can. A rage that is all-consuming. A rage that removes love. A rage that removes Derek. A rage that takes him over and morphs him into something that he is not. Something that he despises. But he doesn't care. He is apathetic. He is hated. He is hated and so he hates.

Mark: I know that you are like this because Meredith said she hates you, but we all know that...

Before Mark can finish his sentence, bone is crashing against bone. Derek's rage has gotten the best of him. It has resulted in violence. Meredith's name on Mark's lips set him off. Mark repeating her words, those hateful and hurtful words, only spurned him even more. He can't hold it back and so he punches Mark. He puts all of his hate, all of his anger, and all of his weight behind his fist as it comes crashing, crunching into Mark's jaw.

_Violence._

_The outcome of the anger._

Mark is unable to brace himself for the unexpected blow, therefore he finds himself sprawled out on the floor. An angry Derek looks down at him with eyes he's never seen before. Eyes that scare him.

Derek feels all hell break lose in his soul as rage overtakes him completely. Unable to be restrained any longer. He finds it easier to handle than the pain, the sadness. Meredith's voice is still there, but so are the sounds of his rage. The raging sounds of his anger. His anger. His rage. His pain. They all combine to form a hurricane of emotions ready to leave a path of destruction in its wake.

_The moment the anger takes over,_

_All else forgotten._

Derek: Fuck you, Mark. You are nothing but a sorry piece of shit.

Derek walks away from Mark, not caring that he lies both hurt and afraid on the floor of the hospital. He ignores the looks as he walks onto the elevator. For now, his rage has replaced his sorrow. For now, the pain seems less intense because of the intensity of all of his other emotions. For now, he is a raging storm, but how long until the storm passes? How long can he use his rage to deny his sorrow? How long until the storm creates too much destruction? How long until Derek Shepherd loses himself to his rage? How long?

_Rage that makes others flee before you._

_I scare myself at times._


	21. Chapter 21

**The poem is mine.**

Derek slams the door to his office behind him as he violently throws his briefcase onto the couch against the wall. Anger is boiling in his veins as a dark shadow settles over his brow and his heart. He is angry. He is pissed. That one hit, that one moment of losing control, isn't enough. He needs to get his anger out. He wants to hurt something. He wants to damage something. He needs to inflict pain on something because of the intense pain that he is feeling.

_In the deep dark pits of Hell_

_my soul is lingering._

He grabs the stapler off of his desk and throws it against the wall. A loud crashing noise resounds throughout his office. A crashing noise. A noise of destruction. A whirlwind of emotion rages through his body as a tornado rips through an unwarned town. It tears down his defences. It makes him weak and susceptible. It breaks him. It breaks him down into even smaller pieces. He crumbles down with the world around him. His world. He crumbles with his world.

_The black crow sits upon my tombstone_

_as the Autumn leaves fall to the ground._

His storm status is upgraded as the winds of his rage increase with a violent force. Destruction is inevitable. Destruction is his new life force. If he destroys, maybe he won't be destroyed. But what does it matter? What does it matter if she hates him? She hates him. She hates him, damn it. God damn it, she hates him. She hates him and it hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much that he hates. He hates. He hates himself. He hates everyone and everything. He hates everyone but her. He can't hate her. He wants to, but he can't. She is his last shred of humanity at this moment. She is what is keeping him human amidst all of the anger and all of the rage. But he hates. He hates. He hates so much.

_The only flowers lying on the ground_

_before my grave are of black roses and hellmaries._

He stretches his arm across his desk and glides it over the surface, causing all of the items that occupy the space on the top of the desk to come crashing down to the floor. Crashing. Crashing. Crashing as his soul crashes against the rocks. Damage. Being damaged. Dying. Slowly dying. Black. Turning black. Black as night. Lacking the light. Lacking the light of love. Lacking the light of Meredith. Turning black. Full of hate and anger. Not Derek.

_The rain falls to the ground and the thunder_

_grows loud as bodies around me are burning._

His eyes are no longer a bright blue, but a shade of blue that almost looks black. Darkness. Darkness everywhere. Darkness. He doesn't even want the light. He doesn't even care right now. All that he feels is hate and anger. At least that is all that he is acknowledging. He is acknowledging the hate and the anger because he can't stand the pain. The pain makes him want to slit his wrists and slowly bleed out as he watches his life force leave him. Anger. Hate. Anger. Rage. So much rage. So much anger.

_The smell of burnt flesh fills the air constantly,_

_never leaving, only growing stronger._

He slams his fist down on the desk violently, causing it to shake beneath his almost superhuman strength. Strength imbibed to him by his extreme rage. He was to fucking kick someone's ass. He needs to move. The anger and the rage is festering and growing. It is getting worse and he needs to do something. He needs to kick someone's ass. He needs to create destruction. He is so fucking pissed. So fucking angry. So much fucking rage.

_The screams of others in pain drown out_

_all of the other sounds._

Fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck everyone and fuck everything. They can all kiss his angry ass and go to hell. Go and rot in hell. Mother fuckers. All of them. Liars, cheaters, stealers, bitches, whores, assholes, jackasses, bastards, shitheads. They can all kiss his ass. They can all kiss his ass on their way to hell, because that is where he is now. In hell. In his own personal hell.

_The fire creeps around my gloomy body_

_but I do not care._

He continues to pound the desk with his fist, each hit adding an exclamation point to his rage, to his anger, to his hate. He hates! He hates! He hates! He wallows in his Hell, prefering this place to the real world. Prefering his own personal hell that is full of this rage and anger and hate as opposed to that world full of love and pain. Fuck them. Fuck them all with their love and happiness. Love brings pain. Happiness brings sorrow. He will take his rage, anger, and hate anyday. Maybe not anyday, but definitely today. Today he will take his rage, anger, and hate over his love and pain.

_The heat steals the oxygen, making it harder_

_and more painful to breathe._

His breathing become ragged as sobs of rage rack his body. Rage that can no longer be contained within the confines of his body. Rage that is too great for his body. Rage that is too much for his frame. Too much rage. Sobs. He continues to pound. Continues to inflict damage on the desk as he ignores the pain in his fist. He is blind to pain. The rage blinds him to pain. He cannot feel the pain because he is so consumed by rage. Rage. Too much fucking rage.

_People around me rip at their skin and wish_

_for their death, but are not pleased._

He feels a strong pair of arms wrap around his body and grab his wrists, but he continues to fight. He continues to fight against that unseen force that is preying upon his soul. That force that is converting his lightness into darkness. That force that is killing him. That force that is making him wish for death. To wish for nothingness. To wish for complete darkness. He wishes for the ending in the middle of the story. He no longer believes in the happily ever afters. He no longer believes in soul mates and true love. It is all bullshit. He sees that now. In the darkness that surrounds him he sees that. It is all bullshit. Bullshit.

_More and more bodies accumulate around me_

_and the screams seem to grow even louder._

He fights against the arms. He needs to hit the desk. He needs to feel the solid material under his solid hands. He needs to destroy. The arms wrap around him tighter and he hears sounds, but he doesn't decipher their meaning. He doesn't care. They can't help him. No one can help. No one but her. No one but her but she hates him. She hates him so he is screwed. He is damned. He is in hell. He is in hell without her and that is fine with him. He wants to be in hell if he can't be with her. So he fights. He fights agains the light that is offered by those strong hands. He fights to remain in the darkness. The darkness that allows his to feel hate and anger and rage and to ignore the love and pain that so haunts him in the light. He fights to remain in hell.

_Nails rip through my skin as people beg_

_me to stop their pain._

Strong hands grab his wrists, finally stilling his movement. He turns around and the two men in the room are shocked by the darkness of his eyes. Derek doesn't see who they are, he just senses their presence.

Derek (in a harsh, angry voice): What in the hell do you want?

Chief (in a sad voice): You need to go home, Shep.

Derek angrily jerks his wrists out of the Chief's grasp, finally registering who it is that is around him.

Derek: Whatever.

Derek begins to walk over to the couch to grab his briefcase, but the Chief stops him by placing a strong hand on his shoulder. Derek wheels around to face him.

Derek (almost in a yell): WHAT?!

The Chief is taken aback by Derek's voice.

Chief: I don't want you to come back until you have this anger in check. Also, you will be leaving in a week for a case in New York. I think you need a break from this place.

Derek opens his mouth to speak, but the Chief holds up a hand.

Chief: There is no point in arguing with me, Derek. It is settled. You are lucky I am not suspending you.

Derek jerks out of the Chief's grasp as he snorts in an angry laugh.

Derek: Lucky! Right.

Derek grabs his briefcase and walks to the door, but Mark steps in front of him.

Mark: Let me take you home.

Derek: Get out of my fucking way before I hit you again, Mark.

Mark sighs as he steps aside. The Chief and Mark watch a Derek they don't know storm out of his office before they leave and lock the door behind them.

Derek walks out of the hospital, his anger and his rage taking on a life of its own as he drowns under the swell of his intense rage.

_I feel nothing but the rage and the hate_

_that have tranformed my red heart into the color of black._

_I disappear into nothingness as I lose myself_

_and willingly forget who I am._

_**There will be several updates over the next couple of days as I try to get this fic caught up on this site after being banned from another site for BILS. I will also be moving all of my fics here eventually...which I think is only one more...so yeah...for those of you that are having to come here to read...I apologize. I stand by my writing and I will not let someone walk all over me. I am actually having a very difficult time dealing with the situation and it has affected me more than it probably should have. Thank you all for reading and I do appreciate all of your wonderful comments. **_

**_-marci_**


	22. Chapter 22

Meredith sighs as she walks through the sliding doors of Seattle Grace Hospital. It has been two days since she was last here. Since she last talked to Derek. Since she told him that she hates him. She didn't mean the words. She wished she did. That would make not being with him so much easier. But she didn't. They just...came out. She needed him to back off. She needed him to stop pushing her. She needs him to stop loving her.

She sighs as she runs her fingers through her hair. She eyes the elevator and curses it at the same time. She would take the stairs. She would. But she is five months pregnant with twins. Twins who just decided to start kicking the hell out of her last night. Twins. Her twins. Derek's twins. Their twins. Together. They are going to be parents. Together. How in the hell is she going to do this? She can barely look at him without feeling an ache deep in her heart. How are they going to raise two children together?

She jabs at the button to the elevator with a vengence. Elevators. Elevators _were_ their thing. She used to love elevators. But now. Now everytime she steps on any elevator she gets this sinking feeling, as if she is just feeling the absence of something, and she begins to feel empty. Empty. Five months pregnant and she feels empty. How ironic is that?

Mark (in a sarcastic tone): It doesn't matter how hard you jab it, the elevator won't come any quicker.

Meredith jerks her head at the sound of Mark's voice. She didn't see him standing next to her. She was completely in her own world. It doesn't take long for Meredith to notice the purple bruise underneath Mark's left eye.

Meredith: What happened to you?

Mark smirks.

Mark: Derek happened.

A deep frown crosses Meredith's face as she looks at Mark in confusion.

Meredith: Derek?

Mark: Yup. All I had to do was mention your name and bam, I'm down on the floor.

Meredith gasps and places her hands over her mouth. She feels the tears well up. He hates her. He hates her now and as much as she thought it would make things easier, it hurts. It hurts so damn bad. Why does it hurt? She deserves it. She deserves his hate, but it still hurts. It hurts like hell. He hates her and it hurts like hell.

She feels a sob brewing in the pit of her stomach. She needs to get away. She needs to hide. She needs to find somewhere to hide. The elevator doors open, but she can't go in there. Confined. Memories. Elevator. She can't. A tear trails down her cheek as she begins to look around like a victim that is trying to escape its predator. She needs to hide. She needs to hide before she breaks down. She deserves this. She deserves his hate. He hates her and she deserves it.

Mark notices Meredith's demeanor. He reaches out to touch her shoulder, but she jerks away. She doesn't deserve his compassion. She deserves his anger, his rage, his hate. She deserves Derek's anger, Derek's rage, Derek's hate. She deserves for him to hate her. And now he does. She has gotten what she deserves. Tainted. Poison. Infected. Hated.

Mark: Meredith..

Meredith takes another step back. She can't. She doesn't deserve it. She doesn't deserve care, concern, compassion. She doesn't. She deserves his hate. She does. She does deserve it. She knows that. But it hurts. Oh God, it hurts like fucking hell. It hurts so damn bad. A slow, wrenching feeling that is tearing her apart. Pain. She deserves it. She feels so much pain. Pain she deserves, but it hurts nonetheless.

Meredith: No..I...oh God...I...he hates me...I...I deserve it...I...tainted...poison...

Mark furrows his eyebrow.

Mark: What the hell are you talking about?

Meredith looks around. The twins are kicking her. A constant reminder of the hate. His hate. _His_ hate. Twins created in love. Love that has turned to hate. Hate. Derek hates her. _Hate_. It hurts. Hurts. It hurts. Hate.

Meredith: I...I...have to go...I...

Mark reaches out and grabs her elbow, stopping her from fleeing.

Mark: He doesn't hate you. Can't you see that he loves you? Don't you see that you are breaking him? You are killing him, damn it!

Mark's voice raises in anger as Meredith whimpers. She is killing him. She is killing _him_. Oh God. It hurts. She can't. She wants to curl up and die. She wants to cease breathing. She can't. She is poison. She knew it. She knew it and Mark just confirmed it. She wants to die. She doesn't want to live. No. She can't. She doesn't want to. Make it stop. She begs for it to stop. _She_ did this. _She_ is breaking him. _She_ is killing him. _She_ is a disease. Oh God, she can't.

A small sob escapes from Meredith's mouth and she quickly places a hand over her mouth to stifle it. Mark instantly regrets his words, but he is only trying to protect his best friend, his brother, but before he can speak again Meredith jerks her elbow free. The sudden movement causes her to stumble backwards into a solid body. She feels strong hands on her shoulders but doesn't even bother to look up at the body attached to them. She doesn't need to. She smells him. It is _his _smell. She doesn't need to see his face. His broken face. His dying face. She is killing him. Oh God, she is killing him.

She turns and her heavy feet begin to move quickly. Quickly away. She can't let him see her tears. She can't let him know that she is hurting because he hates her. She deserves that hate. She runs. She needs to get away. She is killing him and that is killing her. It hurts so much. She can't. He hates her. He hates her. He hates her and she is alone. She is alone because he hates her.

_Trapped in a room covered in black,_

_Not knowing where to turn,_

_Having no where to turn._

She reaches a supply closet and jerks open the door and disappears inside. She wishes that she could disappear. She wishes that she could disappear from the world. She wishes that she could disappear from the world for forever. He would have been so much better off if he had never met her. He would be happy. He wouldn't be dying. He is dying because he met her. He is dying because she is killing him. _She_ is killing him. Meredith. Meredith is killing Derek.

_Sinking into the nothingness,_

_Slowly fading away,_

_Seeing nothing but the blackness,_

_Feeling as if it is closing in on me._

She sinks down onto the floor and her head falls onto her chest as the sound of her heart breaking escapes in a gut wrenching sob. She no longer has the will to sit up so she slowly sinks onto her side on the floor. She no longer has the will to breathe. Her heart no longer has the will to beat. Her body convulses with her complete sorrow as the world around her completely darkens. She is alone. Alone. Nothing matters. Why isn't this easier? She thought it would be easier if he hated her. It should be easier. Why does is hurt so much? She wanted this, didn't she?

_Screaming, but not hearing my voice_

_bounce off of the blackness._

Meredith rakes her nails across the tiled floor in front of her, desperate to crawl into a hole and disappear. Desperate. Desperate to be closer to hell than live in her own hell that she has created. She deserves it. He hates her and she deserves it.

_Reaching for something,_

_but finding nothing._

His voice forming the words I hate you echo in her head and she doesn't notice the door to the supply closet open. She doesn't hear the gasp and the shuffle of his feet and he rushes to comfort her. She doesn't register his presence until his scent fills her nostrils. Another sob wracks her body as he has come back to haunt her. She is killing him. She is killing him and he is haunting her.

His arms wrap around her weak body, revealing that he isn't an apparition, but is in fact, Derek in the flesh. In the flesh. In the flesh that she is killing. Another sob wracks her tiny frame. Why is he doing this? He hates her? Why does he care is she is in pain? He shouldn't care. He _hates_ her.

He lifts her from the floor and cradles her in his arms, forgetting his own anger in an attempt to make her feel better. Meredith sobs into his chest, ignoring the fact for a moment that he hates her. She allows herself to breathe him in for a moment. For a moment she breathes him in. Then it hits her and she struggles to her feet. She looks at him with bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks.

Meredith (barely above a whisper): What are you doing?

Derek (in a worried voice): I saw that you were upset, I wanted to make sure that you were okay. Are you okay?

Meredith sets her jaw as anger becomes a front for her pain.

Meredith: No. I'm not okay. Alright? I'm not okay. You say you love me and you look at me. You look at me and you look so broken and I broke you. And now you hate me, and I deserve for you to hate me. But I'm not okay. I am carrying our children. And I'm not okay. Alright?!

Derek opens his mouth and closes it again a few times before he is able to formulate words. He takes a step towards her and she backs up, frustrating him only more. His eyes darken.

Derek (in an angry voice): Do you think I want to look broken? Do you think I wouldn't rather look fucking happy? I am going to be a father. I am going to be a father and all I can think about is not being able to touch you. It makes me sick to not be able to touch you. I love you and you hate me and all I can think about is how you hate me.

Derek runs a hand frustratingly through his hair as he looks into her green eyes which are widened in shock. She can't. She. Poison. She can't. He is lying. He doesn't love her. He is just saying that. He is lying. She doesn't deserve his love, but she can't help but think about how much she wants to hear him say it again.

She notices Derek take a step towards her and she takes another step backwards, ending up against the wall. Derek doesn't stop. He walks directly to her and before she has a chance to respond his lips are crashing down on hers in a kiss full of need. He pushes his tongue into her mouth as she stands their stunned. She can already feel her lips beginning to swell under the intense pressure of his lips against hers. He can finally feel her swollen stomach pressing against him.

Once she regains her sense she places her hands on his shoulders and pushes him back. He stumbles back in shock from the force of her push. She didn't want to push him. She already feels cold and alone, but she had to. She had to for him.

Derek: What the hell, Meredith?! Are you ever going to let me back in?! Or are you going to keep pushing me away?!

Meredith sinks against the wall, needing the sturdy structure to support her. She can't let him in. She is poison. She will infect him. Tainted. Poison. She can't let him in. Everyone she lets in hurts her. She can't. She isn't strong enough. She is weak. She can't.

Meredith watches Derek pace the small length of the closet as he runs his fingers through his hair numerous times. He stops suddenly and turns to face her. She doesn't want to look at him. She doesn't want to see the hurt, the pain. She doesn't want to look. But she can't. She can't not look. Her cloudy green eyes meet his dark blue ones and she knows that he is searching her soul. She can feel him. She can feel him looking for answers that only he can find with one look.

Derek (in a low voice full of fear): Do you really hate me?

What does she do? Does she continue to lie to him? Or does she tell him the truth? She can't tell him the truth. She is scared of the truth. But does she tell him a lie? She doesn't know. She doesn't know what to do as he stands in front of her. As he stands in front of her broken and dying because of her. Because she broken him. Because she is killing him. Because he thinks that she hates him. What does she do?

Meredith opens her mouth and closes it a few time. She struggles to find her voice, but her vocal cords suddenly feel very dry.

Meredith: I...I..

_Finding myself at the end of a long hallway,_

_Having to choose which way to go._

_Which way will I choose?_

Derek: I am leaving in a couple of hours for New York. I will be back for your next appointment with Addison. I will leave my flight information at the nurses' station for you. That gives you a week and a half. You have a week and a half to think about your answer. You have a week and a half to decide what you want. I hate to do this. I hate to make it sound like I'm giving you a deadline when you deserve to take your time, but I can't. I can't take this much longer. So, a week and a half.

Derek turns and begins to walk towards the door. She watches him as he places his hand on the door knob, her eyes wide with shock. He turns back to her before leaving.

Derek: You aren't poison. You aren't tainted. I don't hate you. I love you. I love you and that should be enough. I love you and we are having children together. I want to make a family with you, Mer. I don't want anyone else. So, please, really think about. If you never do anything for me again, just do this. I won't bother you again if you say no. I will see you in a week and a half.

Meredith watches Derek walk out of the supply closet. She waits until the door closes before she sinks down to the floor. What does she do? She has no idea what to do, but she has a week and a half to decide.

_Will I follow you?_

_Or will I turn around and travel_

_along the same path once again?_

**You guys are almost caught up...there is some big stuff coming up in the next three updates...so just be ready...The poem is once again mine...there weren't very many comments after the last chapter...did you guys not like it? Just let me know what you think.**

**-Marci**


	23. Chapter 23

Meredith sits in the closet for a few more minutes, trying to grasp everything that Derek has just said to her. He loves her. He doesn't hate her. He doesn't think that she is tainted. He wants her. He. Wow. He. Wants. Her. She can't believe it. No one has ever really wanted her before. And he wants her.

She runs her hand over her stomach as she feels the twins moving around. Their twins. Maybe they could do this. Maybe. She has a week and a half to think about it. Derek doesn't think that she is tainted. Derek doesn't think that she is poison. Shouldn't that be all that matters?

She winces as she struggles to her feet. Being pregnant sucks. Being pregnant and alone sucks. She can change that. She can. Should she? Should she finally go after the thing that she wants most? He really is amazing. She knows that he is going to be a great father. She knows that. She doesn't doubt that. She just doubts herself. She doubts her ability to make him happy. Would he even be fighting for her if she wasn't pregnant?

Oh God. What if he only wants to be with her because she is pregnant? What if he doesn't really want her, but the children that she is carrying? Oh God. That's it. That has to be it. He has never really fought for her before. He has never really fought for her before so that must be it. He doesn't love her. He doesn't want her. He doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't. Oh God.

Should it really matter, though? Should it matter why, just as long as they are together? She doesn't want it to matter. She doesn't want it to matter because she wants them to be together. She does. It should be simple. It sounds simple. It sounds so simple. Meredith and Derek. Meredith and Derek together. Meredith and Derek together as they prepare to become parents. Together. It sounds simple. It sounds easy. But it is anything but simple. It is anything but easy. It is complicated. It is so damn complicated.

Complicated. Everything is complicated. This thing with Derek is complicated. Her living situation is complicated. Work is complicated. Everything seems so complicated. Why can't anything be easy? Something. Anything. Whatever. Just something. Derek wanting her for her. Derek wanting her for her would make everything else so bearable. It would make everything else so easy. It would be easy because she would have Derek. Derek. Derek. Having Derek would make everything easy.

She just needs a break. A tiny break. Five minutes. Hell, three minutes. Three minutes. Three minutes for everything to be okay. Three minutes for the world to stop and allow her to breathe. Allow her to breathe without feeling the weight of everything on her shoulders. She feels like Atlas. Where is her Heracles? Where is her Heracles to relieve the weight of the world from her shoulders from just a few minutes?

Derek. Derek is her Heracles. Derek is her Greek hero. He is her relief. Derek. It all comes back to him. Everything. All roads lead to Derek and Derek leads to relief. Derek leads to happiness. Derek leads to Meredith. Derek leads to Meredith being Meredith once again. He leads to Meredith being Meredith once again because Meredith isn't Meredith without Derek. Derek is her oxygen. Water wouldn't be water without oxygen. Meredith can't be Meredith without her Derek.

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. She doesn't understand. She doesn't understand the kinematics of the situation. She doesn't understand why she keeps moving towards him. It doesn't matter how hard she tries to run away, she is always pulled towards him. She can't. She can't. She can't fight it anymore. She doesn't have the strength. She just can't. She doesn't want to. She doesn't want to fight it anymore. She wants to be with him. She does. She really does.

He is her world. He is her world with his own gravity that just keeps pulling her. It keeps pulling her towards him. She wants to touch him again. She wants him to ground her. He keeps her so grounded. He is everything she needs. He is her world. Derek is Meredith's world. He is everything. Without him, there is nothing. Without him there is only emptiness. Empty space in which she floats aimlessly. In which she floats without purpose. He is her world. He is her everything. No stars. No tiny glimmers of hope. No guiding lights. No nothing. Nothing without him. Nothing without him because he is her everything. Derek. Derek is Meredith's everything.

Meredith straightens up as she walks down the hall. He is her everything. He is. He is her everything and that should be enough. It should be enough, but is it? It is enough? She wants it to be. She desperately wants it to be enough. She needs for it to be enough. Maybe she can make it enough. Maybe she can make just needing him, wanting him, and loving him enough. It should be enough. Right?

She really needs for it to be enough. She wants to breathe again. She wants to feel grounded again. She wants to feel complete again. She wants him. She wants to feel him again. She wants to feel his hands on her swollen abdomen as he feels their children kick. She wants to wake up in his arms. She wants to feel the slight tug on her hair follicles as he runs his fingers through her long hair. She wants to feel the beating of his heart under her palm as she lies on his chest. She wants to feel him living. She needs to feel him living. She needs to feel him living so that she can live again.

He has somehow become a necessity for her. A necessity that she refused to admit that she needed until now. He has become a resource that directly supports her life. He is her life support. Without him she is in critical condition and quickly declining. He has become the drug that kills her pain. He has become her essence of being and she can't exist without him. She no longer wants to exist without him. She wants him. She needs him. She can no longer live without him.

A week and a half. She has a week and a half to convince herself of otherwise. She has a week and a half until she faces him again. A week and a half. She knows that she needs. She knows what she wants. She knows. But what will she do about it? Will she go after it? Will she tell him she loves him? Will she? She still doesn't know. She knows how she feels. She knows what she wants and what she needs. But she still doesn't know. She still feels like poison. She still feels tainted. So, she doesn't know.

She sighs as she runs her fingers through her hair. Her arguments and her reasons are failing her. She doesn't know how much longer she can deny herself what she so badly wants, what she so badly needs, what she so badly desires.

A week and a half.

She sighs as she reaches the nurses' station.

Bailey: About damn time you showed, Grey. Your interns are waiting for you.

Meredith turns on her heel and looks at the short woman. Her mouth falls slightly agape.

Meredith: My interns?

Bailey snorts as she laughs sarcastically.

Bailey: Apparently the Chief thinks that you are ready. So, get to it. They are waiting.

Meredith just nods as she walks over to the small group standing only feet from her. She notices the petite brunette whom she noticed her first day back.

Meredith: Um…I'm Dr. Grey and I guess I am your new resident.

The brunette sticks out her hand.

Brunette: I'm Dr. Grey as well. Dr. Lexie Grey.

Meredith's mouth falls open.

_Oh shit._

**_Okay guys, you are almost there...oh..and Lexie in this fic is NOT the girl in the bar...she is only mer's sister...Dakotalady...the next three updates are some of the best...and yeah...I hope you don't give up on it...because it gets better...I promise..I'm already writing better and you guys are almost caught up...I would like to reiterate that I only write happy endings...so yeah..hope you like. _**

**_-Marci_**


	24. Chapter 24

**The song is Paramore's My Heart**

Today is the day. Today is her doctor's appointment. Today it has been a week and a half. Today is the day when Derek comes back. Today is the day when she has to make her decision. Today. So monumental. So big. So life changing. Today. Wow.

This past week and a half has been…well it has been hell. She met her sister Lexie. Her sister Lexie who works as an intern at the same hospital as her. The daughter of her father who hates her. It has been weird. It has been hard. And she has had to deal with it all alone. All alone. She doesn't want to have to do this stuff alone, but is it right to put it on Derek? She doesn't know.

She has wanted nothing more this past week than to call him. She has wanted to call and talk to him, to hear his deep, soothing voice. She has wanted nothing more than to call him and let him know that the twins were kicking the hell out of her. She has wanted nothing more.

She runs her hand over her large abdomen. Her doctor's appointment is in an hour. She hopes that he makes it. She wants him to be there. She does. She does. She wants to be able to smile at him in the halls. She wants to talk to him about the evil looks that all of her former friends give her. Well, all of them but Alex. Alex. Her only ally in this war. A war that she started.

She sighs as she leans back on the railing of the bridge and looks out at the front of the hospital. She hears laughing and looks down and sees her former roommates all laughing together. It hurts her. It hurts her that they are so angry with her. She knows that she deserves that anger. She knows that she does, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. She was always there for them. She was always understanding. So, why is it the moment that she needs them to be understanding, they all turn their backs on her?

Derek wasn't. Derek wasn't angry with her. He was happy to see her. He was hurt. She hurt him. She hurt him but he forgave her. He forgave her because he loves her. He loves her. Derek Shepherd loves Meredith Grey. He does. He forgave her and he wants her back after she has been so horrible to him.

Maybe she has been wrong. Maybe her whole train of thought has been completely wrong. Maybe she is to him what he is to her. Maybe she isn't a poison to him, but a sieve. Maybe.

_I am finding out that maybe I was wrong  
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone_

She needs him. She does. She needs him. She wants him. She loves him. Oh God, she loves him. She loves him so much. Has she already screwed up too much? Will he still want her? Does she really deserve him? What should she do? What if she tells him that she wants to be with him, but he changed his mind?

_Stay with me, this is what I need, please?_

She can't take it. She can't take it if he rejects her. She just can't. Should she take the chance? Should she take the chance and go after the only thing she really wants? The only thing she really needs? She isn't the same without him. Not anymore. He transformed who Meredith Grey is and she can't go back to the old form. She doesn't want to. But the new Meredith, the new Meredith Grey depends upon Derek Shepherd. She needs something of Derek Shepherd to survive. He is her blood supply, her oxygen, her life force.

_Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?_

She is nothing without him. She doesn't want to be anything without him. That should make it easy, right? Why isn't it as easy as it should be? Why is she putting up this futile resistance? Derek is a force that Meredith can't resist. To deny Derek is to deny herself. To hate Derek is to hate herself. To love Derek is to be complete.

_I am nothing now and it's been so long  
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope_

He is her only chance. He is her only change at the happily-ever-after fairy tale crap that has been shoved down her throat continuously. He is it. Her is her only hope. Her only chance. Her only everything. He is it. He is it for her. He is. But is it enough? She just needs something, anything, to let her know that this won't backfire. She just needs a sign. A push. Anything.

_This time I will be listening._

Why is she so scared? She knows that he is it? So why is she so scared? Maybe it is because she has never even had a partial plotline from the fairytale and now she has the prospect of the whole damn thing. Prince. Castle. Ending. Love. Everything. It is a little overwhelming. But where is she without him? Is she the spinster with the hundred cats who eats cat food after her children grow old and leave her all alone? Will she fade to nothing if she loses her everything? What will happen to Meredith Grey without Derek Shepherd? Does she even want to know? What happens when something loses its everything? Does it fade to black? Will Meredith Grey cease to exist without the presence of Derek Shepherd in her life? Does she want to continue living without him?

_Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you  
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?_

No. She doesn't. She can't. She can't live without him. She knows that. She lives for him. She lives to see his smile. His smile that reaches his eyes. She lives to see him glance up at her in the gallery as she watches him, pride swelling in her heart. She lives to see him look at her through his surgical gear and tell her how much he loves her simply with a look. A look that lasts no longer than a moment. Their look. A look that is theirs just as much as she is his. She is his. He has her. He has her heart. He has all of her. He has all of her and she can't live without him. She doesn't want to live without him. She won't. She can't. She needs him.

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
This heart, it beats, beats for only you_

Derek Shepherd. Derek Shepherd is her other half. He is her better half. He is more than her half. He is all of her. He has become all of her. He has become a necessity. She can't live without him. She can't. She wants him. She wants to love him. She wants to fall asleep in his arms at night. She wants to feel his arms around her. She wants to feel his hot breath on her neck. She wants to. She needs to. She needs him. She needs him.

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is your's_

She will tell him. She will tell him the moment that he gets off of that plane and steps into the hospital. She will tell him that she loves him and that she can't live without him. That she doesn't want to live without him. She wants to make a family with him. He is her everything and she wants him to know that. She needs him to know that. She needs him. Oh God, she can't wait to tell him. She can't wait to feel his arms around her. She can't wait to put her arms around him. She can't wait. She needs to feel him. She needs to breathe him in. She needs to feel his heartbeat against hers. She needs to tell him that she loves him. That she doesn't hate him. She loves him more than life itself.

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
My heart is your's  
(My heart, it beats for you)_

Meredith hears a commotion coming from the lobby. She sees people gathered around the television, hands over their mouth. She sees Addison. Addison has tears streaming down her face. Why does Addison have tears running down her face? Meredith walks slowly down the stairs, both afraid and anxious to see what is going on. She reaches the lobby and looks up and sees the carnage on the screen. At first she doesn't process what is going on. She doesn't know why everyone is so upset to the point that they are crying. Then she sees it. She sees the flight number. She sees the location of departure and arrival. She understands. She understands and her entire world stops. It is Derek. It is Derek's plane. It is Derek's plane and it has crashed. Derek's plane has crashed and there are no survivors.

_This heart, it beats, beats for only you  
(It beats, beats for only you. My heart is your's)  
My heart, my heart is your's  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)  
My heart, my heart is your's  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)  
My heart is your's  
My heart is your's  
(Please don't go now, Please don't fade away)  
My heart is your's  
My heart is..._

_**These next couple of updates are pretty intense...I'm not going to lie...but I think they are possibly the best updates I've ever written..**_

**_-Marci_**


	25. Chapter 25

**Tissue warning...The song is Flyleaf- All Around Me...I strongly recommend listening to it as you read the update. **

Derek is dead. Derek's plane has crashed and he is dead. Her Derek. Dead. Derek Michael Shepherd. Neurosurgeon. Expecting father. Love of her life. Dead. She can't. She can't breathe. She can't breathe. The charts that were in her hands go crashing to the floor.

Meredith: No…No….NO!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Her voice grows louder with each repetition as her body begins to grow limp. She can't. She can't. She can't live without him. She doesn't notices the sympathetic looks of her coworkers, or the curious glances of patients. She doesn't see them. All that she sees is him. She sees him and he is fading. He is fading and he is leaving her. He can't. He can't leave her. He can't. He can't be dead. He can't. She needs him. She loves him. Oh God, she can't breath. She needs him. She stretches out her arms as she reaches for him. As she reaches for anything. Something.

_My hands are searching for you_

_My arms are outstretched towards you_

_I feel you on my fingertips_

_My tongue dances behind my lips for you_

She can almost feel him. Almost. But she can't. She can't. She grasps at the air as her body begins to collapse, her legs unable to support her weight any longer as her world has come crashing down around her. Her world is crashing down and she can't. She can't stand anymore. She can't breathe anymore. She can't. She has lost her oxygen. She has lost her oxygen and she doesn't want to breathe anymore. She doesn't want to. She can't. Oh God. Gone. He is gone. She can't. He can't be. He can't. She hasn't seen him in a week and a half. Oh God. He died thinking that she hates him. Oh God. Oh God. No. NO. NO. He can't be. He can't be dead. He can't. No. No. She will die. She will die without him. She can't. She doesn't want to. No. No NO.

_This fire rising through my being_

_Burning I'm not used to seeing you_

A sob tears through her soul as a strong pair of arms stop her from hitting the surface of the hard floor. She screams in pain as she feels her heart being torn out of her chest. Pain. Hurt. She can't. She needs him. Derek. Derek. His eyes. His smile. His voice. Oh God. She will never seen them again. She will never hear them again. He will never hold her again. Oh God. He will never feel her stomach. He won't be there to hold her hand. He won't be there for hold as she falls asleep. She will never get to tell him that she loves him. Oh God. She loves him. She loves him and now he will never know. Oh God. She can't. Why? Why? Oh God, WHY?

_I'm alive, I'm alive_

She wants to die. She wants to be the one that is dead. Her. Not him. Not Derek. Not her Derek. No. He can't be. No. She can't breathe. Her chest hurts. Her heart hurts. Her soul hurts. She hurts. She hurts. She physically hurts. She can't breathe. She can't. No. No. No. No. Oh God. No. Derek can't be dead. He can't. If he is dead, she will die. She can't. She will never hear his laugh again. She…no…she…oh…no…no…she can't.

Sobs wrack her body as she is carried into an exam room. She doesn't hear the orders for oxygen. She doesn't hear anything. She doesn't hear anything but the repetitive sound of Derek's voice.

**I love you.**

He loves her. He loved her. He loved her. He loved her and he is dead. No. He can't He can't leave her. No. He can't. Why does everyone leave her? He can't. He can't. She loves him. He loves...loved...her and he can't.

**I love you.**

His voice. She can hear him. She can hear him but she can't. She can't hear him but she can. He isn't there. He is dead. He will never be there again. He will never say those words to her again. She will never hear him say those words again. Oh God. She can't. No. She loves him. She loves him. He can't be dead. He can't leave her. He can't leave her. No. He can't.

**I love you.**

_I can feel you all around me_

_Thickening the air I'm breathing_

_Holding on to what I'm feeling_

_Savoring this heart that's healing_

She runs her nails along the skin of her inner arm, wanting to free her body from its confines. She needs to be with him. She needs to get out. She needs to be with him. She needs to be with him. If he is dead then she needs to be dead. Her body. Her body is keeping her here. Her body is keeping her here and she needs to be with Derek. She needs him. She loves him. Oh God does she love him. No. He can't be. She needs to feel his arms around her. She needs to feel his breath on her skin. She needs to feel him. She needs to hear him. She needs to touch him. She needs him. Oh God.

Her breathing is still labored as she continues to scrape her nails over her skin. She ignore the voices pleading with her. They don't exist. They don't matter. The only person that matters, that has ever mattered, is gone. He is gone. He is gone and she doesn't want to live anymore. So, she ignore them as she continues to attempt to break free from her bodily prison. She needs to break free and join Derek. She needs to be with Derek. She needs him. She needs to be with him. It doesn't matter where he is. If he is dead, then she will die to join him. She needs him.

_My hands float up above me_

_And you whisper you love me_

_And I begin to fade_

_Into our secret place_

**I love you.**

He loves her. He wouldn't leave her. He wouldn't. He wouldn't. He can't. She can't. She can't and he can't. So no. No. He's not dead. No. Oh God. He promised. He promised and he can't. He can't leave her. She can't live without him. She can't. No. Why? Oh God, why? He is her Derek. He is her Derek and she is his Meredith. Who is she without him? No one. She is no one. She doesn't want to be anyone without him. She needs him. Oh God. No. No. No.

She pounds her fists on the bed as her breathing is becoming even more labored. She doesn't notice the throngs of people in the room, all of them putting their own grief and their own anger aside for her. They know that she is the one hurting the most. They know. They know but they can't help. Only he can help. Only he can help and he is dead. He is dead. He is dead. Oh God. He is dead. No.

_The music makes me sway_

_The angels singing say we are alone with you_

_I am alone and they are too with you_

**I love you.**

She needs to be with him. He is alone. He is alone and she needs to be with him. She needs to be with him. She needs to tell him that she loves him. She needs to be with him. She can't be without him. She doesn't want to.

She digs her nails even deeper into her skin, trying even harder to break free and return to her love. Her love who is all alone. Her love who is without her. Her love who is dead. The love of her life is dead and she is all alone. He is dead and she is alive.

_I'm alive, I'm alive_

She struggles against the hands that are trying to keep her grounded. They are trying to keep her grounded and away from him. They are trying to keep her away from Derek. Her Derek. She fights against them. She fights against her life. She wants to die. She wants to be with Derek. She can't live without him. She needs to be with him. She needs to feel him. She hurts. She hurts without him. She needs him to heal her. She needs him. She can't. She can't breathe. She can't breathe without him.

She needs him. She needs him and all that she has are his words. His words that keep playing over and over in her head. But they aren't enough. She needs him. She needs to see him. She needs to feel him.

_I can feel you all around me_

_Thickening the air I'm breathing_

_Holding on to what I'm feeling_

_Savoring this heart that's healing_

Oh God. Oh God. Derek. Derek. No. No. He can't. Derek. No. Please. Please come back. Derek, please come back. No. He can't. No. Derek. Please. No. No. I need you. I need you, Derek. I love you. I can't live without you. No. Derek. No. Derek. Please. Please don't leave me. Please. No. I'm sorry. Please. Please come back. I need you. I love you. Please. I don't. I can't. I can't live without you. Please. No. You can't. You can't die on me. Please. Derek. I can't. You….you…promised. You promised. You promised, damn it. You promised. You promised and I need you. I need you, Derek. I need you and I want you and I love you. Please come back. Please come back and love me. Please come back and hold me. Please come back and be with me. I need you. Please. Oh God. Derek. No. You can't. I. No. You. No.

_And so I cry_

_The light is white_

_And I see you_

**I love you.**

No. No you don't. If you loved me. If you loved me you wouldn't have left me. You wouldn't have left me alone. You would have taken me with you. Please. Please, Derek. Please come back and get me. Please. I can't. Please Derek. Don't leave me here. Don't leave me here all alone. I need you. I need you Derek. Please. Please. I don't want to live. I don't want to be alive without you.

_I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive_

I can't breathe, Derek. I can't breathe without you. I have been stupid. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I wasted time. I need you. I love you. I can't live without you. Please. Please come back to me. Please. You don't feel dead. You don't feel gone. Please. Please come back. I will love you. I won't hurt you again. I promise. Just please come back to me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. You don't feel dead. You don't. I can still hear you. Please, Derek. Please.

_I can feel you all around me_

_Thickening the air I'm breathing_

_Holding on to what I'm feeling_

_Savoring this heart that's healing_

We haven't had enough time. We need more time. I need more time. It's not enough. I need more. I need you. I can't, Derek. I can't do this alone. I love you. I need you. I can't. Please come back. We need more time. We were supposed to have forever. We were supposed to have forever together. I can't live forever without you. I can't live a moment without you. I need you. Please Derek. Please. Please come back for me. Please. If you can't come back, I will come to you. I will find you. I need you. I love you. I don't hate you. I love you. Please. I love you. Take me with you. Please.

_Take my hand_

_I give it to you_

_Now you owe me_

_All I am_

_You said you would never leave me_

_I believe you_

_I believe_

Meredith's hysterics leave her blind to her surroundings as the loss of Derek completely overwhelms her senses. She needs him. She feels numb without him. He was her life force. He is what made her alive and she can't live without him. She is blind to the oxygen mask that is on her face. She is blind to the fetal monitors that have been placed around her abdomen. She is blind to the IV that has just been inserted into her arm with sedatives. They are having to sedate her for both her health and the health of the twins.

But Meredith doesn't notice. She doesn't notice that her fellow former interns are all gathered outside of her door, tears streaming down their faces as they watch her fall as the ground beneath her feet has been ripped away. But she doesn't notice. She doesn't see. She doesn't see the Chief or Addison hovering around her, monitoring her through their own grief. She doesn't see this. She doesn't hear the sound of the beeping monitors. All that she hears is Derek's voice. Derek perfect voice saying those three perfect words over and over again.

**I love you.**

He keeps saying those perfect words that she will never hear again. He keeps saying those words but he no longer has a voice. His voice is gone. His voice is gone with the rest of him. He is gone. He is gone and Meredith is slowly dying. She is slowly dying. She is slowly dying as Derek's death begins to take hold deeper and deeper in her being. As Derek's death takes hold deeper and deeper in her being she begins to slip away. She needs him. She needs him more than anyone knows. She needs him more than anyone understands. And she really can't live without him. She sees that now. She sees how much she needs him. She sees how much she loves him. She sees how much she wants him. But it's too late. Derek is gone and Meredith is all alone. Derek is gone and Meredith is no longer Meredith. Derek is gone and Meredith is now dying.

_I can feel you all around me_

_Thickening the air I'm breathing_

_Holding on to what I'm feeling_

_Savoring this heart that's healed_

Everyone is so wrapped up in Meredith and their own grief that no one notices the familiar dark-headed figure walk through the front doors of the hospital with several females following behind him.

**Okay...so...this is Meredith's low point...like Derek's low point earlier...he kept repeating her words of I hate you..and she can't stop about him saying I love you...I hope you guys liked the update...Let me know what you think...the next one? Yeah...it's pretty intense as well...but you will see...**

**-marci**


	26. Chapter 26

_**This is my all time favorite update. I hope you guys enjoy it. You are almost caught up with where the fic actually is at the moment. Let me know what you think.**_

_Everyone is so wrapped up in Meredith and their own grief that no one notices the familiar dark-headed figure walk through the front doors of the hospital with several females following behind him._

Derek inhales deeply as the double doors open in front of him. A week and a half. He has been gone for a week and a half and now he is back. He is back and today is the day that Meredith is supposed to tell him what she wants. Today is the day that they are supposed to find out the sexes of the twins. That is why he took an earlier flight. He didn't want to run the risk of missing her appointment. He would not miss her appointment. He refused to miss anything. He wants to be there for it all. He wants to be there for it all with her.

Unfortunately, the moment that he told his mother and sisters about his impending fatherhood they all decided that they would accompany him. They don't understand how complicated things are. They don't understand that at all.

Derek looks around the hospital and that is when he stops in his tracks. Everyone looks so sad, like someone died. He spots Mark over by the nurses' station and his mouth falls slightly open. Mark is crying. Mark doesn't cry. Derek walks towards him, but no one notices Derek's presence. He leans against the nurses' station, but Mark keeps his head down.

Derek: Who died?

Mark jerks his head up and he jumps back slightly. He blinks a couple of times, almost as if he is afraid that it is just his imagination playing tricks on him.

Mark: You did.

Derek starts back and stares at Mark for a moment.

Derek: What?

Mark points up to the television screen where the carnage from the plane crash is being televised. Derek stares at the screen and his mouth falls open. His family standing behind him claps their hands over their mouths as they stare at the screen.

Mark: We thought you were on that plane.

Derek doesn't take his eyes off of the screen as he answers.

Derek: I was supposed to be, but I changed my flight. I didn't want to miss Meredith's appointment.

Derek finally tears his eyes away from the screen as he feels Mark's strong arms wrap around him. Derek doesn't fight the embrace, but stands there numbly. He was supposed to be on that flight. He could be dead right now. He could be. Oh God.

Derek: Where's Meredith?

Mark pulls back and looks at Derek. He had forgotten about the state she was in.

Mark: They had to take her to an exam room to attempt to calm her down. She was freaking out.

Derek's eyes widen as he feels the panic within him begin to rise.

Derek: Is she okay?

Mark just shakes his head.

Mark: I don't know, man. I think they are having to sedate her right now.

Derek: Where is she?

Mark begins walking and Derek follows him. He feels as if his feet could not carry him fast enough. He forgets that his family is trailing behind them. His only thoughts are on Meredith and needing to see her. Everything else, all of the pain and the problems of the past few months, melt away.

They approach the door of the exam room and Derek can hear her sobs. They tear at his heart strings and cause him to begin to run. He needs to reach her. He needs to take away her pain. He needs to. All of her friends are standing around her door and they turn to look at him as they hear someone approaching. He fails to notice the tears in their eyes as their mouths fall agape in shock at his reappearance from the dead.

He skids to a halt in the doorway to her room and the sight before him brings tears to his eyes. Chief is holding down her arms as Meredith struggles against his grip. Addison is standing next to Meredith, tears running down her cheeks, as she tries to replace the oxygen mask over her face. Derek's eyes quickly take in Meredith's tangled hair and tear stained face. He notices the look of anguish and pain on her face before his eyes travel further down her body. Her body is contorted as she struggles against the Chief. The IV in her arm threatens to be pulled out as she struggles. He then notices the fetal monitors that are wrapped around her stomach. It is as his eyes are resting on her stomach that her voice reaches his ears.

Meredith (sobbing): No. NO. Let me go. No. I can't. Please. Let me go. I need him. I can't. Oh God. No. No. NO. NO. He can't. He…no…Let me go to him…please…I don't…NO…Oh God..

Derek feels the tears running down his cheeks. No one has noticed him yet. His family stands behind him, tears now running down their cheeks as they watch the scene in front of them. Derek takes a step into the room.

Derek: Meredith.

He is hoping to make her aware of his presence, of the fact that he isn't dead. All of the heads in the room snap in his directions, all of them but Meredith's. Addison puts her hand over her mouth as she stares at him. The Chief opens his mouth a couple of times before he is able to find words. Meredith. Meredith's screams in anguish as she believes that his voice is originating in her mind.

Meredith (almost screaming): Please. Please come back for me. Please, Derek! Oh God!

Sobs shake her body and she curls into herself as the Chief releases her from his grip.

Chief: We thought..

Derek takes a few more steps into the room.

Derek: I took an earlier flight.

The Chief nods and quickly wipes away the tears that have fallen. Addison clears her throat.

Addison: We have given her a sedative, but it isn't working. You need to get her to calm down, Derek. Her BP is too high.

Derek doesn't take his eyes off of the shaking form that is lying on the bed in front of him. The Chief steps out of his way as Derek approaches the bed.

Derek: Meredith.

A loud and anguished groan escapes Meredith as she curls up into an even tighter ball. The fetal monitor starts to beep loudly as she moves it out of place.

Derek takes another step forward so that he is now standing next to the bed. He reaches down and places his hand on her shoulder.

Derek: Meredith.

Meredith turns abruptly and stares at him. Her eyes widen as she stares at him for a moment. She quickly jumps up and reaches out to him, the IV ripping out of her arm, but she doesn't feel it. She doesn't care. She reaches out and begins grasping at Derek, needing to touch him, needing to feel him, needing to know that he is really there.

As soon as her fingers graze the soft material of his sweater she starts crying anew. Derek runs his fingers through her messy hair as she clutches his sweater in her tiny fist.

Meredith: Derek? Derek??

Derek leans down and places a soft kiss on her forehead.

Derek: Shh…it's okay…I'm here…

Meredith shakes her head forcefully. There is blood trailing down her arm, but she doesn't notice.

Meredith: You're dead. Your plane crashed. You're dead. You left me. You promised you wouldn't leave me.

Derek cups Meredith's face in his hands..

Derek: I took an earlier flight, Meredith. I'm here. I'm here, Mer. I'm not leaving you. I promise. I am here.

It finally dawns on Meredith that Derek is alive and she begins to run her fingers quickly but softly over his face. She wants to memorize him. She wants to engrain him into her memory. She wants to feel him alive beneath her touch.

She runs her fingers over his chest until they come to rest at the hem of his sweater. She begins to tug on it. Derek chuckles, trying to make light of the situation.

Derek: I don't think now is the time, Mer.

Meredith ignores him as she tugs harder.

Meredith: I need to hear it. I need to feel it. I need to feel your heart, Derek. I need to feel you breath. I need to feel you live. I need to…

Meredith begins to sob again and Derek quickly reaches down and pulls his sweater over his head. He lies down on the bed next to Meredith as she tries to pull him down. He unbuttons his undershirt as Meredith's soft hands continue to roam over him. Meredith's tears wet his shirt as she waits impatiently to be able to feel his chest, to feel his life. The blood from her arms begins to stain his shirt as well, but she still doesn't notice.

As soon as Derek's chest is exposed Meredith places her ear over his heart and she rests her hand on in front of her face. That is when Derek feels her blood that is beginning to run down his chest. He brushes a strand of hair out of her face as he can feel that she is already beginning to calm down.

Derek looks at Addison and motions to Meredith's arm. She nods and walks over to retrieve something to clean up the blood and to stop the bleeding. But Derek's attention is quickly drawn back to Meredith as he feels her tears on his chest.

Meredith: I love you. I love you. I don't hate you. I love you. I have always loved you. Oh God, I love you.

Meredith begins to sob again as she tries to get even closer to him. Derek runs his hand over her back as he feels her stomach pressing into him. It is the first time he has ever felt her stomach.

Derek: I love you too. I have always love you, Mer. I'm here. I'm here.

Meredith (sobbing): You can't ever leave me. Please. Please don't leave me, Derek. I can't….I can't live without you.

Derek looks at her shaking form through the tears in his eyes.

Derek: I promise I will never leave you, Meredith. I promise.

Meredith sniffles in response as Addison hands the materials that Derek asked for to him. He lifts her bleeding arm off of his chest and begins to clean her up. She lets him. She doesn't protest. She doesn't protest as the rise and fall of his chest combined with his still beating heart attest to his existence.

As soon as Derek finishes bandaging Meredith's wound and cleaning up her blood he looks up and meets several crying faces. All of her friends, his family, Addison, Mark, and the Chief are all watching them with tears cascading down their faces. He feels Meredith's body begin to relax in his arms as the sedative finally begins to kick in. Derek continually runs his hand up and down her back as her breathing deepens.

His family sees her love for him as does everyone else. Meredith is no longer the only person who doesn't know that Meredith loves Derek.

Derek looks up at Addison as she readjusts the fetal monitor that is strapped across Meredith's abdomen. Derek smiles weakly at her through his tears as she reaches down and squeezes his hand gently. Addison then exits the room, the rest of their audience exiting with her. Cristina comes back and closes the door, granting the famous couple their much needed privacy.

Derek feels his eyes getting heavy as Meredith's deep breathing signals her deep, drug induced slumber. For the first time in what seems like forever, Meredith and Derek fall asleep in each other's arms.

**This entire fic has been leading to this update. This update was what started this fic. I was lying in bed...and this scene came to mind..and that is how this fic was created...The fic isn't over...by any means...but yeah...I really hope you liked it and I hope it was worth the wait.**

**-Marci**


	27. Chapter 27

Derek opens his eyes and looks down at Meredith's sleeping form. Her ear is resting against his beating heart and there is a small amount of drool that has fallen onto his chest. He wants to chuckle. He wants to make fun of her for this later. But he can't. He can't do that. She looks so…broken. Even in her sedated sleep she looks broken. Her hair is ratted up, her arms are scratched, and her face is stained with tears.

He runs his thumb softly over her forehead, wanting to feel her under his touch. She moves her hand slightly and he reaches down to clasp her tiny ineffectual hand in his larger one. She immediately grasps his hand, almost as if she is holding onto him for dear life.

Derek doesn't really know what to think about anything. He was supposed to be on that plane. He was supposed to be on the plane that crashed. He could be dead. He would have missed everything. He would have missed seeing Meredith smile again. He would have missed hearing her giggle. He would have missed being with her again. He would have missed the birth of his children. He would have missed it all. He would have missed it if it wasn't for his love for Meredith. Once again she saved him. His love for her saved him.

He hugs her closer to his body, needing to be as close to her as she needs to be to him. She finally told him that she loved him. She finally told him and her reaction to his non-death exemplified her feelings to everyone.

He runs his free hand up and down her back, her skin warm under his touch. She groans lowly and cuddles closer to him. He feels her stomach pressing against him harder than ever. His children are near him. His children are closer to him than they have ever been. His children. Their children. His and Meredith's children. Twins. Theirs. Wow.

He looks down and stares at Meredith for a moment. Her eyes begin to slowly open and he begins to run his fingers through her hair, trying to sooth her awake. Her eyes are cloudy and swollen from a mixture of tears and sedatives. Her eyes widen and she clings to Derek even more when she realizes where she is.

Derek: It's okay, Mer. I'm here. I'm here.

Derek's voice is low and soothing and she almost immediately calms down. However, she doesn't relax her grip on him. He can feel a few hot tears hit his chest as her fingers run through the patch of dark curls on his chest. Derek notices Meredith wince.

Derek: What is it?

Meredith bites down on her bottom lip.

Meredith: I need to go to the bathroom.

Derek chuckles as he runs his hand up and down Meredith's side.

Derek: Well, go then.

Meredith hugs him tightly.

Meredith: I don't want to.

Derek looks down at her and stares at her intently. Then it hits him.

Derek: Oh, Mer.

He tries to sit up but Meredith doesn't move.

Derek: Mer, look at me.

Meredith looks up at Derek from her position on his chest. He runs his fingers back through her hair. She can feel his hot breath on her face.

Derek: I'm not going anywhere. I will stay right here.

Meredith bites down on her bottom lip.

Meredith: Promise?

Derek: I promise.

Meredith nods before pushing herself up into a sitting position while still gripping Derek's hand. He squeezes her hand lightly for encouragement. Meredith finally releases her grip and stands to her feet. She begins to walk towards the bathroom, but stops at the door and turns to face him.

Meredith: Der?

Derek: Yeah?

Meredith: I love you.

Derek smiles warmly at her, his eyes lighting up with happiness.

Derek: I love you too.

Derek watches as Meredith disappears into the bathroom, leaning back with a sigh once the door clicks shut. His shirt remains open, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care if the entire hospital see his chest. It is what Meredith's needs and he only cares about fulfilling those needs.

There is a light knock on the door.

Derek: Yeah?

The door creaks open slowly and Addison sticks her head in. She looks around the room.

Addison: Where's Meredith?

Derek: Bathroom.

Addison walks into the room.

Addison: How is she?

Derek sighs as he shrugs.

Addison: Derek…I..

Before Addison can finish speaking, the bathroom door opens and Meredith steps back into the hospital room. Addison smiles warmly at Meredith. Meredith instantly turns her gaze to Derek and returns to his side. Derek wraps his arms around her as he places a soft kiss on her hair.

Addison: I just came to see how you are doing…

Meredith glances at Addison from the safety of Derek's arms.

Meredith: I'm better.

Derek runs his hand up and down Meredith's back as he watches her intently.

Addison: Well, I would like to check your vitals again before you leave. Are you still feeling the sedative?

Meredith just nods as she snuggles into Derek's warm body.

Addison: We can discharge you if everything checks out and you can go home and rest, but only if someone goes with you.

Meredith clings to Derek even more.

Derek: I'm going with her.

Addison just nods. She turns to walk out of the room before stopping abruptly and turning to face them.

Addison: Oh, I almost forgot. Were you still wanting to find out the sexes of the twins?

Meredith looks up at Derek and he smiles warmly at her.

Derek: It's up to you, Mer.

Addison: Well, if we wait much longer we might not be able to tell.

Meredith: Okay.

Addison smiles.

Addison: I will be back shortly.

Addison leaves the room, leaving the two of them alone once again.

Meredith sighs as she leans her forehead against Derek's bare chest.

Meredith: I'm sorry.

Derek can feel her hot tears trail down his chest.

Derek grabs her shoulders and forces her to look at him.

Derek: For what?

Meredith: For everything. For leaving, for hurting you, for telling you that you were just a sperm donor, for telling you I hate you…

Derek places a finger over Meredith's lips, shutting her up.

Derek: It doesn't matter. None of that matters any more. All that matters is that you are here, in my arms. None of the other shit matters.

Derek leans forward and plants a kiss on Meredith's forehead. A small sob escapes from Meredith as she collapses against him. He wraps his arms around her and whispers comforting words into her ear.

After a few minutes she leans back and looks up at him. He reaches down and wipes away her remaining tears.

Meredith: I'm okay.

Derek cocks his head to the side and smiles at her.

Derek: You're okay.

Meredith sighs before leaning against him again.

Meredith: This feels so good.

Derek: What?

Meredith: Being in your arms again. I feel like I'm finally home.

**There are only like 2 or 3 updates until you guys are all caught up. Thanks for all of your comments. I really do appreciate them. I'm sorry that I'm unable to respond to all of them, but with 8 different fics being posted on this site and taking a full load of science courses I just don't have the time. But I do read every single one of them and I appreciate each one. It makes it easier to write for some reason knowing how people feel. So, once again, thank you all for your amazing feedback.**

**-marci**


	28. Chapter 28

Derek tries to move out from under a sleeping Meredith. Apparently the sedative is still working in her system, and shortly after she curled up in his arms she was fast asleep. He can't help but chuckle as her loud snores fill the room. He wants to stay here for forever. He wants to hold her for forever. But his bladder. His bladder is commanding him to get up and go to the bathroom. He doesn't think that he can wait much longer.

So, here he is trying his best to maneuver himself out from under Meredith's body without waking her. He manages to get one leg free and then another. He figures that if anyone walked in right now they would have a good laugh. His legs are dangling off of the side of the bed while his torso is still pinned down by Meredith's body.

He places his large hands on her shoulders and slowly lifts her up off of him. She doesn't stir. She doesn't stir until he is completely free and standing next to the bed about to head into the bathroom. It is then that Meredith jerks awake and sits up quickly in the bed. Her eyes searching around her almost as if she is lost.

Meredith (in a frantic voice): Derek?! Derek?! Where are you?

Derek immediately rushes back to her side and kneels down beside her. He runs his fingers continuously through her hair as he tries to calm her down.

Derek (in a soothing voice): I'm right here, Mer. I'm right here.

Meredith looks up at him with tear-filled eyes before wrapping her arms around him. This isn't her. This isn't the Meredith that he is used to. She has never been clingy before. He can't say he doesn't like it. But it isn't her. She must have been really scared. He can't even imagine what it would be like to think that he had lost her. Hell, he probably wouldn't let her out of his sight.

Meredith (still a bit frantic): Where….where are you going?

Derek runs his finger slowly over Meredith's jaw line.

Derek: I was just going to the bathroom.

Meredith shakes her head.

Meredith: You can't. You can't leave me. I…you just can't…I need you…I can't…You can't…

Derek: Shh…it's okay, Mer. I'm not going to leave you. I'm just going to the bathroom. I have to go to the bathroom.

Meredith swings her legs over the side of the bed. Derek gives her a questioning look.

Derek: Where are you going?

Meredith looks at him, her eyes determined.

Meredith: With you.

Derek's mouth falls agape as he stares at her. She isn't joking. Earlier it wasn't this bad. She went to the bathroom earlier. He can tell that this is what she really needs and he wants to give her what she needs.

Meredith: I won't watch.

Derek chuckles.

Derek: I'm not worried about that. It's not like it's something you've never seen.

Meredith gasps slightly before smacking Derek lightly on the arm. She giggles but it quickly dies away on her lips. She stares at him before lifting her hand up and tracing his jaw line gingerly with her small fingers.

Meredith: I thought I had lost you.

Derek reaches up and grabs Meredith's wrist. He looks deep into her eyes.

Derek: You could never lose me, Mer. I'm always yours. I've always been yours. Hell, you couldn't get rid of me if you tried.

Meredith laughs through the tears that have begun to gather in her eyes. She leans her forehead against his.

Meredith: Thanks for not dying.

Derek: Thanks for loving me.

Meredith (in a whisper): Always.

Derek smiles at her.

Derek: Mer…I hate to ruin the moment…but…

Meredith giggles as she gets up off of the bed and follows him into the bathroom. She sits down on the side of the tub and stares at the wall as Derek proceeds to empty his bladder. It's odd. It's odd because he doesn't feel uncomfortable. It's odd because he finds it strangely comforting that it isn't uncomfortable. Meredith's voice breaks through his thoughts.

Meredith(barely above a whisper): I had a dream.

Derek turns to look at her over his shoulder. He can see the tears running down her face as she stares at the wall.

Derek: When?

Meredith: Right before I woke up.

Derek: What was it about?

Derek zips up his pants before washing his hands and taking a seat next to Meredith on the side of the bathroom. She leans her head against his shoulder. He wraps his arm around her shoulder and begins to move his hand up and down her arm in an attempt to comfort her.

He notices Meredith take a deep breath.

Meredith: It was about the crash. Only…only you were there…

Meredith's voice is strangled with pain.

Meredith: It was like I was there watching you. I was there watching you when you realized that the plane was going down…..I ….was there…watching you….when…you realized…that you…were going to die….I…..I….I…was there watching you……when…when…oh God…I watched….you…die…oh God…

Meredith is reduced to sobs as she finishes a short retelling of her horrific nightmare. Derek removes his arm from her shoulder and kneels down in front of her. He cups her cheek in his hand.

Derek: Mer….Mer…look at me..

Meredith allows for her green eyes to lock with Derek blues. He sees the fear. He sees the pain. He sees her soul. He sees it all.

Derek: I love you. I [ilove[/i you. I am here and I love you. We are here together. We are both here now and that's all that matters. We are going to have two wonderful children together. We are going to be a family. Mer, you have to think about that. You have to think about the future that we are going to have. You can't dwell on the what ifs. You just can't. I am here. I am here and I love you.

Meredith lunges forward and wraps her arms around Derek's neck. He can feel her hot tears trailing down his chest. He runs his hands up and down her back as he attempts to comfort her.

Meredith: Oh God, Der. I can't live without you. I can't. I almost lost you. I thought I had lost you and it almost killed me. I can't. You can't. I can't stop thinking about what it would be like without you. I can't stop. I can't believe I was so stupid. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I was so stupid that I didn't see it. I'm so sorry.

Derek: Didn't see what?

Derek now has tears trailing down his face. Meredith can invoke his emotions like no one else. Before her he hadn't cried since his father died.

Meredith: I didn't see it. I didn't see that I couldn't. I didn't see that I couldn't breathe without you. I don't want to breathe without you. I don't even want to try. Please…please…don't ever…never..please..

Derek grabs Meredith's shoulders and forces her to look at him. They stare at each other through their clouds of tears, but they are both still able to read each other.

Derek: Meredith. Meredith Grey, I cannot promise that I'm not going to die. I can't. But I can promise that I am going to fight like hell to stay with you. I am going to fight like hell to stay with you because anything less than forever just isn't long enough.

Meredith opens her mouth to speak, but a female voice floats through the room. They continue to maintain eye contact, but Derek finds his voice.

Derek: Be out in a minute!

Derek looks closely at Meredith.

Derek: Are you okay?

Meredith sighs.

Meredith: I'm better.

Derek nods before standing up. He reaches his hand down to her and she eagerly places hers in his. He smiles at her before the words roll of his tongue, the mere thought of them causing his heart to swell.

Derek: Are you ready to go find out the sex of our children?

Meredith can hear the excitement in his voice and can't help but feeling some of her own. Knowing that he is going to be there, knowing that [ithey[/i are going to be there together, that makes everything so much better. For the first time in her pregnancy, Meredith feels like she may be able to be a part of a real family.

As Derek leads Meredith out of the small bathroom a thought occurs to Meredith. Maybe Derek is the anti-venom to her poison. Maybe he is her cure. Maybe isn't the right word. Derek is her anti-venom. Derek is her cure. Derek Michael Shepherd is her everything.


	29. Chapter 29

Derek guides Meredith into the hospital room with his hand on her lower back. Addison is standing next to the sonogram machine smiling at them.

Addison: How are you feeling, Meredith?

Meredith: I'm still a little tired.

Addison: That is to be expected. It will take a while for the sedatives to wear off completely.

Meredith just nods as Derek helps her onto the bed. She grasps his hand, not wanting to let go. Afraid to let go. Derek leans down and kisses her on the forehead, running his fingers over his cheek as he does so.

Derek: I love you.

Meredith looks into his eyes. She reaches up and runs her fingers along his jaw line.

Meredith: I love you too.

Addison clears her throat, drawing their attention.

Addison: If you will just lift up your top, we'll get started.

Meredith nods and lifts up her scrub top, revealing her swollen abdomen. Derek gasps. He hasn't seen her bare stomach yet. Their children are in their. Only a thin layer of her skin is separating them.

Addison: Now, this is going to be cold.

Meredith just nods as she squeezes Derek's hand. Addison squirts the cold gel onto Meredith's stomach. Meredith flinches slightly and Derek looks up at her and smiles. A knock at the door interrupts them.

Addison: Yes?

The door is pushed slightly open and an elderly woman with dark hair sticks her head in through the crack.

Voice: Derek, honey, is everything okay?

Derek's eyes widen in realization. He hasn't told Meredith that his family is here with him yet. He looks at her quickly out of the corner of his eye.

Derek: Yes, Mom, everything is fine. We are just about to find out the sex. I will be out in a minute.

Mrs. Shepherd smiles at her son.

Mrs. Shepherd: Okay, dear.

Derek turns to Meredith and is surprised. She isn't freaking out.

Derek: You aren't freaking out.

Meredith: It doesn't matter.

Derek arches his eyebrows in confusion.

Derek: It doesn't matter that my family is here and I didn't tell you?

Meredith: No.

Derek: You aren't angry?

Meredith: No.

Derek: Why not?

Meredith sighs as she looks up at him.

Meredith: Because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I almost lost you. I thought I lost you and it doesn't matter because the only thing that matters right now is that you are here. You are here holding my hand and we are about to find out the sex of our children. Nothing else matters. Just this. Just us. Just you.

Derek leans down and kisses her hair with tears in his eyes. He breathes her in before leaning up again and meeting her eyes.

Derek: God, I love you.

Meredith smiles at him.

Meredith: I love you too.

Addison: I'm sorry to interrupt, but..

Derek Oh…right….sorry..

Addison smiles at them both before taking the wand and rubbing it across Meredith's stomach. Derek and Meredith collectively gasp as the heartbeats fill the room.

Meredith (awestruck): That's our children.

Derek squeezes her hand.

Derek (in a strained voice): Yeah.

Addison (pointing to the screen): Okay…there is twin A…and there is twin B…

Meredith and Derek both squint at the screen as they stare at the images of their children. Both are in complete awe.

Addison: Twin A is….a boy….

Meredith and Derek gasp as tears begin to fall down both of their cheeks.

Addison: And twin B is…another boy.

Addison removes the wand from Meredith's abdomen and begins to print out the pictures. Two boys. They can't believe it.

Meredith: Are you sure? I would hate to paint the nursery blue and buy all the stuff..

Addison laughs.

Addison: Oh…I'm sure.

Meredith arches her eyebrow.

Addison: Let's just say that both boys are already very well….developed.

Derek chuckles.

Derek: See? They are already taking after their father.

Meredith gasps as she hits Derek in the arm, before they both break out in laughter. It is good to hear her laugh again.

Derek's face becomes serious as he leans down closer to her. He brushes her hair out of her face. He is leaning down to kiss her when Meredith gasps.

Derek (worried): What??

Meredith grabs his hand and places it on her stomach. He stares at her for a moment and then he feels it. It isn't much, but it is something. He can feel one of his sons moving. He feels him for the first time. Sons. He is going to have two sons. He is going to have two sons with the love of his life. The tears begin to fall. Meredith reaches up and brushes them away before cupping his face in her hands. She looks deep into his eyes.

Meredith: I love you.

Instead of responding with words, Derek decides to show her just how much he loves her. He slowly descends upon her. His eyes never leaving hers, his hand never leaving her stomach. Their lips meet and a collective sigh of relief is released as they partake in their first kiss as a couple again.

Derek soft lips mesh into hers for a moment before her runs his tongue along her bottom lip and she sucks on his upper lip. He moves his tongue to her teeth, asking entrance into her mouth, which she grants. His tongue slowly makes its way into her mouth as he takes his time to relish every second. He grazes the roof of her mouth and feels her shiver underneath him.

Meredith runs her fingers through her hair as she pulls him closer, deepening the kiss. Everything around them disappears. Neither notice Addison leave the room. Neither care that they are in the hospital. Time stops for them as they steal this precious moment.

Both are trying to show their love for the other, a love that is incomprehensible. A love that is bigger than either of them.

Derek finally pulls away when the need for air becomes too strong. He rests his forehead against Meredith's as they both pant. He looks deep into her eyes.

Derek: Thank you.

Meredith: For what?

Derek: For choosing me.

Meredith runs her fingers through his hair again as she stares at him. She can't believe that she almost lost him. She would die without him. She needs him.

Meredith: It's always been you, Derek. It's only ever been you.

**Okay...when I started this fic I already knew the sexes of the twins...it will play into later updates...hope you liked it...you guys are almost caught up**

**-Marci**


	30. Chapter 30

Meredith leans back against Derek's chest, her fingers trailing circular patterns on his palm. She can't believe that she almost lost him. Not almost. She did lose him for a little while. She never wants to lose him again. She can't lose him again. She sighs as she feels the tiredness from the sedative taking hold once again. Derek runs his fingers through her hair before placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

Derek: Tired?

Meredith: Mmhmm.

Meredith's heavy eyes close as she breathes in his musky scent. A certain comfort fills her heart as his strong arms hold her close to his heart. She can hear the dull thud of its rhythmic beating as her ear rests against his chest. His fingers continue to run through her hair, something that he knows soothes her.

Her breathing deepens as the sound of him living comforts her. Derek looks down at her and can't help but smile. He is holding the love of his life in his arms. He can feel her hot breath against his chest as she exhales, her lips slightly open as a small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth.

His attention is drawn away from the siren in his arms by a light knock on the door. He doesn't want to wake her, so he speaks as softly as he can.

Derek: Come in.

The door creaks open and a head of dark curly hair peppered with grey appears.

Mrs. Shepherd: Is everything okay, dear?

Derek smiles warmly at his mom as he motions for her to come into the room. Meredith stirs in his arms.

Derek (whispering): It's fine. She still has sedatives in her system, so she is sleeping them off.

Mrs. Shepherd smiles down at her son before looking at the woman in his arms.

Mrs. Shepherd: She loves you.

Derek looks up at his mom with tears in his eyes.

Derek (in a strangled voice): Yeah. She does.

Mrs. Shepherd: I might not have believed it if I hadn't seen her, but now, now I can't question it.

Derek opens his mouth to speak, but Meredith stirs in his arms once again. Her eyes flutter open and she looks up at him. He smiles down at her sleep hooded eyes.

Derek: Hello, beautiful.

Meredith groans as she cuddles further into his chest. Derek runs his fingers through her long hair as he leans his mouth down next to her ear.

Derek: Mer?

Meredith groans in response. Derek chuckles.

Derek: Meredith?

Meredith's eyes flutter open and instantly meet his blue orbs. He places a soft kiss on her forehead.

Derek: I want you to meet my mother.

He can feel Meredith tense up in his arms as her eyes widen.

Meredith (in a strangled voice): What??

Derek smiles at her in an attempt to comfort her. He runs his thumb over her jaw line.

Derek: Mer, I want you to meet my mom, Stephanie Shepherd.

Meredith turns around in his arms and meets another pair of bright blue eyes. They are smiling at her. She doesn't really know what to do. She doesn't do the family thing. She smiles meekly as she clings even closer to Derek.

Meredith (in a small voice): H…hello, Mrs. Shepherd. N..nice to meet you.

Before Mrs. Shepherd can protest, the door opens and Addison enters the room. She looks up and notices them all.

Addison: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

She turns to leave, but Meredith's voice stops her.

Meredith: You didn't. What is it? Is something wrong? Are they okay? What is it?

Addison smiles warmly at Meredith as she approaches her.

Addison: Everything looks good, Meredith. Both of them look like they are perfectly healthy. However, I am still worried about your blood pressure.

Derek leans forward and places a kiss on her hair as he runs his hands up and down her arms.

Meredith: Can I go home? Please? I want to go home.

Addison smiles at Meredith as she checks the monitors.

Addison: How are they doing? Can you feel them moving?

Meredith giggles for the first time in a while, and it warms Derek's heart. She leans back and looks up at Derek as she answers.

Meredith: I think that our sons are going to be soccer players. They keep kicking me and each other.

Derek chuckles as he leans down and kisses her on the nose. He turns to his mom, who has tears in her eyes.

Derek: Mom?

Mrs. Shepherd: Twin boys. You are having twin boys.

Derek smiles brightly at his mom.

Derek: Yeah. We are having twin boys.

Derek turns his attention back to Addison as he tries to keep the tears from returning to his own eyes. He clears his throat.

Derek: So, if everything is okay, how much longer does she have to stay?

Addison: Well, I would like to wait until the sedative wears off before I send you home. So, it should be a couple more hours, but under one condition.

Meredith looks up at her.

Meredith: What?

Addison: I don't want you to go home alone. You need someone with you.

Meredith bites down on her bottom lip as she stares at Addison.

Derek: Don't worry. I will be with her.

Meredith jerks her head back. She hadn't intended on letting him out of her sight, but still him saying that he would be with her makes her eyes tear up. He looks down at her and smiles at her.

Derek: I'm not going anywhere.

As much as Meredith wants to believe his words, a fear still grips her that one day he will leave her. He will leave her all alone and she will cease breathing, because Derek Shepherd, Derek Shepherd is her oxygen and she can't live without him.


	31. Chapter 31

Derek runs his fingers through Meredith's hair as she snores against his chest. His family had left a couple hours ago after a brief introduction to Meredith and a promise of dinner before they left. He didn't want to stress her out even more.

She turns her head towards his touch as he runs his finger along her cheek, seeking out the warmth of his skin even in her sleep. Her eyes flutter open as her eyes instantly meet his.

"Hey," he says in a soft voice full of love.

Meredith smiles weakly at him as she responds. "Hey." Her voice is laced with the exhaustion that sleep isn't seeming to heal.

Derek smiles down at her as he continues to run his fingers through her ratty hair.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, his voice laced with concern and full of love.

She reaches up and runs her finger over his cheek, his stubble prickling her fingers as she does so. She looks out of the window and notices that it is dark outside.

"How long have I been asleep?"

He chuckles warmly at her question as he leans down and presses his warm lips to her forehead. She closes her eyes upon the contact, relishing in the way his lips feel against her skin.

"About four hours," he responds coolly as he reaches down and laces his fingers with hers.

She gasps in surprise.

"Seriously?"

Derek nods. "Seriously," he responds a tinge of laughter in his voice.

She stares straight ahead for a moment, almost as if she is deep in thought. Derek watches her carefully, curious about the thoughts that are currently occupying her mind. Suddenly she sits up and turns to face him, causing him to jerk back reflexively. Her eyes are full of hope as she looks at him.

"Does this mean that we get to go home?"

We. She said we and home in the same sentence. He can't help but smile at her. We. He could never hear enough of that word in reference to him and her. In reference to Meredith and Derek. We. Them. Home. Together.

" We have to wait for Addison to come back by. She stopped by once while you were asleep, but we didn't want to wake you." He pauses for a moment, considering whether or not he wants to say more. His lip curls up slightly as his decision is made. "I know how you can get if you get woken up too early."

Meredith gasps as she feigns shock and hurt before hitting him lightly in the shoulder.

"Whatever!" she says to him in defiance of his proclamation. "Just because I'm not all bright and shiny first thing in the morning as I eat my muesli and walk happily all around the house does not make me cranky!"

She folds her arms over her chest defensively as she leans her back up against his chest. His chuckle fills the small, sterile room before as he wraps his arms around her shoulders and runs his hands over her forearms. His mouth is near her ear when he speaks to her.

"I love the crankiness. It keeps me in line and it is completely adorable."

His low husky voice sends chills down her spine and causes the hair on her neck and arms to stand up.

Suddenly, something changes in her demeanor. Her body stiffens and her eyes widen. She looks at him with fear in her eyes before she places her hand firmly on his chest.

"Der…" she says in a sound that resembles a mixture between a whine and a plea.

He covers her tiny hand him and begins to run his strong fingers over the veins in her hand. Her chest is tight with fear. Fear of losing him. Fear of him not knowing that she loves him. Fear of him leaving her. Fear of him dying. Fear of motherhood. Fear of living without him. Her eyes fill with tears as she disappears into his deep pools of blue. What if she is never able to drown in those oceans again?

Derek opens his mouth to speak, but before he is able to articulate a sound the door creaks open and a head of red hair appears. She sees Meredith sitting up, so carefully steps her heel-clad feet into the room.

"How are you feeling, Meredith?" Addison asks in a warm voice.

Meredith sighs as she falls even further back into the warm arms of Derek.

"I'm ready to go home" she sighs as she runs her hand over her stomach.

Addison smiles warmly down at Meredith as she checks the monitors.

"Everything looks great, but I want you to take it easy for the next week. The Chief told me that he is giving you both the next week off. So, relax and try to keep the stress levels low." She looks pointedly at Derek before taking a few steps towards the door. "I am going to go get your discharge papers. Derek, you can either unhook her from the monitors or I will do it when I get back." She doesn't give them time to respond before she walks out of the door.

Derek looks down at Meredith, who is still staring at the door.

"Mer?"

Meredith jerks her head up and her eyes meet his. There is so much that needs to be said. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because even if it is said, even if the words do cut through the heavy silence, they will not ease her heart. They will not take away the tightness that has settled there upon her almost-loss of Derek for forever. They may take away the gaping wound, but she is still feeling phantom pain.

Derek shifts slightly under her body, moving his mouth near her ear. She can feel his hot breath lapping against her cold skin. Cold from the absence of him for so long. It is trying to warm her. He is trying to warm her. He is trying to bring her back from the edge on which she precariously balances. He has to bring her back from the edge, small step by small step. He has to bring her back, because at the bottom of that cliff are jagged rocks that threaten to tear her already fragile body.

"Mer…" he whispers, almost as if he is in reverence just of her existence. Just the whispering of her name says so much. He loves her. He needs her. He has missed her. He wants her. He breathes her. He lives for her. He is her. He is her and she is him in a way that no one else can understand. They are them and they are an entity outside of human existence. They cannot be defined by human terms, but are something aetherial, something that only the heavens can comprehend. Something that is close to perfection. Something that is unable to be broken.

It is this fact that they are unable to be broken apart, that they are fused together as one, that when Derek died, or Meredith thought that Derek died, Meredith began to die. She suffered a sort of apnea, a temporary cessation of breathing. She couldn't breathe without her oxygen. She couldn't breathe without her Derek. She didn't want to breathe without her Derek.

She twists in his arms so that she is facing him, so that she can see him, so that she can place her hand on his beating heart. His heart that beats for her. Thump. Ththump. Thump. Ththump. Beating. Pumping blood. Living. Spreading freshly oxygenated blood throughout his body. Giving him life. Allowing him to be with her. Precarious. A heart that she broke. A heart that she toyed with. A heart, a heart that she almost lost. A four chambered organ that she knows that she ripped to shreds. She wants to suture every single tear. She wants to heal every single wound. She wants to replace every single broken piece.

If she could, if it was possible, she would replace the gapes in his heart with pieces of her own. She would give him the anatomical heart that he already metaphorically possesses. She would let him have it all. She would give him her everything. These are the thoughts that run through her hand as her fingers play with the patch of dark curls that rests in between his pectorals.

She closes her eyes, allowing the rhythm of his beating heart against her hand to resonate through her body. Beating against her palm, radiating to her own heart and the hearts of their sons. The sounds of the fetal monitor echoing through the room only verify what she knows is already true. All four heart and beating synchronously. They are all one at this point. The twins relying upon Meredith for their life support and Meredith relying upon Derek for hers. They are all connected by something stronger than an umbilical cord.

Derek brings his thumb to Meredith's mouth and slowly traces the outline of her slightly parted, lightly chapped lips. He is trying to read her eyes, but they have become glazed over as Meredith has lost herself in the life of Derek. In the beating of his heart. In the rhythm of his breathing. In the essence of his being. She wants to breathe Derek. She wants to love Derek. She wants to live Derek.

A small sigh escapes past her lips and caresses his thumb gently. He feels as if it is her soul caressing him. Not caressing just his skin, but caressing all of him by touching that small area. He feels his lungs fill with fresh air and the most rejuvenating gases are exchanged during internal respiration. He breathes her in, but he doesn't breathe her out. He holds on to her. Her DNA combines with his in his red blood cells as she becomes an intrinsic part of his being.

On the plane, all that he could think about was getting back to her. He was scared. He was scared that she would say that she didn't want to be with him. He was terrified that he would lose her for forever. His sweaty palms gripped the arm rests as turbulence shook the plane, his only comfort was the prospect that she would finally let him in. He had never been afraid of flying, not really. He just never really liked it either.

He looks into her eyes. They seem so…pale. Her bright green eyes seem pale and he wants nothing more that to restore their brightness. He wants to remove the grime of sadness and replace it with the prospects of a happy future. Not perfect. But happy. Happy because they would finally be together. No more wives. No more vets. No more dying. Just them. That is all that would matter. Her. Him. Their children. Perfection.

He allows his eyes to travel over her body slowly as she continues to play with the hair on his chest while feeling his heartbeat against her palm. Her soft, perfect palm that fits like a unique key in a unique lock when inserted into his own hand. He takes in her tangled locks, not quite brown but not quite blonde. A color that he will deem Meredith. It is her color and her color only. To him it is the only hair color that exists and her hair, her ratted and tangled hair, looks amazing as is cascades in tangles over her shoulders, framing her face in an imperfect frame. A frame that only further exemplifies her defined jaw. A jaw that he could close his eyes and tell you the exact length and curvature of. A jaw that he has littered with kisses on several occasions. A jaw that she juts forward when she is trying to be defiant or when she is especially angry.

His eyes travel the few centimeters north to her pink, pouty lips. They are slightly chapped, dead, dry skin obstructing the uniform pinkness that usually defines them. Her bottom lip is fuller and sticks out just a little more, something that is only noticeable after one has explored them extensively and Derek, Derek is a master of the cavern that is Meredith's mouth. He instinctively runs his tongue over his own lips as he stares at hers. He yearns to taste them. He has been starved of their taste for so long, yet he can still taste them when he closes his eyes. The way they taste of her current lip gloss, usually cherry or strawberry, flavors that she knows drives him mad. It was cherry the day she attacked him in the elevator. The day that she crossed the imaginary line. The day that he fell just a little more. They day that Meredith wasn't just an intern, but transformed into _his_ intern. The day that the girl in the bar, became the girl for him.

His eyes run over her nose. Her cute, button nose. Their children will have her nose. He can't help but allow a small smile to curve the corner of his lips as he thinks about the way she scrunches up her nose, just like a rabbit, only cuter. She does it in the mornings, just as she is waking up. She scrunches up her nose before rubbing her hand violently across it as it still vibrates lightly from her resounding snores. She also scrunches it up when something smells horrible or looks disgusting. She tenses up her nose when she is deep in thought, like when she is reading a patient chart of reading scans. She doesn't realize she does it. But he does. He watches her. He learns her. He lives her.

His eyes finally reach back to hers. His scansion of her face and hair has only taken a couple of moments. Moments of silence filled with silent conversations. He moves his hand up and cups her face in his palm.

"Meredith," he breathes as his eyes delve deep into her soul, "I can't make your fears go away. I know that. But…I want you to know…that I will try…I will try even though I know that I can't make them go away…I will do anything I can…anything I can to at least alleviate them in any way I can."

The silence between them is heavy as neither inhale the surrounding air, but breathe in each other. He notices the tears beginning to build up in Meredith's eyes before she squeezes them shut and nods vigorously.

"Okay?" he asks, seeking the confirmation that she will at least let him try. That she will at least allow him to attempt the impossible, because for her, for her he would try to hold up her world. He would try to be her Atlas if she so much as breathed a hint that she wanted or needed for him to.

She opens her tear filled eyes and swallows the lump in her throat before responding.

"Okay," she answers in a cracked voice.

Derek smiles warmly at her as he traces her jaw line with his thumb.

"What do you say we get out of here?" he asks her as he leans forward and places a gentle kiss on her forehead.

She nods against him before he moves his body out from behind hers. She reaches out and grabs his hand, not wanting to lose physical contact with him, not when she almost lost it for forever. He takes her hand in his and squeezes it reassuringly before bringing it up to his mouth and placing a kiss on the knuckle of her forefinger.

He moves his hand towards her stomach, a stomach that he has yet to really touch. Her eyes watch his movement and notices his hesitation. She smiles warmly at him before reaching over and grabbing his hand with her free hand and placing it on her stomach. His eyes water as his fingers move slowly over her stretched skin. Her perfectly stretched and soft skin that is housing their children. Their sons. Their future. He runs his forefinger under the band that is holding the monitor in place, wanting to explore the unknown world that is the globe of her stomach.

He unfastens the strap and slides the device off of her abdomen. The monitor begins to beep loudly and he quickly reaches over and silences it. He stares down at her stomach. So perfect. She is so perfect. This moment. This moment is so perfect. He bends down at the hip, his mouth only inches from her stomach. He places his free hand on her abdomen.

"Daddy loves you both so much already," he whispers in a tear-filled voice, "and he really loves your mommy in a big way. A pretend to like your taste in music, let her eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside her window way that can only make me love her more. I'm going to take care of you guys. I promise. I am going to take care of you and your mommy."

He leans down and places a soft kiss on her stomach, a single tear escaping from the its confines and dropping onto her stomach. She releases his hand to run her fingers through his hair. He begins to lean up, but a thought occurs to him and he bends back down quickly.

"Oh…and daddy is proud that you take after him in certain areas," he says with a laugh in his voice.

Meredith begins to giggle and opens her mouth to speak when she stops suddenly. Derek looks at her with concern, but instead of answering his worry she grabs his hand and places it on the left side of her abdomen. He looks at her curiously for a minute…and then…and then he feels it. It isn't strong. It isn't much. But it is everything.

It is his son. One of his sons moving. It's slight, almost like a light ripple under her skin. If he wasn't concentrating on it, he wouldn't have noticed. He wouldn't have felt it. The tears can no longer be restrained as several fall down his cheeks. Meredith reaches up with both hands and wipes them away before placing one of her hands over his. They stare into each other's eyes and the environment disappears. All that exists in this moment of perfect is Meredith, Derek, and their sons. All that matters is the now and that they are both present to experience this moment of perfection together, because both now know how fragile life it and both fully intend on handling their lives and the lives of their children with extreme care as they never plan on allowing any of them to break ever again.

**Sorry this took so long. Life kind of sucks right now and I haven't had the time to post it. You guys are now caught up, so the next update will be posted as soon as it is written. Let me know what you think.**

**-Marci**


	32. Chapter 32

Derek leans down and places a kiss on Meredith's hair as he places his hand on her lower back. They are getting ready to leave her hospital room. The room that has been their sanctity for the past seven hours. Meredith feels a sort of tension about exiting the room that has severed them from the rest of the world. From the dangerous world. She doesn't want to leave. She doesn't want to leave the room in which she felt safe for the first time in months. She felt safe because she was in Derek's arms.

She inhales deeply before crossing the threshold. She doesn't care that her face is streaked with tears. She doesn't care that her scrubs are wrinkled or that her hair is ratted. All that she cares about is the hand that is placed on her lower back. The hand that is her center of balance. The hand that belongs to the center of her world. The hand that is keeping her grounded and offering her a support that she never knew she needed until she thought it was gone.

"Are you okay?" he breathes into her ear as they slowly make their way down the hall.

Meredith simply nods as she closes her eyes, relishing in the sensations that his hot breath against her neck sends trickling down her spine and to the various neurons throughout her body. She reaches down and grabs the hand that isn't supporting her lower back. She tangles her fingers with his, wanting as much of her skin to touch his as possible.

Derek squeezes her hand to show his support as the whispering around them increases as the continue their exodus from their momentary retreat. She doesn't even see Izzie approaching as she is so caught up in relishing in the feel of him next to her.

"Umm..Mer? We were just, George and I…we were just wondering…we would like for you to come back to the house…I mean…it is your house…and…" Izzie nervously trails off as she waits for Meredith's response.

Meredith slowly raises her head and looks at Izzie. She sees the apology written on Izzie's expression. She leans her body further into Derek's, taking the opportunity to enjoy his chest against his back as they are stopped.

"Tomorrow, Izzie. We will come back to the house tomorrow. Tonight. Tonight I just want to be alone," she says with a small smile. She feels Derek tense up behind her. "With Derek. I want to be alone with Derek," she adds and feels him sigh in relief.

Izzie smiles brightly and perks up noticeable. "Okay then…see you tomorrow?" Izzie asks, still a little uncertain.

"See you tomorrow, Iz," Meredith says before they begin walking down the hall once again.

She feels Derek tighten his grip on her hand. "So, you want to spend the night alone…with me…just me and you…all alone…" he whispers huskily into her ear. She can't help but giggle as she stops and turns around to face him, the glass doors leading to the outside only a few feet away.

She pokes him in the stomach. "You are a dirty boy, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith giggles, emphasizing each word with a stiff poke into his chiseled abdomen.

Chuckling, Derek responds," You like dirty." He is smirking as he stares down at her, his eyes full of the immense love that he feels for her.

She wraps her arms around him, linking her hands behind his back. He can feel her stomach pressing against his abdomen as she rests her forehead against his chest. She can hear his heartbeat pounding against the wall of his chest. "Correction," she says into the thick material of his sweater, her hot breath still managing to work its way through the clothing to bathe his chest, "I love dirty."

He chuckles once again as he trails his strong fingers down her spine. He can feel her muscles relaxing from his pointed touch. He hasn't chuckled this much since…forever. He tries to think. He tries to remember the last time a chuckle resonated from the depths of his gut. It was before the ferry accident. It was before they were going slow again. It was before prom. It was before Addison. The last time he chuckled this much was before Addison showed up and popped the imaginary bubble that he was living in. The bubble that he was living in with Meredith.

He runs his fingers through her hair, but they get caught up in a tangle. Instead of fighting his way through the tangle, he moves his fingers in circles along her skull. She moans in satisfaction, a moan that triggers an increase in the blood flow to the lower half of his body.

"We should go," she whispers as she feels several pairs of eyes on them as the people rush by. They are in their own little world. They are in their own little world as they stand their, holding each other and the world continues to move around them. The world continues to move around them but they are suspended in time. They want this moment to last forever. They want this moment to last forever so they are bending the boundaries of time. They are testing the elasticity of the boundaries of time because they want every moment, every millisecond of time back that they have lost.

Derek tilts his head slightly down and places a soft kiss on her hair. "We should," he breathes, causing a few strands of her hair to move slightly.

She sighs heavily as she pushes herself off of Derek's chest. She is shocked by the sight that greets her. Cristina is standing behind Derek, holding her things and waiting patiently for Meredith to notice her. Cristina takes a tentative step forward. Meredith arches an eyebrow as she stares at Cristina.

"Your things," Cristina says as she pushes them into Derek's open arms," you forgot your things." She takes a step back and waits for Meredith's response.

"Thanks," Meredith responds, somewhat in shock.

"We don't have to do the thing, do we?" Cristina asks.

"The thing?"

"Yeah. The thing. You know, we hug and cry and I apologize and stuff. The thing."

Meredith giggles as she shakes her head no. "We don't have to do the thing."

"Good."

"Good."

"So, we're good then?" Cristina asks.

"We're good," Meredith responds while nodding. Cristina sighs, smiling lightly before turning around and walking away.

Derek looks down and smiles at her. "That was good," he says, trying to gauge her reaction.

Meredith smiles up at him as she runs one of her hands down his back. "It was," she exhales.

"You ready?" he asks her as he throws her bag over his shoulder.

She looks up at him and smiles. "I think so, " she says as she reaches out her hand.

He glances at her hand a moment before placing his own in hers. His fingers graze slighting over her palm as they make their way to interlock with hers. She squeezes his hand tightly as the glass doors open in front of them. They open up to the dangerous world. The dangerous world that threatens their time together. It threatens to end their already too-short amount of time together.

He begins to walk towards the parking lot. She stops in her steps. He feels the tug on his arm and immediately turns around.

"What's wrong?" he asks, confusion etched on his brow.

"I didn't drive. My car isn't here," she responds. There is something in her voice. Something is off, but he doesn't know what it is. He doesn't know that a part of her, a very large part of her, fears getting in a car. That same very large part fears him getting in a car. Car crashes are more common than plane crashes. Car crashes are way more common than plane crashes. Yet, there was a plane crash today. A very rare plane crash. The same plane that Derek was supposed to be on crashed. She doesn't want to risk it. She doesn't want to test the already tempted fates. The thread is to thin. She is afraid that it will snap.

He smiles at her as he tilts his head to the side. His McDreamy look that he gives with his perfect McDreamy eyes. "I have my car here. I drove it from the airport," he says with a smile as he tugs lightly on her hand. She doesn't budge as she bites down on her bottom lip and forces the tears to remain at bay. He takes a step towards her. "What is it, Mer?"

The tears make an appearance in her eyes and blur her vision slightly. He immediately closes the distance between them and wraps his arms around her. She buries her head in his chest, against his heart, something she can't seem to do enough of today.

She struggles to breathe as the heavy atmosphere of the surrounding dangerous world closes in on her. "The car…crash…bam…boom…can't…you…no…please…," Meredith sputters as she begins to sob against his chest.

He pulls her body as close as her stomach allows, running his hands up and down her back as he attempts to comfort her. "Mer.." he whispers, "Mer…I'm here and yeah…the world is dangerous, but we can't stop living. We can't stop living because we are afraid to die. We just can't. I freakishly escaped a plane crash because I wanted to be with you. I am alive, Mer[iwe[/i are alive. We cannot let this plane crash claim two more victims. We can't," Derek says adamantly, trying to convince himself as much as her.

He feels her nod against his chest before he reluctantly pulls back. He looks down into her tear-filled eyes. He reaches up and brushes away the remnants of the tears shed against his chest. "What do you say we go start living, together?" he says softly as he smiles at her.

She smiles as she nods slightly. She wants to live with Derek. Not just physically. She wants to spiritually live with Derek. She wants to live with him even after she stops breathing. Derek is her forever. She takes a step towards Derek, ready to start their forever together now.


	33. Chapter 33

Meredith wraps her arms around Derek's torso as he punches the button on the elevator in her hotel. She is basking in their proximity. In the way his taut muscles feel under her touch. She rests her cheek on his back as he places his hands on hers, somewhat taken aback by this public display of affection, but relishing in it nonetheless. She inhales deeply, breathing in his masculine scent, the soft yarn on his sweater lightly tickling her cheek.

"I love you…so much…" she mumbles into his back, the hot breath of her words caressing and warming his heart.

Just as Derek opens his mouth to respond the elevator dings and the doors open. They pair step into the empty elevator, Meredith still clinging about him as if he is her life raft. He just doesn't realize that he is. He is keeping her afloat. He is saving her life. All of this just by loving her and refusing to leave her.

Derek grabs her hands and unlatches her grip on him before turning around in her arms. He smiles down at her as he tilts his head to the side, a look that makes her knees go weak and her breath to hitch in her throat. He runs his forefinger over the soft contours of her cheek. He runs his large left hand up and down her back as he dips his head slightly. His lips graze the tip of her nose, a small smile playing on his lips. "I love you too….so, so much…" he whispers as he relishes in this moment of intimacy. Moments that have been lacking for so long. Moments which he will never be able to get enough of. Moments which only make the heart within his chest to swell with love even more. Moments. Moments that add up to everything.

Meredith gasps and moves to clutch her stomach. Derek looks worriedly at her and just as he opens his mouth to speak, Meredith begins to giggle. He arches his eyebrow as he looks at her, confusion now etched across his features. In response to his questioning eyes, Meredith grabs his right hand and places it on her stomach. He stares into her eyes as the large smile spreads across his face and to his eyes.

"Your sons are feisty," Meredith says in a playful voice as she places her hand on top of Derek's.

Derek cocks his eyebrow. "They must get that from their mother," he says mockingly.

Meredith gasps before nudging him in the shoulder with her free hand. Derek chuckles before kneeling down so that his mouth is near her belly. "Daddy loves you boys…and you made mommy giggle…daddy loves mommy's giggle…" Derek looks up as Meredith giggles once again, running her fingers through his hair. "In fact, Daddy loves everything about your mommy…and we can't wait to meet you…" Derek says in a voice full of love. He opens his mouth to speak again, but the doors to the elevator open and an elderly couple steps on. Derek immediately stands up as Meredith continues to giggle. Derek wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her closer into his body while leaning down and placing a soft kiss on her hair.

The elderly couple smile at Meredith and Derek. "You guys are such a cute little family," the woman says.

Derek just smiles as he places his hand on Meredith's stomach. "Thank you," he responds. "How long have you been married?" he asks them.

The woman smiles as she grips her husband's hand even tighter. "Almost fifty years," she responds. She motions to Meredith and Derek. "How long have you two been together?"

Meredith finds herself flustered as she looks up at Derek. "Well…we aren't…I…it's just.."

"Meredith has been in my life for a year and a half and I have loved her every minute of it," Derek states in a voice full of passion and love as he looks down at Meredith.

Meredith opens and closes her mouth a few times, struggling to find the right words to day. His words were so perfect. What does she say? Luckily, the elevator opens and signals their arrival on Meredith's floor. Derek looks back at the couple at smiles at them.

"Those two are going to make it," the older woman says to her husband as she watches Meredith and Derek's retreating forms.

"How do you know that, dead?" the man inquires.

"Because just being in the same elevator with them, I felt my capacity for love grow. Only true soul mates are able to emit that kind of love," she responds simply.

"Like us?" he says as he places a soft kiss on her hair.

"Like us," she states simply as she nods.

The elevator doors close on the elderly couples past while signaling the beginning of Meredith and Derek's future.

Derek reaches out and wraps his arm around Meredith's waist, pulling her body closer to his as they walk down the hall, the numerous numbered doors lining their path. Meredith looks up at him and smiles. "Do you think that will be us something?" Meredith asks as she glances fleetingly as the closed elevator doors.

Derek smiles as they come to a stop outside of her door. Meredith begins to dig in her purse for her room key. Derek grabs her chin, forcing her to look at him. "I know that will be us someday, because I'm never letting go of you again," he says in a serious voice before dipping down and quickly brushing his lips across hers. "I love you, Meredith Grey, and I plan on spending the rest of our lives loving you."

Meredith swallows the lump in her throat as she fights the building tears that threaten. "Okay," she says in a choked voice.

"Okay?" Derek asks in an amused voice.

Meredith simply nods before finally finding her key. She unlocks the door and they step into her room. As soon as the door closes behind Derek, Meredith turns around and rests her forehead against his chest, her stomach pressing against his abdomen. He instinctively runs his fingers through her hair, something that elicits a long exhalation from Meredith as she feels her tense muscles begin to relax slightly. She drops her bag listlessly on the floor before running her hands up and down his back. Another moment of intimacy. A moment that seems so arbitrary, so minute. But nothing in the realm of Meredith and Derek, a world created specifically for the entity that is them together, nothing in this place is ever minute. Everything means something and nothings don't exist.

She bites her lip as she feels the need to rehash the conversation that took place earlier in her hospital room. But the biting of the lip fails to stop the involuntary outpouring of muttered words that escape from her mouth. "You almost died today," she says quickly into his sweater. She can feel the increase of his heart rate and the hitching of his breath as her words catch him off guard. She winces inwardly, hating to ruin the moment, but not being able to help herself.

"But I didn't," he says in a soft voice, his words soft and sure just as the fingers gently massaging her scalp.

"But.." Meredith stops again, only to be stopped by Derek's forefinger on her lips.

He looks down at her, a sadness in his eyes. Sadness at not being able to help her. Sadness at not being able to allay this fear that has overtaken her. Sadness that hides his own fear and anxiety that surrounds the day, his own near-death. He unwraps himself from her arms and leads her over the bed. He sits down on the edge of the bed before pulling her down onto his lap. She instantly rests her head on his shoulder, her lips only inches from the bare skin of his neck.

"Meredith," he says softly as he begins to twirls the ends of her loose hair between his fingers, "I cannot fathom spending less than forever and a day with you. Forever just isn't enough. I cannot even begin to express to you how much I don't want to leave you, how much I can't leave you. I am so sorry that you had to think that I was dead today. I know how you felt.." he feels Meredith begin to pull away as she stares up at him.

"How?! How in the hell do you know how I felt? I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and they forgot to give me any morphine. I felt like the air I was breathing was acid, hurting my lungs and then spreading throughout my entire body. I wanted to rip my skin because I felt like it was keeping me from you. I wanted to die. I wanted to die so I could be with you again. How in the HELL do you know how I felt?!" By the time Meredith finishes her rant she is pacing and practically yelling in Derek's direction. He has to admit her flailing arms and pacing are cute, but that doesn't mean his heart doesn't break at the sight of the tears trailing down her face.

He immediately stands up and walks over to her, grabbing her by the shoulders. Something inside of him wants to make her understand. Something inside of him needs to make her understand. "You died, Meredith! The day of the ferry accident? You were dead. Cold. Blue. I had to pull you out of the water. I had to give you CPR. I had to give you what I thought was going to be the last kiss I would ever be able to give you. I whispered in your ear what I thought was the last 'I love you' and I waited. I waited for you to come back, but you were dead. You came back. But you were dead. And then…then you left leaving only a note behind and although you didn't die, I felt like I did. I died and then, when you came back? I was a zombie, you had brought me back from the dead, but not being with you, well…I wasn't alive either. So, I do know how it feels. I remember the feelings quite vividly," he finishes in a weak voice before sinking down on the bed. His head falls forward into his hands. He didn't want to do this. Not today. He wanted them to be happy today, but things needed to be said and Meredith needed to know that she wasn't alone.

The spoken words echo in the heavy silence as both feel a physical exhaustion from the extremely emotional day.

Derek feels Meredith's finger work their way through his hair and lifts his head to meet her tear-filled eyes, her face a blue through his own tears. She leans forward and rests her forehead against his. He can feel her hot breath on his face as she breathes.

"I'm sorry," she whispers with closed eyes and weak voice.

"For what?" he manages as his hands run up and down her sides.

"For giving up," she manages before a sob overtakes her.

Derek immediately pulls her into his arms and she sobs while he holds her tightly. Exhaustion. Love. Relief. All of these things fuel the tears cried by both Meredith and Derek in this moment. A moment of a guy holding his love as the channels for communication as well as their tear ducts are unclogged. A moment. The moment. The moment when Meredith stopped being Meredith and Derek stopped being Derek and they merged into one as they drifted off into a deep sleep while holding each other closely.

**I realize that this took forever...and I feel bad...school is kicking my ass...in a bad way...seriously...hope it was worth the wait. **

**-marci**


	34. Chapter 34

Derek blindly feels in the darkened room for the figure that should be lying next to him, only to find the space empty and the sheets cold from her absence. He rubs his hand over his tired face before glancing at his watch. It isn't even four o'clock in the morning yet. He sighs before raising himself up on his elbows to glance around the darkened room for any sign of her. He notices a faint glow coming from the corner of the room. Is that a laptop?

"Meredith?" he calls out in a tired, cracking voice. He runs his hand over his face again, trying to rouse himself from the deep sleep that was brought on by being emotionally exhausted. He now can see the outline of a head in the faint glow. He sees it turn his way.

"Yeah?" she responds in almost a whisper.

"What are you doing?" he asks in a confused voice.

"Nothing," she responds a little too quickly.

Derek chuckles sleepily as he forces himself out of bed. She quickly shuts the laptop as he makes his way over. "Come on, Mer...tell me what it is..." he says in a feigned whiney voice.

Meredith pushes Derek's hand away from the computer as she looks at him. "It's a surprise," she tells him as she swats his hand away again.

Derek arches his eyebrow. "A surprise?" has asks in shock. "For me?" he adds with a smile as he leans down so that he can see her more clearly.

Meredith bites on her bottom lip and nods at him as she looks up at him from under her lashes. A large smile spreads over Derek's face as he leans down and places a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"And why are you doing this so early in the morning?" he asks in a soft, amused voice.

"Because I want it to be a surprise," she says in a tone that screams duh while rolling her eyes.

Derek chuckles lightly as he kneels down in front of her. "Why don't you come back to bed?" he softly says as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. His hand lingers on her cheek, cupping it gently as he stares into her green eyes, their brightness still evident in the dark room.

She leans into his touch, the warmth from his hand spreading throughout her entire body. She absent-mindedly runs a hand over her swollen abdomen. "Just let me finish this," she says softly as she stares into his eyes.

He smiles a smile that reaches his eyes before leaning forward and brushing his lips across hers. "Okay," he whispers softly while standing up.

He slowly walks back towards the bed as Meredith finishes up on the computer. She returns to the bed only a minute after Derek has crawled beneath the covers. "I missed you," he says with a smile in his voice as the bed shifts under her weight.

Meredith giggles as she moves towards him. "Did you now?" she asks as she leans forward and brushes a curl off of his forehead.

Derek props himself up on his elbow as he stares down at her. The moonlight is illuminating her face and the way she is staring up at him makes her appear completely vulnerable and breathtaking. He runs his thumb across her forehead as he stares down at her. "Yeah. I did. I really really did," he whispers seriously.

He leans down and kisses her forehead, lingering momentarily to savor the feeling of her skin against his. He can feel the breath from her sigh against his neck as he pulls away. "Goodnight, Mer," he whispers as he drapes his arm over her abdomen and pulls her body closer to his. "I love you," he adds with a light squeeze, almost as if she could never be close enough and those three words could never express the depth of his emotions.

"Goodnight, Der," she mumbles into his chest. "Love you, too," she adds after a moment in a sleepy voice.

They fall back asleep holding each other, smiles on both of their faces this time. They could have sex, they could, but it's too soon. Too soon after being back together. Too soon after him almost dying. It's too soon and they have forever. They have forever to have sex and for now, for the present, they just want to get to know each other all over again. They want to lay the foundation for their relationship and they don't want it to be based on sex, but love. They could have sex, or they could wait and make passionate love.


	35. Chapter 35

A loud clap of thunder scares Meredith into wakefulness. She jumps at the sound and suddenly finds herself wide awake with the overwhelming urge to pee. She removes Derek's arm from across her abdomen, causing him to groan slightly in his sleep as he readjusts his position. She can tell that the sun is out, but its rays are obstructed by the numerous dark thunderclouds in the sky.

She tiptoes to the bathroom, not wanting to wake Derek. After his surprise had arrived, they had both fallen back to sleep with peaceful smiles on their faces. Now, it seems, the twins were just as awake as she as they seemed to be jumping up and down on her bladder. She says they, but one is on her bladder while the other is lodged up under her ribs, creating an extremely uncomfortable situation for Meredith.

She sighs in relief as she sits down on the toilet and relieves herself. The gift had gone over well. She is so happy that he likes them. She would never tell him that she is a Red Sox fan. He gets this. He gets to teach their sons about baseball. Even she feels an itch of excitement at the thought of going to a baseball game with him and eating hot dogs, nachos and popcorn.

Just the thought of food seems to awaken her to a growing craving. All of the sudden nachos with tons of jalapenos and chili sound appetizing to her. She needs nachos.

She tip toes back into the bedroom and begins to get dressed, being as quiet as possible so as not to wake Derek.

"What are you doing?" a tired voice asks, causing Meredith to gasp in surprise as she jumps at the sudden sound.

"You…scared the shit out of me!" she shouts as she throws a nearby pillow at him.

He chuckles as he raises his body up on his elbows. "Sorry," he sheepishly apologizes.

He continues to watch her as she pulls on a pair of pants. "What are you doing?" he asks again after a minute.

She turns to him and smiles somewhat embarrassed as she bites down on her bottom lip. "I'm hungry…for nachos," she says before beginning to look for her shoes.

He chuckles as he throws the covers off of his body and gets out of bed. "Why didn't you just wake me?" he asks as he walks up to her.

"You looked so peaceful sleeping. I didn't want to bother you," she answers as he wraps his arms around her.

"You could never bother me. I would love to go out early in the morning…or any time really…to fetch your cravings," he says with a smile as he runs a hand slowly up and down her back.

"Seriously?" she asks as she pulls back slightly and looks up at his face.

He nods. "Seriously."

She exhales slowly as she rests her forehead against his chest. She listens to the steady sound of his breathing in conjunction with the low thud of his heart beat. She can smell the musky scent of his soap with each inhalation.

"So," he says, breaking the silence, "where do you think I can get nachos at," he glances quickly at his watch, "seven o'clock in the morning?" he asks her with a chuckle.

She giggles as she wraps her arms around his torso, gathering some of the material of his shirt in her fists. "Room service?" she asks into his chest.

His chuckle reverberates through his chest and she can feel the small vibrations against her forehead. "Doubtful, but definitely worth a shot," he says as he leans down as places a gentle kiss on her hair.

"Mmmhmm," she says as she is able to find some comfort in her discomfort from his arms, "especially since I don't feel like riding in a car as long as your son is sitting on my bladder," she mutters.

He can't help but chuckle. "My son? What happened to our son?"

"When he's on my bladder, he is your son," she responds.

"I see. And when he is being a perfect angel?" he asks in an amused son.

"Then he is our son," she states.

He chuckles again and she can't help but giggle.

"Damn it!" she swears as she abruptly stops giggling.

"What?" Derek asks, confusion furrowing his brow.

"I have to pee again. I just peed less than five minutes ago. Your son apparently just finds my bladder to be very comfortable," she huffs before releasing her grip on him and marching to the bathroom.

He shakes his head and chuckles in amusement before grabbing the phone and calling room service. The woman laughs at him when he asks about nachos, but her tune changes when he begins to work his charm. By the time Meredith is leaving the bathroom, the woman is promising to have an extra large order of nachos delivered with all dressing on the side in less than thirty minutes. Derek can't help but smirk as he hangs up the phone.

"What?" Meredith asks as she sits down on the bed next to him.

He turns to her and smirks. "Your nachos will be here in less than thirty minutes."

Meredith smiles as she rubs her stomach. "Thank God! I'm starving!" she expostulates before falling back on the bed.

Derek smiles at her as he lowers himself onto an elbow so that he can watch her. "Mer?" he asks after a minute.

"Yeah?" she responds, looking at him with a small smile.

"Can I rest my head on your stomach?" he asks somewhat nervously. Although he and Meredith have talked, he is still testing the waters.

She smiles warmly at him before reaching up and running her fingers through his hair. "Of course you can, Der," she says warmly.

As Derek lowers his head onto Meredith's stomach, he can't help but think how perfect an imperfect situation turned out. He sighs in contentment as he allows his eyes to close and for the overwhelming sensations of fatherhood to thrill him even more.

**Sorry about the long wait...I have been slightly overwhelmed with 3d life lately...I hope you like it. **

-Marci


	36. Chapter 36

Derek chuckles as he watches Meredith shove three chips into her mouth, cheese dripping down her chin and onto her shirt.

"Wha?" she asks him with a full mouth as she slowly chews her food. She reminds him of a chipmunk with her cheeks stuffed full of food.

"Nothing," he says with a smile as he shakes his head. He leans forward and wipes the cheese off of her chin with a napkin.

She blushes. "I'm making a big mess," she mumbles through the food still in her mouth.

He chuckles as he leans forward and places a soft kiss on her forehead. "You're hungry," he says lightly.

She nods as she pops another chip into her mouth. "Stawving," she mutters through her full mouth. She stares at him for a moment as she swallows her mouth full of food. "Want some?" she asks as she pushes the plate towards him.

He holds up his hands as a look of disgust crosses his face at consuming the messy food for breakfast. "No thanks. I will just eat my bagel," he says as he pushes the plate back towards her.

"Oh yeah," she says with a giggle. "Health nut," she mutters as she rolls her eyes.

"Mmhmm," he says as he takes a bite of his bagel. "At least I won't have to deal with the heartburn from the jalapenos," he says with a smile.

Meredith stops midair just as she is about to eat a jalapeno. She stares at him through wide eyes. "I didn't think about that," she mutters.

He chuckles as he leans across the bed and opens the top drawer of the night stand. "Which is why," he says as he leans up and brandishes a bottle of Pepcid, "I also asked them to bring this," he finishes as he flashes his dreamy smile.

"Give me that," she says as she drops the jalapeno and attempts to grab the bottle from him.

"Nuh uh," he says as he clucks his tongue against his teeth playfully. "You forgot the magic word," he adds with a wiggle of the eyebrows.

She narrows her eyes at him as he chuckles. "I am carrying your children. So, give me the Pepcid, now."

"Now, that's not fair," he says somewhat crestfallen as he sullenly hands over the bottle.

"What's not fair?" she says as she quickly takes two tablets.

"Bringing up the fact that you are carrying _our_ babies to always get your way."

She squints her eyes at him as she resumes eating her meal. "You know what's not fair? Carrying two people inside of you who are constantly kicking you or sitting on your bladder. Carrying two people inside of you that are making you crave the weirdest food that you might have eaten anyways, but that is beside the point, because they make you feel as if you need it right away. Carrying two people that you will have to painfully push out eventually in a process that may scar you for the rest of your freaking life. That, Derek Shepherd, is what is not fair," she says as she pokes him in the chest.

"Point taken," he says quickly as he leans in and brushes his lips across hers, tasting the cheese from the nachos. "You taste like cheese," he tells her with a warm smile, his hot breath lapping against her face.

She arches her eyebrow at him as a smile curves the corner of her lip up. "You're good at that," she mumbles in between bites.

"I'm good at lots of things," he says with a smirk.

She reaches out and slaps him on the arm. "That's not what I was talking about!" she says as she blushes.

He chuckles as he takes a sip of coffee. "Then what were you talking about?"

"Your ability to change the subject smoothly with a tilt of the head and a smile. I get that it is your McDreamy charm or whatever, but I might slap you the next time you try it with me."

He chuckles as he leans closer to her once again. "Then I will have to try it soon, because I just happen to love it when you slap me," he says in a husky voice.

The color in her cheeks deepens as he runs his hand slowly along her leg. "Der…stop…" she says as she struggles to think, to breathe.

"Why?" he asks as he leans in and nibbles on her ear.

"B…because…slow…slow…" she mutters as she closes her eyes.

He chuckles as he backs away. "Right. Sorry. Forgot," he says slowly as he shifts in his chair, the bulge in his pants making him uncomfortable.

She pushes the empty plate away from her as she rubs her stomach. "Der?" she says as she looks up at him.

"Yeah?"

"I missed you," she whispers as she tears up.

He smiles softly as he pulls her chair directly in front of him. He reaches out and brushes a stray stand of hair out of her face before leaning in and kissing her forehead slowly. He closes his eyes, relishing in the feel of her skin under his lips. She wraps her arms around his torso, pressing her pregnant belly against his hard stomach.

"I missed you too," he whispers against her skin. "So much."


	37. Chapter 37

Meredith tries to stretch her back as she leans against the nurses' station. Today is their first day back at work. They had enjoyed the last two weeks together getting to know each other all over again, but now they had to return to reality. His family had flown back to New York two days after the crash, deciding it was best not to put her under any more stress at the moment. They were flying back out in two weeks for Memorial Day weekend and she would deal with them then.

"Hey," Derek says as he leans in and kisses her cheek.

She smiles up at him. "Hey," she responds.

"How are you feeling?" he asks as he notices her wince as she moves.

"Like I'm six months pregnant with twins," she groans.

He wraps his arms around her, pulling her body closer to his as he drops a kiss on her forehead. "I'm sorry," he whispers as his hands begin to move up and down her spine.

She sighs, his touch bringing some relief. "You should be," she murmurs.

He chuckles. "So, they are mine today?" he asks amused.

"Today, they are all yours," she confirms.

"In that case, I should confirm our plans for the game on Saturday," he jokes playfully.

"I'm sure they know of your plans already," she mumbles as she rests her forehead against his chest.

"Maybe, but I have to make sure they know not to cheer for the Mariners. I have to make sure they know that the Yankees rule and they can understand the significance of being present when Joba is pitching," he says excitedly.

Meredith giggles. "You are such a dork."

He chuckles as he pulls away from her slightly. "I should take offense to that, but at least I'm a manly man who knows baseball."

"A manly man?" she laughs.

He nods as his hands continue to work up and down her back, applying pressure as he does so. "That's right."

"So, Mr. Manly Man, what would you say if I told you I am a Red Sox fan?" she jokes.

Derek immediately pulls back as he narrows his eyes at her. "I would say that you aren't who I thought you were."

She giggles as she grabs his lab coat and pulls him back to her. "Don't worry, I can be easily persuaded to switch teams."

He arches his eyebrows as a smirk plays on his mouth. "Oh yeah? And how could I persuade you?" he asks suggestively.

"I can think of several ways," she answers as she runs her hands up his muscular back.

He leans towards her. They still haven't had sex. They were taking it slow and taking it slow meant no sex to Meredith.

"And what would those be?" he asks huskily as he pulls her even closer, her stomach now pressing against him.

"What I really want," she whispers as she licks her lips suggestively.

"Yeah?" he asks huskily.

"What I need more than anything…"

He feels himself growing hard as her hand runs along the outside of his thigh. "Yeah?" he asks in a strained voice.

"Is an extra thick strawberry milkshake," she finally says with a giggle.

Derek chuckles as he nods his head. "You tease."

"I couldn't help it."

"Hmmm," he breathes as he grabs her hand and moves it to his crotch.

She gasps. "Oh."

"Yeah. Oh," he says with a smirk as he pulls her body in front of his so he can readjust himself.

She giggles again as she bites down on her bottom lip. "Sorry," she says sweetly as she stands on her toes to give him a quick kiss.

"No, you're not," he chuckles.

"Maybe not," she grins.

"Evil," he jokes.

She smiles as she wraps her arms around his torso, burying her face in his chest.

"Derek?" she asks after a minute, both ignoring the numerous glances in their direction.

"Yeah?"

"I wasn't joking about that milk shake. I really want it," she mumbles into his chest.

He tilts his head back and laughs. "Whatever you want," he tells her sincerely through his laughter.

He is willing to give her whatever she wants because she is giving him everything he could ever want. He knows that he is ordinary on his own, but together, together they can be extraordinary.


	38. Chapter 38

**Here is a smallish update...just to show some progress...and just so you know...this fic will be ending soonish...i hope to finish several of my fanfics before my fall semester begins...and this is one of them...so yeah...hope you like the update...**

Meredith smiles broadly as she watched Derek sit up straight in his seat as the players take the field to begin warming up. They are sitting right behind the home plate. Derek had managed to get better tickets than Meredith had. She still hadn't figured out how.

"Look, Mer!" he says excitedly as he elbows her in the ribs. "There's Derek Jeter."

Meredith cranes her neck to get a glimpse of the infamous Yankee player and to indulge Derek's excitement. "I see," she says with a soft smile and a nod, "but can you please not elbow me? I already have two kids who kick me all day, I don't need an overly excited boyfriend to add to the daily abuse," she says somewhat amused. She doesn't even realize what she has said until Derek turns to her with a huge smile.

"Boyfriend?" he asks as his eyes twinkle.

Her eyes widen before an identical smile forms on her face. "Well, you did knock me up…"

"I like it," he says quickly as he leans in and brushes his lips across hers.

"Me too," she mumbles as she leans into him.

He wraps his arms around her shoulders. "So…girlfriend," he begins with a large smile, "I performed a craniotomy on his mom. That's how I got these tickets," he says quietly.

She looks up at him. "Who?" she asks confused.

Derek's rolls his eyes as he chuckles. "Derek Jeter. By the way, we are meeting up with him for dinner after the game," he says with a smirk.

Meredith's mouth falls agape as her eyes widen. "Seriously?" she practically screams.

Derek chuckles as he nods. "Yup, but you might not want to let it slip you are a BoSox fan," he whispers as he leans in.

Meredith giggles as she leans into him. "You are determined that our sons are going to be Yankees fans aren't you?" she asks as her eyes twinkle.

"Yup," he answers simply as he nods.

"Well, what if they don't like baseball?"

Derek gasps as he looks down at her, a horrified look on his face. "Who doesn't like baseball?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. But what if they don't?"

Derek's eyes soften as he looks down at her. "Then I will love them just as much as if they played for the Yankees themselves," he tells her sincerely before leaning down and kissing the tip of her nose.

Meredith smiles up at him. "You and your McDreaminess…seriously…" she says as she rolls her eyes.

He chuckles as he places his hand on her stomach. "I try."

"I know," she says in a monotone voice.

"Shep!" an unfamiliar voice calls out, causing them both to jump.

Derek turns towards the voice, a huge smile spreading across his face. "Derek," he nods to the famous player. "How's your mom doing?"

Jeter smiles at him. "Great, thanks to you…and this must be Meredith," he says motioning towards Meredith.

Derek's smile grows. "Meredith, Derek. Derek, Meredith," he introduces them formally.

"Nice to meet you," Meredith says softly.

Jeter smiles at her. "Nice to meet you as well. I see you are finally going to make this old man a dad," he jokes.

Derek tilts his head back and laughs. "She is…and I had to make sure I brought my sons to their first Yankees game. Actually, she did. She bought crap tickets before I got these," he smirks.

Meredith rolls her eyes. "Way to ruin the gesture," she mutters.

"Sweetest thing anyone has done for me," he whispers into her hair as he drops a kiss on her golden locks.

"Wait. Sons?" Jeter asks, confused.

Derek's smile grows even more. "We're having twins."

Just as Jeter opens his mouth to say something, one of the other players calls for him. "I'll see you both later. Enjoy the game!" he tells them as he begins to run towards his team.

"Good luck," Derek calls after him.

Jeter turns to him, a smirk playing on his lips. "Don't need it."

Meredith turns to Derek. "Are you sure you aren't related to him?" she asks, a small smile causing the corner of her lips to turn up.

"I wish," Derek says with a laugh.

Meredith giggles once again as Derek drapes his arm over her shoulders and pulls her body into his. As the game begins, Derek often leans down and talks excitedly to her stomach and when the jumbotron shows them, he kisses her passionately before telling her that he loves her. As he continues to inform their children about the awesomeness of baseball and the Yankees, pulling away from her stomach occasionally to yell at the ump, she can't help but feel content in this being the beginning of the rest of their lives together.


End file.
